Tigers Sniff the Rose - Chapter 157

Chapter 157

The subject of children was brought up once again.

Mu Wanyao was sitting in Yan Shang’s lap, listening to him recount the conversation he had with his father. Her hand, which he was holding, trembled, and she made a move to get up and leave.

Yan Shang, however, held her wrist with a gentle but firm grip, preventing her from moving away until he had finished what he had to say.

Mu Wanyao looked at him, stunned. She had told him long ago that if he didn't care, she wouldn't care either. She had acted as though it didn't matter, but in reality, it was a source of pain.

Every time she thought about it, it was as if a tiny needle were pricking her heart.

In one’s life, one must balance their own pain and joy.

One should not lose hope during times of suffering, but one should also not dwell on that pain during times of happiness. In short, one should not be greedy.

Yet, she had grown up eating the grains of the earth; she was made of flesh and blood. She was human.

To be human is to have greed, to have delusions. She had not truly turned away from the secular world; the more she loved someone, the more she hated her past, and the more she hated herself for not being able to have a child with him...

Mu Wanyao’s eyelashes grew damp.

Yan Shang looked down at the young woman sitting in his lap. He had been observing her, and seeing her eyes grow moist, seemingly filled with resentment and pain, he bowed his head to stroke her face.

His fingers rested on her cheek as he leaned in to kiss her eyelashes, smiling: "Why are you like this? Didn't we agree not to mind?"

Mu Wanyao pressed her lips together.

She suddenly said: "Actually, it is all my fault. I didn't know I would meet you, and I didn't know I would like you this much. If I had known earlier, I definitely would not have trampled on my own body like that. Have I ever told you that I actually had a child once..."

Mu Wanyao lowered her eyes and said in a low voice: "It was I who gave up on it. I killed my own child with my own hands. Chunhua told me it was a stillborn, but I didn't even take a single look."

Yan Shang froze.

She said distractedly: "I couldn't look. To get out of Wuman, I couldn't leave any attachments behind there. If that child had grown up, it would have become a threat to me, and I would have never been able to leave Wuman. Look at Chunhua; because she had a child, she could never leave the palace. I wanted to take her away, but she couldn't leave.

"I was just afraid of that.

"But my heart was especially cruel, wasn't it?"

As if he could feel her pain, he tightened his grip on her wrist, and his shoulders tensed.

Yan Shang pulled her tightly into his embrace, pressing her face against his neck. His voice was low, incredibly restrained: "It is my fault. I shouldn't have brought this up and made you sad. I originally thought... we could talk about it.

"But I didn't want to make you remember bad things. Yaoyao, I'm sorry, let us not speak of that again."

Mu Wanyao’s eyes were shimmering with water, yet she couldn't help but smile. She said softly: "Why are you like this?"

She tilted her face up to look at his features.

Mu Wanyao was dazed: "I wasn't good before. After I came back from Wuman, I didn't take proper care of my body. I let myself go for several years because I never wanted to have children again. But after I married you, brother, I wanted it more and more... how I wish I could bear you a child."

She stroked his brows and eyes, her gaze drifting: "Boy or girl, it doesn't matter, as long as it is our child. He would have the same eyebrows and eyes as you, brother, and long hair like mine. It would be best if his temperament were like Second Brother’s—if it’s a boy, gentle as jade; if it’s a girl, tender and graceful.

"His talent would be like mine. You would teach him to read and write, and I would teach him music, chess, poetry, and painting. I would often get angry and scold him. You would go to coax him, telling him that I love him and that I just have a bad temper.

"And you would teach him to love me, too.

"I just want a child. Our family... three people would be enough."

She choked back a sob: "How many villains and madmen in this world have children? I am not a wicked person, and you, Second Brother, are such a good person. I sacrificed myself to marry into the Great Wei, and now, like you, I care about the lives of the people and have contributed to the world. Can all these good deeds not earn us a child?"

Yan Shang held her tighter, murmuring: "Yaoyao..."

Mu Wanyao rubbed her eyes. She raised her slightly red, tear-filled eyes, yet her gaze was as clear as snow.

She was both sad and indignant: "Actually, after I married you, I had thought—if I cannot give birth myself, should I let someone else bear a child for you? I thought that since you are such a good person, how could you spend your whole life without an heir, subject to the criticism of others?

"No matter how much you contribute to the world, no matter how much you do, if you have no children... whether in official circles or in the eyes of the world, you will be affected."

Yan Shang gripped her hand even tighter. He looked at her in shock, never having imagined she had thought of such things.

Mu Wanyao had just been crying, but under his gaze, she curled her eyes and smiled; because of his sheer shock, she found him adorable.

Mu Wanyao muttered: "Why are you so shocked? I am that kind of bad princess. A bad princess who loves you is one who wants you, protects you, and doesn't want you to be mocked by the world. If your political rivals use this against you, I will die of anger."

Yan Shang frowned: "What are you thinking about? I would never... with another woman... like that."

Mu Wanyao lifted her chin.

She said proudly: "Of course you wouldn't. You’ve slept with a beauty like me; how could you possibly like other common, vulgar creatures?"

Yan Shang: "..."

He couldn't hold back and started to laugh. No matter how sad the topic, it was always defeated by her cuteness.

She made him feel both embarrassed and fond, and he couldn't help but reach out to pinch her cheeks.

Yan Shang’s clear, limpid eyes swept over her chattering, crimson lips, and he smiled: "Let me see, why has Her Highness started talking nonsense again? Why does our little princess learn bad things instead of good ones all day long?"

Mu Wanyao wrapped her arms around his neck, acting like a spoiled child: "Because you spoil me, Second Brother."

Yan Shang gave her cheek a pinch, and she immediately cried out: "You don't spoil me anymore!"

Yan Shang said in a low voice: "In any case, I won't get you accustomed to spouting such dirty words."

Mu Wanyao buried her face in his neck and rolled her eyes.

Yan Shang: "Young ladies are not allowed to roll their eyes."

Mu Wanyao dodged the issue: "I didn't."

The two of them began to squabble like this, and the atmosphere of sadness quickly vanished.

That was how things were when they were close; it was inevitable that they would constantly go off-topic.

Mu Wanyao nuzzled in Yan Shang’s arms for a long time. After he gave her a few pats, and after she bit his chin and teased him for quite a while, she finally managed to remember what they had been talking about.

Mu Wanyao: "I know you won't sleep with other women. You are the man with the highest moral standards I have ever met. You restrain yourself too much. Sometimes I hate that you are so strict with yourself, and sometimes I love that self-torturing level of self-discipline in you.

"After we married, I asked the imperial physicians about my body, whether I could be nourished for a few years and whether I could bear children. The physicians were vague, saying it might be possible. I knew then that those old men are all old foxes who refused to give me a straight answer. Since they were so vague, it meant the possibility was extremely low.

"But it is better than nothing."

Yan Shang immediately lowered his head: "You have been nourishing your body?"

Mu Wanyao nodded.

Yan Shang was silent for a moment. He rubbed the inside of her wrist, his voice dry and hoarse: "Why didn't I know..."

Mu Wanyao saw that look in his eyes and knew he was starting to blame himself again. He must think it was because of him that she was seeking treatment. And he would think that the process was unpleasant, that her pressure was high, and that she was suffering...

Mu Wanyao quickly reassured him: "You are so smart; how could I hide anything from you? You didn't know because I wasn't doing it with great fanfare or being particularly obsessive about the treatments. I was just taking a little medicine normally and eating a few tonics; I wasn't going everywhere to visit famous doctors or anything.

"Don't be sad, my state of mind is actually quite good, and I’m not suffering. Second Brother, think about it—in the years since we married, how many times have you seen me sickly and weak? I really haven't been torturing myself; I still have a heart that lets things take their natural course... Don't worry."

Yan Shang’s mind began to recall all sorts of clues.

In his memory, whenever she saw him, she was always happy, jumping around, kissing and hugging. There had been no signs of her being haggard or nauseated from taking too much medicine.

After a while, he steadied himself, nodded slowly, and believed her words.

Yan Shang said in a low voice: "And then?"

Mu Wanyao: "Then I nourished my body. Although I felt it wasn't of much use, I still held onto a little hope. However, even with us being as thick as thieves and our frequency in bed not being low, there was still no news in my stomach... I became frustrated and gave up a little.

"At that time, I considered getting you a child. I thought of feeding you some medicine, forcing you to sleep with a woman I had chosen, and producing a child that way. But I was also selfish; I only wanted to give you one chance. If there was still no child, I would give up."

Yan Shang scolded her: "How absurd!"

He couldn't sit still anymore; his face sank, never having expected that Mu Wanyao had ever had such thoughts.

He was genuinely angry and stood up, ready to leave. Mu Wanyao pressed him back down, leaning in to kiss him.

Their lips entwined, thoroughly and completely.

Yan Shang tried to resist, but she held his chin.

Since she was nestled in his arms, he couldn't really push her away, so he simply refused to open his mouth.

However, Mu Wanyao knew him all too well. She stroked his chin, which was covered in light stubble, and wrapped her other hand inside his robes, rubbing lightly at his waist.

His waist was sensitive, and he jerked to the side. He frowned and gasped, his hand on hers trembling with clenched fingers, until he quickly gave up, hijacked by her opportunistic advances.

Seeing that his emotions had stabilized, Mu Wanyao finally let go.

Yan Shang was annoyed: "You used that trick again! Is that the only trick you know!"

He reprimanded her, but Mu Wanyao didn't react. Her bright, water-washed eyes gazed at his flushed lips, his gasps and low groans making ripples in her heart.

Receiving no reaction or reflection from her, he looked down at her.

Yan Shang’s dark, moist eyes looked over, so clear and clean, while Mu Wanyao’s mind was instantly filled with lewd, dirty thoughts.

Restraint, restraint.

Talk about serious business first.

Although Mu Wanyao’s hand was rubbing his waist, she was already distracted from serious matters.

Mu Wanyao said nonchalantly: "What is the hurry? Didn't I just think about it in my head without actually succeeding? Because I also don't want you to sleep with other women, right? I didn't actually take any action, did I?"

Yan Shang hated it: "Thank goodness you didn't."

Afraid she might have such thoughts again, he grabbed her wrist and emphasized: "I really don't need that. If you really act so recklessly, I will ignore you."

He felt that his "ignoring her" sounded weak and lacked deterrent power.

He emphasized it again with force: "I mean it—I really will ignore you. I won't talk to you for years! Absolutely not!"

Mu Wanyao chuckled.

Yan Shang was annoyed: "I'm talking to you; what are you laughing at?"

Mu Wanyao thought, I’m laughing at how cute you are.

She was all smiles, looking delicate and charming, and she affectionately wrapped her arms around his neck, kissing his face all over. He struggled to pull away, and Mu Wanyao put on a straight face: "Why are you emphasizing things? Didn't my Imperial Father feed you drugs that cause infertility? After that happened, I completely gave up hope.

"If you hadn't been talking nonsense to your father recently, I wouldn't even have thought of it."

Yan Shang felt relieved.

He examined her for a moment, lowered his shoulders, and reached out to hug her gently.

He kissed her face, and seeing her eyes squint—appearing exceptionally comfortable—he felt a moment of shyness. Mu Wanyao’s reaction to his touch was always so honest; her responses told him that she loved him touching her.

For someone as introverted as him, there was no better encouragement than this.

Yan Shang said softly: "So you see, it doesn't really matter. There are few things in life that are perfect, and I am already satisfied with nine out of ten. It doesn't matter if we don't have children; having you is enough for me. Having you by my side makes me happy, and anything more would just be icing on the cake. It doesn't matter if we don't have it."

Afraid she still felt unwilling, he blushed, bit the bullet, and said things he would never normally say—

"Besides, not having children is actually quite good. You... if you don't get pregnant, I... I can do that whenever you want. I... I can go inside without worrying about it being bad for you.

"You don't need to drink contraceptive soup. I heard that contraceptive soup is bad for a woman's health; I don't want you to drink it. But I can't help myself... so not having children is, well, it’s quite good.

"I heard, I heard that many men, fearing their wives will become pregnant too often, can't... can't at the final moment... have to pull out. I... I don't have to..."

He was vague, hesitant, and stammered a great deal in her ear.

At first, Mu Wanyao was confused, not knowing what his "that" referred to, but seeing his eyes dodge and hearing him stammer through the middle, Mu Wanyao understood.

She watched him in his awkward state, enjoying the sight, seeing his face turn bright red as he persisted, under her amused gaze, in expressing exactly what he meant.

After Yan Shang finished speaking, sweat had formed on his forehead.

He turned his face away and exhaled lightly.

Mu Wanyao pinched his chin, forcing him to turn and face her, teasing him: "I don't understand what you're saying; say it again."

She pretended to be innocent: "What is your 'that'? What do you mean 'pull out'? What is the final moment? Are you practicing some kind of martial arts, some powerful skill that I don't know about?"

Yan Shang: "..."

He was annoyed: "You're doing it again."

He lowered his head, his hair falling over his crimson ear tips, and said: "You clearly know what I am talking about; you just love to make a fool of me. Why do you always tease me? I never make fun of you, but you always make fun of me."

Seeing that he was genuinely a bit unhappy, Mu Wanyao finally stopped the teasing.

She laughed, jumped off his lap first, and clapped her hands: "Alright, alright, I won't tease you anymore. It’s just that you’ve been comfortable for so long, and I wanted to see you blush. You rarely feel embarrassed anymore, but you are most fun when you are embarrassed.

"Anyway... about the child, you and I have reached a consensus, right? Let’s just let nature take its course and stop thinking about it."

Yan Shang nodded.

He had spoken to her about his father today to express exactly that—letting nature take its course. He just hadn't expected that such a simple idea would take so long to discuss.

Thinking they had finally settled the matter, he revealed a smile. Yan Shang stood up. The moment he stood, Mu Wanyao excitedly grabbed his sleeve and pulled him back.

Yan Shang was bewildered.

Mu Wanyao’s eyes were shining: "Where are you going?"

Yan Shang said softly: "To the government office to have a look."

Mu Wanyao: "Is there important official business at the office?"

Yan Shang felt embarrassed: "No, not really. I just want to go and check."

Mu Wanyao: "If it’s not important, then don't go. Brother Yan Er, let’s go to bed."

Yan Shang froze.

He looked at her in surprise, the corners of his eyes instantly suffused with red.

Mu Wanyao found his innocence quite baffling: "You talked to me so much about bed-related things, don't you have any feelings? I thought you wanted to roll in the clouds and rain with me in the bedroom. You were hooking me so forcefully, I knew it."

Yan Shang was left feeling lost by her straightforward surprise, yet he couldn't help but laugh: "...I did not."

Mu Wanyao: "You are always 'I did not' when you’re out of bed."

She tilted her cheek and mischievously began counting his reserve on her fingers: "The one who wasn't blushing wasn't you; the one who wasn't looking at me with expectation wasn't you; the one who wasn't playing hard to get wasn't you. You are always innocently being led to the bed by me, yet you are the purest and cleanest one who wasn't thinking of anything. I am the one who forced you into the mundane world, who made you stain yourself with passion and love.

"The one who isn't driven by desire isn't you; the one who isn't stammering while holding me isn't you. The one who isn't the one pushing me down isn't you; the one who isn't fond of a certain position isn't you... Every single detail is me forcing you; you are innocent."

Yan Shang immediately reached out to cover her mouth.

He was grateful that they were in their room; if he blocked her mouth, he could stop her from talking nonsense. He glared at her helplessly; her eyelashes blinked lightly against his palm, her eyes clean, yet her tail was lifted high to hook his soul.

Yan Shang’s skin was burning, and after a long moment, he said: "...Let down the bed curtains."

And so, the couple took a midday nap.

Spring sleepiness and summer fatigue—there really was no other way—

In the border region of Jiannan, Yan Xiaozhou had been practicing medicine alongside an elderly physician for over a year.

She accompanied her teacher in and out of the military camp. Because of her gentle nature and beauty, and because she was so caring and considerate toward the wounded, the young men in the camp had a great deal of affection for her. Many of them would secretly ask the old physician if they could propose marriage to sister Xiaozhou.

But later, everyone realized with disappointment that while sister Xiaozhou was kind to everyone, she took especially good care of one person.

That person was the once-noble Yang Sanlang, who was now doing hard labor at the border; it was him who Yan Xiaozhou followed all the way.

In the first half of last year, Zhao Lingfei had also come here looking for Yang Si, and afterward, she stayed here for his sake. Heroine Zhao was not like Yan Xiaozhou who practiced medicine; she upheld justice like a wandering knight, possessing the flair of a chivalrous adventurer.

The soldiers working alongside them envied Yang Si’s good fortune—two young women had come for him one after another, and the two women seemed to have a very good relationship, often hanging out together.

With such beauties following him in unison, and with no resentment between them, how fortunate Yang Si was!

But the envied Yang Si was taciturn, and apart from working all day, he didn't mix with others. Yesterday, when he heard someone joking about him and Yan Xiaozhou and Zhao Lingfei, for the first time in the nearly two years he had been there, he lost his temper and gave the man a fierce beating.

Yang Si’s martial arts, capable of taking on a hundred men at once, began to spread through the camp.

In the afternoon, Yan Xiaozhou accompanied her master to the military camp to examine the soldiers who had been injured previously. After she finished re-bandaging all the wounded, she didn't see Yang Si. Yan Xiaozhou stood outside the tent in a daze for a while when a soldier walked past and pointed: "Yang San went to cover a shift for someone; he will be back in a moment."

Yan Xiaozhou immediately blushed.

She softly explained: "Because yesterday I saw that Third Brother had an injury on his arm, and it was a pity there was no medicine at the time. I brought medicine today."

After being beaten by Yang Si, the soldier didn't dare to gossip about the two anymore. He said seriously: "Mistress Xiaozhou has a kind heart."

Yan Xiaozhou’s face burned even hotter. She lowered her head to thank him hurriedly, feeling that the more she explained, the more wrong it sounded.

She bit her lip in annoyance, thinking that if she could be as expressionless as Third Brother, it would be fine.

And thinking of Yang Si, a trace of melancholy rose in Yan Xiaozhou’s heart... how much suffering had he endured to become this silent and expressionless? How could she talk about "envy" because of the marks left by others' pain?

After a moment of self-reflection, Yan Xiaozhou felt embarrassed, yet she still wanted to see Yang Si. She wanted to care for him like a friend; what was there to avoid? Sister Lingfei had encouraged her, too—Sister Lingfei said that Third Brother needed them.

Half an hour later, Yan Xiaozhou climbed up a mountain ridge. When she was panting and holding her knees, she looked up and saw the tall, imposing back of the young man.

He sat cross-legged under a grey tree, looking into the distance, his facial features exceptionally cold and stern. Not a single rustle of wind escaped his eyes, and his gaze, like lightning, swept over. When he saw Yan Xiaozhou, his eyes stayed on her for a moment, and the sharpness melted away.

He coldly averted his gaze.

Yan Xiaozhou stood behind him, the high tree canopy covering them both. She smiled brightly: "So it is so cool here; no wonder Third Brother didn't want to go back even after his shift."

Yang Si did not speak.

He was like a stone statue.

Yan Xiaozhou knelt beside him and gently reached out to support his arm. Yang Si stiffened and turned his face to look at her.

She kept her head down, her face flushed with a watery redness; she was both shy and filled with courage: "Didn't you injure your arm fighting with someone yesterday? Let me help you take a look."

She could feel him staring at her.

Yan Xiaozhou waited silently and firmly for his response.

For a long time, she finally heard Yang Si’s somewhat complex voice: "You... why are you so stubborn? Your brother didn't seem to be like this."

A smile appeared in Yan Xiaozhou’s eyes.

She raised her head, and as her gaze met his, she cleverly caught his softened attitude. Yan Xiaozhou’s lips curled into a smile: "My brother is also very stubborn. You just didn't know it."

She turned her face away and bit her lower lip: "...Take off your clothes."

Yang Si made a clicking sound and laughed.

Her eyelids felt scalded with heat, and Yan Xiaozhou was slightly annoyed: "What!"

Yang Si laughed: "I’m paying attention to you, not asking you to help me with the medicine. I wanted to ask for your help to bring a message to your Second Brother. I don't have any close contacts in the court now; I only know Yan Er, who is a powerful and capable person. Although your Second Brother has long been far away from Chang’an, I suspect it is still an easy matter for him to send a message back if he wishes."

Yan Xiaozhou looked up, noting the touch of seriousness in his lazy smile.

Yang Si leaned over, and Yan Xiaozhou remained motionless.

Admiring the resilience of her character and her great courage, he pressed against her ear and whispered: "I have been covering shifts for others for several months and have discovered that the situation in Wuman has changed. Or rather, the entire internal strife and landscape of the Southern Barbarians is different from the past... it is as if it were meticulously rehearsed to paralyze us.

"I thought I might be wrong, but after observing a few more times, I am now certain that something must be happening with the Southern Barbarians that we do not know about."

Yan Xiaozhou looked into his eyes.

Their breaths mingled.

The soldiers monitoring them from below occasionally cast a glance and spat, thinking that the "bitch and bastard" were capable of such suggestive behavior themselves, yet were afraid of others talking and even dared to hit people.

The wind on the ridge was strong, and Yang Si gripped Yan Xiaozhou’s hand. Such behavior was purely for precaution against potential spies in the army.

The handsome, cold young man leaned against the young woman’s face, as if whispering love to her, when in reality, he was sharing his observations of the past few days, allowing her to memorize them and write a letter to her Second Brother to warn Chang’an.

Yan Xiaozhou stared at him: "No wonder you’ve been helping people cover shifts so often lately; so it was for this."

Yang Si pulled at the corner of his mouth.

Yan Xiaozhou: "Why don't you tell the General here?"

Yang Si said self-mockingly: "I told him, but no one believes me. They think I am guilty of treason and harbor hatred toward the Great Wei; they think I want the Great Wei to fall into chaos—no one listens to me."

Yan Xiaozhou: "Don't you want the Great Wei to fall into chaos?"

Yang Si looked into her eyes.

He lowered his eyes and said: "This is the burial place of Elder Brother Lang, the place where you are living, and the place where my parents lived. Why would I want the Great Wei to fall into chaos? Xiaozhou... you must pass this message to Yan Er; he has the ability to stop all of this."

Yan Xiaozhou nodded.

Realizing the importance of this, and after pondering for a while, she didn't linger in small talk with Yang Si. She stood up, shouldered her medicine box, and went down the mountain, wanting to write the letter quickly—it would be best for her Second Brother to receive it sooner.

Yang Si remained sitting cross-legged where he was, watching her slender waist and the thin, black strand of hair that swayed beside her cheek. She was delicate and soft; obviously, she was also flesh and blood, yet she was so different.

He was attracted by her bright, spring-like brilliance and warmed by her company.

Yang Si suddenly looked at her back and called out: "Sister Xiaozhou!"

Yan Xiaozhou looked back, the wind blowing her hair and robes.

Yang Si smiled and said: "Nothing. You go ahead."

Yan Xiaozhou froze. His gaze was cold, yet when he met her eyes, a clear, warm light burst forth from the depths of his eyes. For a moment, she caught the heartfelt words he had left unsaid.

Yan Xiaozhou pouted: "What are you laughing at!"

And since he was still looking at her and laughing, she couldn't help but laugh along with him.

The mountain wind howled, and a thousand words were all released in this foolish laughter between them.

She waved at him and ran down the mountain, holding her skirt. Yang Si watched her depart, his heart recalling the bell she had given him two years ago.

He thought he had to find that bell and hang it from his waist.