When I Meet the Moon - Chapter 84

Chapter 84

The sound of the door closing echoed hollowly through the stairwell.

Yun Li gave a start, looking up at Fu Shize.

He lowered his gaze to quietly stare at the stairs, then turned his head a moment later to meet her eyes. Seeing her eyes red-rimmed and brimming with unshed tears, his expression softened with a soothing smile as he reached out to stroke her cheek. "Don't cry."

Yun Li had originally been managing to keep her tears under control, but hearing those words made her throat tighten with a sob. "I feel like I messed everything up."

She had only ended up making him feel even worse.

Fu Shize pulled her along as they headed downstairs. Once they stepped back out under the sunlight, Yun Li noticed for the first time that he was wearing that gray scarf.

Temperatures in Nanwu hovered in the single digits.

Unwinding the scarf, Fu Shize took the long end and looped it carefully around her neck, gently pinching her reddened nose in the process.

"You didn't mess anything up." He leaned down so that his eyes met hers, speaking in a flat, even tone. "To be honest, seeing his parents doesn't stir up any overwhelming turbulence in my heart."

"But," Fu Shize pressed a heavy, lingering kiss onto her forehead, "thank you, Lili."

He looked at the person before him, her eyelashes still trembling with traces of moisture, her face half-buried in the woolen folds of the scarf.

Sensing that his demeanor wasn't just a put-on, Yun Li felt a slight easing of tension in her chest. Yet only a few seconds later, she asked him with a heavy, muffled voice, "Are you still feeling guilty over Senior Jiang Yuan? Do you still feel like he was blaming you?"

Fu Shize was silent for a moment before giving a slow nod.

"Have you ever looked at his diaries from his final years?" Yun Li asked, her voice still thick from crying.

"I only knew up until his freshman year. I thought he stopped writing them after that."

Most people would have assumed the same, especially since the intervals between Jiang Yuan's later diary entries had grown increasingly long.

Yun Li had backed up Jiang Yuan's diary onto her phone, and she now transferred the document to Fu Shize as the two of them climbed back into the car. Sitting in the driver's seat, Fu Shize quietly began flipping through the pages.

"I believe Uncle and Auntie will come to understand everything in time. They won't blame you anymore," Yun Li said, laying her hand gently over his.

When Yun Li had first called Fu Shize earlier, his primary concern hadn't been about Jiang Yuan at all, but rather whether Yun Li would hit a brick wall, get snubbed, and end up heartbroken.

After finishing the diary entries, he remained entirely silent for a long stretch, simply blanking the screen and sitting motionless in place as he drifted deep into thought.

It had taken over six years for someone to finally hear Jiang Yuan's true, unvarnished voice.

Everyone had misunderstood. Jiang Yuan had never blamed Fu Shize.

Back then, public awareness and consensus regarding clinical depression were practically non-existent. Jiang Yuan's decision to stop taking his medication in the end stemmed purely from a desire to get better—and he genuinely believed he could.

Stopping his medication at the end was never meant to be a way to abandon this world.

He still loved the people in this world.

The final diary entry he left behind, filled with suffering and complaints regarding Fu Shize's presence, was merely a product of complete loss of control during a depressive episode.

Logically speaking, he no longer needed to view himself as a criminal; Jiang Yuan had never resented his presence, and the tragic outcome hadn't been solely the result of oversight—Jiang Yuan had formulated a plan to pause his medication, and there were always ways he could have resumed it.

He no longer needed to feel uneasy simply because he was living a normal life.

Yet at this moment, the bitterness embedded within those words welled up in his chest, as past emotions rushed forward in an instantaneous tide that threatened to drown him.

So, he had wanted to live, too.

Pulling his composure back together, he murmured a soft acknowledgment to Yun Li and started the engine, steering the car back toward Jiangnan Garden.

All the way back, Yun Li covertly monitored his expression. He seemed somewhat distracted, his reaction time for signaling and changing lanes noticeably slower than usual.

"How long had you been planning this?" Fu Shize asked as he drove.

"I wasn't planning anything..." Yun Li stammered. "Before meeting his parents, I didn't even have a clear idea of what I wanted to say. I just wanted them to stop blaming you. I also wanted to find some proof so you'd finally stop blaming yourself."

"To be honest, when you first told me about the diary entry Senior Jiang Yuan wrote right before he passed away, I actually felt a bit angry at him."

She had always felt that that single entry was the root cause of the endless accusations and guilt that had tortured Fu Shize for so many years.

Keeping his eyes fixed on the traffic ahead, Fu Shize replied, "Don't be mad at him."

As the car ahead braked for a red light, Yun Li looked at the glowing crimson taillights and echoed softly, "Yeah, I shouldn't be mad at him."

Yun Li remembered that day—the canvas shoes on the crimson running track, the senior's gentle smile melting into the brilliant sunlight.

One shouldn't let his final, darkest stage overshadow the gentleness and kindness that defined the first twenty years of his life.

A gentle young man like that had never done anything wrong.

After a long pause, Yun Li looked over at Fu Shize. "What about you? Do you still blame yourself?"

The sky was growing steadily darker, rendering Fu Shize's expression unreadable. As the car wove through the bustling stream of pedestrians and traffic, he offered a faint, ambiguous smile that made his true emotions impossible to decipher. "I don't blame myself quite as much anymore."

Parking the car inside the residential compound, the two of them stopped by a nearby wet market to pick up some pre-cooked takeout for dinner. No sooner had they sat down at the table than Yun Li received an unexpected phone call from Jiang Yuan's parents.

They wanted to speak with Fu Shize.

Yun Li handed her phone over to him. Fu Shize stood up, pulled out a chair, and sat down on the balcony.

"Uncle Jiang, Auntie Jiang."

It had been many years since Fu Shize had last used that form of address.

Only the whistling sound of the cold wind answered through the receiver.

"Child, let Uncle Jiang and Auntie Jiang say I'm sorry to you," Jiang's father's voice trembled on the line. "For all these years, unable to accept how our beloved Yuan-yuan could have the heart to leave us behind, we heaped all the blame onto your shoulders. We watched you grow up from childhood—how could we have possibly wronged you like that for so many years?"

They had only just remembered that they had watched Fu Shize grow from a toddler of three into a young man of twenty.

He had grown up without his parents by his side, always running over to Huayuan and announcing he wanted to eat the meals the two of them cooked.

Their hearts had always ached for this boy, whose parents had showered him with lavish resources yet denied him basic companionship and affection.

Every single Children's Day had been spent with the two of them taking him and Jiang Yuan out to amusement parks.

Over these past few years, consumed by grief and resentment, they had projected every ounce of accountability onto the person who considered them family.

What happened to Jiang Yuan was something none of them ever wanted to see.

As he finished speaking, tears welled up in the old man's eyes. "It was Uncle Jiang and Auntie Jiang's fault for not taking better care of Yuan-yuan, and for not taking better care of you either."

"Lili told us a lot about you today, and thinking back on what Auntie and Uncle just said... Yuan-yuan was a good kid. He would want you to live a good life, not rot away because he had a hard time. If he knew, it would break his heart."

Indeed, Jiang Yuan would have wanted precisely that.

He would have wanted him to live well.

Only an attitude like that belonged to the Jiang Yuan whom Fu Shize had known for seventeen years.

The painful memories that had haunted everyone so deeply did not vanish in an instant today. A countless parade of images flashed through Fu Shize's mind before finally fading into a blank slate.

He, too, wished Jiang Yuan had lived a good life—only that wish was no longer chained to such a suffocating obsession.

He let out a quiet confirmation.

Hearing his response, the heavy boulder hanging in the hearts of the people on the other end of the line finally dropped.

Fu Shize recalled the countless evenings he had sat right here while the families in the opposite building changed apartment after apartment. The desperation, agony, and guilt of losing his dearest friend seemed to slowly recede from his life, carried away by the passage of time over these past few years.

Some hurdles that he once thought were impossible to cross had ultimately dissolved into just another entry among the countless pages of the past.

Yun Li pulled a chair over to sit beside him just as he ended the call.

Out in the biting winter wind, Yun Li simply wrapped her arms tightly around him.

Feeling the warmth of her body, Fu Shize snapped out of his reverie. Lowering his head, he caught the faint floral scent of her hair. His rigid muscles relaxed slightly as he wrapped his arms around her in return.

"What did they say?"

Fu Shize summarized it in a few simple words: "They said they don't blame me anymore, and told me to live a good life."

Hearing that, an indescribable feeling washed over Yun Li. It felt as though everything had finally been resolved, yet it didn't bring the expected rush of joy. "So how are you feeling inside?"

To be honest, Fu Shize didn't really know either.

Most of the time, he didn't think of Jiang Yuan at all.

With the years passing by, Fu Shize could no longer clearly recall those nights of endless rain or the blood that had been washed away.

His memories seemed to have frozen right before the accident, stopping at the image of Jiang Yuan bringing bubble tea to his office and chatting with him.

It was as though his brain was engaged in self-preservation, sealing that chapter of his memory away permanently.

With a downcast expression, Fu Shize murmured, "I wish he were still alive."

He could finally stop blaming himself so harshly.

He could finally stop being eroded by guilt in the dead of night like rotted wood decaying through the ages.

Even so, despite all this time, the grief brought by Jiang Yuan's passing had never truly vanished.

It was just that he was no longer quite so sensitive to it—just that the pain had become so familiar it had numbed into a dull ache.

"For a very long time, I couldn't accept what happened. Perhaps, even now, I still haven't fully accepted it. I just wish he had taken his medicine back then."

When family and close friends are lost, the living often have to spend the rest of their lives trying to patch up the wreckage.

When Fu Shize spoke those words, his tone was entirely calm, yet utterly devoid of vitality. He lowered his head, abandoning any attempt to mask his true emotions, looking for all the world like a fragile, cracking porcelain doll.

"Lili, you're the person closest to me now."

So please, no matter what happens, don't ever leave the way the others did.

He was a terribly fragile person.

If she hadn't come into his life, he never would have survived the weight of those losses.

"Then your closest person," Yun Li cupped his face in her hands, "has one single wish: for you to be happy. And she's willing to spend her entire lifetime making that happen. Are you willing to help her?"

Fu Shize paused, pulling his thoughts back from the abyss. Tilting his head slightly, he asked out of left field, "Is this... a proposal?"

Yun Li: "..."

"You are so shameless." Yun Li had been speaking with total sincerity and earnestness, but that completely shattered her defensive wall. "Who's proposing?"

"Oh." His tone carried a hint of teasing disappointment, testing the waters before quickly acting as though nothing had happened. "Just verifying, so I don't misunderstand your hidden meaning."

"..."

Yun Li asked with awkward reluctance, "Well... are you willing or not..."

She had a strong suspicion that asking this question now carried entirely different implications.

The corners of his eyes curved upward with a hint of a smile, his tone turning inexplicably solemn: "Then I'm willing."

After clearing away the dishes, Yun Li curled up in Fu Shize's arms to watch a movie.

"Were those two in the movie a couple?" Yun Li looked up to ask him, but Fu Shize stared blankly for a second, unable to answer.

Realizing he hadn't been paying attention to the film at all, Yun Li knew his mind was wandering somewhere else. She retrieved her iPad from the room and opened a two-player cooperative game she had downloaded in advance.

Fu Shize's attention was quickly hooked by this puzzle game that required mental engagement.

The rules were simple: the two players used their fingers to maneuver blocks on the map to designated positions.

Laying the iPad flat on the coffee table, Fu Shize and Yun Li sat facing each other. As the difficulty of the game scaled up, the blocks multiplied or shifted around, causing their fingers to occasionally brush against each other across the screen.

By the later stages where the challenges grew truly tough, Fu Shize quickly caught onto the underlying patterns.

Unwilling to admit that she could get effortlessly crushed by him at this kind of game, Yun Li preemptively laid down some ground rules: "You aren't allowed to give me hints."

Raising an eyebrow slightly, Fu Shize humored her with infinite patience. "Understood."

Every time, he would lock his own designated block into place first, leaving Yun Li to operate the remaining pieces with her fingers.

During the lulls, Fu Shize would lower his gaze to watch her. She sat remarkably close, her body swaying slightly every time she reached out to slide a finger across the screen. The living room was illuminated only by a small, warm amber desk lamp, casting a soft halo over her frame.

As he stared at her, without him even noticing, the entire world seemed to shrink until it contained nothing else besides the figure right before his eyes.

Yun Li inwardly berated herself for how clumsy her fingers were. When another misstep on her part caused a game-over screen, she puffed out her cheeks and looked up—only to run straight into Fu Shize's deep, fathomless gaze.

Both of them were hovering close to the tablet screen, which meant they were barely a centimeter apart from one another.

Overwhelmed by a sudden wave of tension, Yun Li looked away and hastily started a new round.

Fu Shize's hand remained resting on the tablet, though instead of moving a block, he reached forward and wrapped his fingers around hers.

Thinking she was going to keep playing, Yun Li glanced at him. "Are you done playing?"

"I want to play something else."

"..."

All he had to do was lean forward by the tiniest fraction to press his lips straight against hers. Trailing up from her fingers, his hand slid past her wrist and came up to cup the back of her head.

His other hand braced against the edge of the sofa beside her leg, boxing her neatly into the corner while pinning one of her hands against the cushions.

Feeling the edge of the sofa biting into the back of her neck, Yun Li passively returned his kiss. Recalling his words from moments before, she pressed her palms against his chest and protested, "I'm not a toy."

"I am the toy," Fu Shize murmured out of nowhere, taking her hand and placing it flat against his own chest. "Want to play with me?"

"..."

Yun Li was rendered completely speechless.

Fu Shize followed up: "You don't want to?"

He lowered his gaze, maintaining an expression of absolute ascetic purity, yet his words carried an unmistakable, smoldering implication. Yun Li stared at the glossy contours of his lower lip, swallowed hard, and—remembering she hadn't taken a shower yet—calmly pushed him away.

"I don't. I'm going to take a bath."

Seeing that Fu Shize wasn't blocking her, Yun Li tried to slide her legs out from beneath him. When she accidentally brushed against him, Fu Shize let out a low chuckle. "On purpose?"

"..."

Yun Li scrambled to her feet and bolted back into the bedroom, diving straight for her suitcase.

Meanwhile, Fu Shize went to the wardrobe, pulled out two duvets and matching bedding sets, and carried them to their respective bedrooms.

Feigning utmost composure, Yun Li called out, "Are you going to make the beds?"

Dust had settled over the mattresses, meaning they needed to be wiped down before the sheets could be laid out. Fu Shize let out an affirmative hum and picked up a cleaning cloth.

Yun Li pulled her makeup pouch out, rapidly stripped away her makeup in front of the vanity, grabbed her pajamas, and headed for the bathroom. As she passed by, Fu Shize handed her a brand-new towel.

Shedding her clothes, Yun Li stepped into the shower stall. Staring at the array of bottles lining the shelf, she suddenly realized she had forgotten to bring her facial cleanser.

Peeking the door open by a crack, she stuck half her head out. "Can you hand me my facial cleanser?"

Fu Shize's voice drifted over from the bedroom: "Where is it?"

"In my makeup pouch..."

Yun Li suddenly remembered the three little packets tucked away in the inner lining, and her voice cut off dead in her throat.

Just as she panicked and opened her mouth to blurt out a hasty "Never mind," she saw Fu Shize walking out of the room holding her facial cleanser.

His demeanor was completely natural.

He probably hadn't noticed anything.

"Don't catch a cold." Fu Shize passed it to her through the crack in the door, urging her to get back to her shower.

Breathing a heavy sigh of relief, Yun Li picked up the showerhead. As the hot water cascaded over her body, dense wisps of steam rose around her, conjuring forbidden images she couldn't quite chase from her mind.

Once finished, Yun Li sat down at the vanity to apply her skincare products. The dressing table was one Fu Shize had specially bought for her a while back; she remembered how she had muttered offhand at the time, "It always feels like this apartment lacks any sign of a woman's presence."

The very next day, Fu Shize had taken her out to pick out a European-style vanity complete with an oversized circular mirror.

Glancing back over her shoulder, she saw Fu Shize making the bed.

She lazily began drying her hair. The hair dryer roared with a noisy hum; while short hair took only a minute or two to get half-dry, her thick, long locks required a good ten minutes to dry completely.

She thought back to when they had first met, marveling at how much time had flowed by since then.

Some people simply remained by your side long after time had quietly slipped away.

Lifting her eyes, she caught Fu Shize's reflection in the mirror.

His fingersdrifted into her hair, taking the blow-dryer from her hand. He dried her locks with gentle, practiced motions as the room filled with warm air and moisture. She stared at the fingers working through her tresses in the mirror, trailing past her shoulders and brushing against her skin with intentional or accidental intimacy.

The irritating roar of the hair dryer, which usually grated on her nerves, now effectively blocked out all other sounds, making the sensations against her skin all the more acute.

A second later, just as Yun Li looked up, he switched off the hair dryer.

Absolute silence descended upon the room.

Fu Shize swept her hair back over her shoulders. Yun Li looked at her own reflection in the glass, and then at him standing right behind her. His hand hadn't left her hair; instead, it drifted down to stroke the nape of her neck.

For a moment, Yun Li felt completely frozen. Fu Shize lowered his gaze—she was wearing a wide-necked white pajama top with a low collar, exposing the skin around her collarbones which looked almost translucent, still glistening with faint traces of moisture.

His cool palm slid downward, contrasting sharply against her feverish, warm skin and leaving a trail of scorching heat in its wake.

In a sudden flash, Yun Li's entire body went rigid.

She tried to stand up, but Fu Shize's left hand pressed down firmly on her shoulder. Bending down, he gently nibbled at her lobe, planting a dense, blazing constellation of kisses along the curve of her neck.

A minute or two later, Fu Shize retracted his right hand, dropped to one knee, and with a single fluid pull, dragged the chair around so that Yun Li was facing him head-on.

Yun Li looked down into those eyes—dark, heavy, and burning with a raw, singular emotion.

Her breathing grew ragged. She murmured softly, "Did you see it?"

"Mn." Fu Shize gave a husky, indistinct acknowledgment. At the same time, he cupped the back of her neck, tilting her head down as his lips aggressively claimed hers, his tongue slipping past her teeth without restraint.

Though completely intoxicated by the sensation, Yun Li's stubborn pride still flared up as she gasped in broken intervals: "I—I just brought them in case of an emergency."

Fu Shize let out a soft laugh, nipping lightly at her neck. "I couldn't help myself."

"I—I'm not ready yet." Looking utterly flustered, Yun Li shrank back defensively. Fu Shize tilted his head slightly. "When did you buy them?"

"..."

Yun Li wanted nothing more than to find a hole in the floor and crawl into it. "Two months ago..."

"I'm sorry," Fu Shize said, though his tone held not an ounce of apology. "For making you wait this long."

"..."

His warm breath fanned across her neck and shoulders. Yun Li stared with wide, dazed eyes, feeling as though every spot his lips touched was being scorched by an electrical current.

She bit her lower lip, the sensation at her earlobe forcing her to turn her head away instinctively.

As he finally slowed his pace, she opened her eyes and instinctively tried to pull her top back up, only for Fu Shize to catch her by the wrist. Nipping at her neck once more, he murmured against her skin, "Don't mess around."

Seemingly attuned to the fears running through her mind, Fu Shize paused his movements, simply staring at her as his gaze drifted slowly downward.

Yun Li averted her face, whispering, "Stop looking."

He chuckled, murmuring "Alright, I won't look," yet he didn't stop pressing soft, burning kisses against every inch of skin he could reach.

Yun Li felt her whole body growing intensely hot, an unnamable yearning rising from the depths of her soul. Glancing down at her wrist firmly locked in his grip, she used her free hand to reach for his buttons.

And then everything dissolved into a sweeping tempest as he scooped her straight into his arms and carried her over to the prepared bed.

"You know what?" Fu Shize murmured against her ear. "I made the bed while fighting a hard-on."

Without a shred of inhibition, he continued whispering directly into her ear: "And as soon as I finished making it, I still had to strip your clothes off."

Blushing fiercely from his shameless flirting, Yun Li felt no fear, locking her desire-filled eyes onto his. "Then let me take yours off?" Staring openly at the white shirt on his body, she didn't hide her intentions in the slightest: "Every time I see you in a white button-down, I just want to rip it off."

When he wore white shirts, he always projected an aura of cold, untouchable detachment—which only served to fuel her urge to tear down that facade and discover a completely different side of him.

"Alright." Fu Shize obediently leaned back against the headboard, letting Yun Li straddle his lap and unbutton his shirt one button at a time.

He waited for her with infinite patience, though his hands wouldn't stay still, his thumb rhythmically stroking the skin of her ankle.

With her legs turning weak, Yun Li pressed down on his hand.

"Stop it." Yun Li protested against his previous behavior.

Completely ignoring her protest, the moment Yun Li reached for the next button, he resumed his gentle caress around her ankle.

Blushing to the roots of her hair, Yun Li muttered, "Didn't you say last time that if I said no, you wouldn't keep going?"

Fu Shize looked at her and laughed. "Never said that."

"..."

To Yun Li, that smile looked utterly shameless. She glared down at him from above with indignant grievance.

He looked as though he were passively pinned beneath her, which gave her the illusion that she had somehow seized control of the situation. She blurted out without thinking, "You have to listen to me."

The slow stroking at her ankle only fueled the craving building deep inside her. Throwing aside her remaining restraint, Yun Li took the initiative, leaning down to press her lips against his Adam's apple. Fu Shize's breathing hitched instantly as he urged, "Are you only going to take my clothes off this time too?"

Recalling what had happened back in the dorm room last time, Yun Li followed the dictates of her own heart, lifting her gaze to maintain unbroken eye contact with him.

The dark depths of his eyes were flooded with raw desire, threatening to swallow her whole.

With a gentle tug, he flipped their positions.

Looking up into that face, Yun Li remembered the video she had seen years ago—that must have been nine years back. Back then, the boy was youthful and green, carrying a gentle and refined aura, whereas the man before her now possessed sharp, chiseled jawlines, his piercing features completely unhinged of rationality by raw emotion.

He was about to belong entirely to her.

A fierce wave of possessiveness and satisfaction surged through her heart.

Leaning forward eagerly, Yun Li hooked her arms around his neck. Fu Shize wrapped his arms tightly around her shoulders, the pressure steadily deepening as she felt an endless cascade of unbridled kisses rain down across her skin.

Fu Shize fished a small foil packet from beneath the pillow, followed by the crisp sound of plastic tearing open, accompanied by a voice so seductive it made her knees buckle.

"Yun Li-li..."

Those three syllables drifted into her ear, sending a jolt of numbness straight through her body. Before she could react, Yun Li gripped the bedsheets tightly. Seeing her brows furrow in pain, Fu Shize paused to press a tender, lingering kiss between her brows.

"Lili..."

With that low murmur, he drew each other closer inch by inch, restrained yet achingly tender. Seeing the tension completely vanish from her brow, Fu Shize asked with a raspy voice, "Feeling better?"

Blushing deeply, Yun Li gave a slight nod. Pressing her hands against his shoulders, she stammered out a request: "Can you... can you put on some music?"

Hearing the vulnerability in her voice, Fu Shize let out a low chuckle, reached out to grab his phone from the right side of the bed, and handed it to her.

With trembling fingers, Yun Li tapped open the music app. As a slow, vintage melody began to play, she tried desperately to slide the volume bar all the way up, but her fingers kept missing the button.

She shot an accusing glare at the culprit, who only responded with a soft laugh, pressing a gentle kiss onto her forehead.

Tossing the phone aside, Fu Shize reached over to pull a pillow from the headboard.

Yun Li felt as though the rhythm of the music had taken on a tangible weight—whether slow and lingering or turbulent and crashing, every single beat resonated with crystalline clarity. She bit down hard on her lower lip, only to have his fingertip gently part her teeth.

Pressing his lips directly against her right ear, Fu Shize murmured two indistinct words.

"I love you.”