When I Meet the Moon - Chapter 76

Chapter 76

Mother Jiang pulled the white shroud away in disbelief, right until she saw the face of her own son clearly.

Clutching Fu Shize, she cried out hoarsely, "Didn't you tell me that he was doing completely fine? Didn't you say you watched him take his medicine?"

Fu Dongsheng and Chen Jinping pulled Fu Shize behind them, doing everything in their power to comfort her.

Fu Shize hung his head. The events of the entire night struck him like heavy hammer blows, shattering his bones until his body felt as though it would collapse at the slightest breath of wind.

Mother Jiang collapsed onto the ground and wailed aloud.

Fu Shize looked at them and murmured, "I'm sorry..."

Seeing the intense emotional state of the other side, Fu Dongsheng quickly pulled Fu Shize outside. He sighed, the sound echoing softly along the damp, gloomy corridor. He spoke in a deep, consoling voice, "A-Ze, this is not your fault. Jiang Yuan is a good kid, and everyone's capacity is limited."

"He already tried his very hard, and you have also tried your very hard."

Fu Shize kept his eyes open, his eyelashes trembling slightly, but he showed no other reaction.

Hearing the sound of weeping, Fu Dongsheng covered Fu Shize's ears.

He heard the sounds of Jiang Yuan's parents pounding the ground in agony, each blow striking against him.

Fu Dongsheng stayed behind at the hospital to accompany Jiang Yuan's parents in handling the aftermath.

Sensing that Fu Shize's mental state was not right, Chen Jinping half-dragged him away from the hospital. The moment they stepped outside, the morning sunlight was so blinding that he could barely keep his eyes open.

The rain had stopped.

Chen Jinping pushed him into the front passenger seat. Once inside the car, she tightly grasped Fu Shize's hand.

Silently, he curled his body inward. His father's oversized coat hung loosely over him, and his rain-soaked hair was messy.

Then, tear after tear fell onto the back of her hand.

The police also found an unfolded, worn-out notebook on the desk in Jiang Yuan's dormitory.

The first few dozen pages contained the research concepts he had developed since his undergraduate years. The initial handwriting was graceful and neat, occasionally interspersed with doodles made when his mind wandered.

The handwriting later on became increasingly chaotic.

As if casually turning to a blank spot, Jiang Yuan had written his final journal entry.

It was completely different from Fu Shize's memories.

In this long journal entry, Jiang Yuan recorded his inner journey during that period of time.

...

Lately, things have been going very badly. I always used to feel that my capabilities were unquestionable, and that my excellence wouldn't allow others to leave me behind. Pursuing a Ph.D. made me realize my true level. Every day, looking at the trash projects I make, and spending most of my time being dragged by my boss to do commercial projects, I struggle bitterly on the verge of graduation. A while ago, I finally managed to get a paper ready for submission, but Che Wu took it and gave it to a senior fellow apprentice, saying the senior fellow apprentice needed to stay on as a postdoc and needed the publication. But that was my paper! I agreed, putting forward the requirement of graduating on time, but Che Wu said I was cheap labor and that I would have to delay graduation for at least another year to work for him. After arguing with him, Che Wu said I was emotionally unstable and threatened to report me to the school to get me expelled. I never imagined that doing a Ph.D. would turn out to be such a failure. I originally came to this research institute with full of passion to do research, but the reality is that every single night I am just helping Che Wu make money.

Having dinner with A-Ze, I heard him say he won the Rising Star Program, which would sponsor him one million. He asked me how I had been recently, but I found it hard to speak of, feeling so utterly useless. Clearly, when we first arrived at Xikeda, we were about the same. Downstairs, I saw nothing but news and posters about A-Ze, and the group chats were forwarding his recent award information. Why is the gap between A-Ze and me growing wider and wider? He is still the same as when he first came to Xikeda, while I am on the verge of being crushed. I clearly didn't want to compare myself to him, but I... I really envy him so much.

I remember every time we ate together, relatives would ask how my studies were going, telling my younger siblings to learn from me—the Ph.D. older brother studying at the best school in the country—and flattering me by saying I would earn millions every year in the future.

Yet I can't even manage to graduate. If it were A-Ze, even if he had depression, he could still accomplish all sorts of things, and he wouldn't argue with his advisor over a single paper like I did. But I can't do it; I don't have that capability.

I am unwilling to think this way, but when I see him, my heart truly feels so painful. Many times, I really wish he would stop coming to look for me. If I don't compare myself to him, I might feel a bit better. It's because I am too useless, and I don't have the courage to acknowledge my own incompetence. A-Ze gave that paper to me; to him, I must be a thorough and complete trouble, right? If he didn't help me, I suppose I would have ended up with nothing at all, right? When he watches me take my medicine every day, does he also think I am useless, thinking I'm depressed and anxious over such a small matter? Clearly, when he was little, he admired me so much; I don't want A-Ze to look down on me.

I feel like my ears are so noisy, so noisy that I'm about to break down. Everyone is saying I have no capability.

I hate this powerless version of myself.

I hate that my mom and dad worry over and over again because of my illness.

If only I weren't around.

...

For Fu Shize, there were almost no frictions in his memories. Even when Jiang Yuan was at his sickest, he felt that everything was moving in a good direction.

He had always believed that he would get to see Jiang Yuan get better.

He never expected that many of the pains Jiang Yuan endured originated from him.

At the police station, Mother Jiang picked up the notebook and struck Fu Shize hard with it. She pushed him, frantically beating him with her hands. He remained frozen in place, like a kite with a broken string, letting her shove him around.

"You said you would watch Jiang Yuan take his medicine."

"You told me Jiang Yuan was doing completely fine."

"It's fine if you succeeded yourself, but you clearly knew he was sick—why didn't you pay more attention to his emotional state?"

After being pulled away by her husband, she buried her face in the notebook and wept bitterly, completely breaking down. "It's all because of you. Had I known it would turn out like this, I never should have let the two of you hang out together..."

Fu Shize was pushed into a corner. His hair blocked his eyebrows and eyes, and the slaps left red marks all over his face.

With a lifeless drooping of his head, the room echoed with nothing except Mother Jiang's hysteria and his own faint voice.

"I'm sorry..."

The rain washed the road clean, as if nothing had ever happened. The news was suppressed very quickly, appearing on the school forum for only a few minutes. Fu Shize went to Jiang Yuan's laboratory and took away that drone—the work from their very first competition.

Jiang Yuan's parents refused to let Fu Shize pack Jiang Yuan's luggage or help arrange the funeral, bluntly telling him not to show up.

The funeral was held in Nanwu. The spring season was still sub-zero, and the rain turned into hail like silver needles, pelting the earth all over. Fu Shize wore a black raincoat. Unwilling to cause distress to Jiang Yuan's parents, he wore a cap and a mask, watching that corner from far away.

During the burial, Fu Shize took off his cap.

He would often dream of scenes of spending time with Jiang Yuan—the two of them growing up together, copying each other's homework in the classroom, rushing to the sports field after class to grab a basketball, going to the small convenience store together for snacks after meals, with Jiang Yuan shielding a younger him from being bullied.

The person he had called older brother since childhood ended up lying on the concrete ground, still twitching.

Fu Shize's emotions underwent a clear transformation. At first, he was bewildered and uncomprehending; he had given his paper to Jiang Yuan just like Jiang Yuan used to buy him milk tea.

He did not know that his actions would produce the opposite effect and inflict tremendous pressure on the other person.

Afterward, all the supplementary emotions vanished completely, leaving only an endless tide of guilt to drown him day and night. If he had checked whether Jiang Yuan actually swallowed his medicine back then; if he had been sensitive enough to notice Jiang Yuan's abnormality; if he had not recklessly pursued his own excellence; if he hadn't been tinkering with that robot that night, but stayed with Jiang Yuan instead.

Even if, truly, he had never appeared in the other person's life.

This was all his fault.

Jiang Yuan walked down this path because of him.

He had promised to watch him take his medicine.

If only he had discovered all of this sooner.

Jiang Yuan would not have died.

He grew taciturn and reluctant to interact with others, terrified of the emergence of another Jiang Yuan.

His insomnia grew increasingly severe; he could not maintain sleep in the small hours of the morning. It was as if as long as he stayed awake, he could knock on Jiang Yuan's door just like before, and what happened back then would never have taken place.

The scene that frequently appeared in his mind—that dull, booming sound—also trapped him in endless nightmares.

Jiang Yuan's parents refused to see him ever again.

He became a sinner—a sinner in the eyes of Jiang Yuan's parents, and a sinner in his own eyes as well.

Perhaps to make up for the guilt in his heart, he collected evidence of Che Wu exploiting students and fabricating scientific research over the years, wrote both Chinese and English versions, and submitted them directly to mainstream domestic and foreign media, the president's mailbox, the domestic academic ethics committee, and more.

Che Wu received his punishment.

Then what about him?

What punishment should he, this sinner, receive?

The school arranged psychological counseling for the students who witnessed the scene.

Fu Dongsheng hired an authoritative psychologist for Fu Shize. Fu Shize did not cooperate, only agreeing to Fu Dongsheng's request to live with them.

Persuaded by his grandmother and parents, he returned to school.

Every single corner was a clue to these memories. He was completely unable to concentrate; experiments, code, and papers all encountered frequent errors, and his sleep and diet became extremely irregular.

He loathed this wretched version of himself, feeling that he had let down the cultivation of his elders and the expectations of his advisor, yet he could not face everything that had happened in that building, nor could he face the inner conflict and guilt.

The thought of dropping out of school sprouted in his mind, and one evening, he spoke to his advisor about it.

"Fu Shize, have you lost your mind?" At the time, Shi Xiangzhe was walking with him on campus and almost kicked over a nearby trash can. The hair of this professor whom he had known for many years had already turned white, and his face was flushed red with anger. "I've cultivated you for so many years. Jiang Yuan's matter has fundamentally nothing to do with you, and the school has already punished Professor Che. Don't even think about dropping out."

Shi Xiangzhe believed that he had a boundless future and a brilliant horizon.

Fu Shize raised his head to glance at the crescent moon, his thoughts scattered.

He once harbored thousands of ambitions, and once wanted to maintain his pride forever and defy the world. Yet, stripped of the outstanding and unique status perceived by the outside world, he was merely a mediocre and fragile human being.

He could not overcome obstacles and walk down that broad, smooth highway as others expected. The sense of guilt had already crushed him to the point where he could no longer live normally.

Fu Shize remained silent. Shi Xiangzhe looked at him for a long time, then only let out a heavy sigh. "Then take a break for a while first. Come back when you're ready."

He suspended his studies.

Before returning to Nanwu, he walked over to Jiang Yuan's workstation, where the items had already been mostly cleared away. He saw a torn photograph on the desk—a group photo of the team when Unique won for the first time.

Walking out of the office, the end of the corridor was a boundless darkness.

In a daze, he heard the sound of a drone coming from his ears.

It was as if he had returned to that summer.

Flowers were in full, furious bloom, and the youths cheered, running forward with smiles.

And he—

Withered away silently amidst that patch of vibrant flowers.

After returning to Nanwu, Fu Shize spent most of his time staying at Jiangnan Garden.

He wanted to accompany the old woman through her final days. Later, when his grandmother was hospitalized, Fu Dongsheng and Chen Jinping arranged for him to work at EAW to help him reconnect with society.

Fu Shize cooperated fully, though he frequently smoked, drank, and spaced out on the balcony during bouts of insomnia in the early morning hours.

And then later, when he returned to Xikeda once more, he suppressed the pain in his heart and forced himself not to think about Jiang Yuan's affairs. It seemed as though, just as others believed, he had shattered his own fragility.

He had also mistakenly thought that he had walked out of the shadows of back then.

Jiang Yuan's birthday was approaching.

This once again reminded him that the guilt toward Jiang Yuan and Jiang Yuan's parents was an obstacle he still could not bypass, even after pulling himself together to return to a normal life.

"After Zhou Tiaozhi learned about Jiang Yuan's matter, she looked for me many times. But I couldn't really face it." Fu Shize was somewhat reluctant to have anyone comfort him regarding Jiang Yuan, even former good friends.

"Many people urged me to walk out of it." Fu Shize lowered his head, all expression completely vanishing from his ink-black eyes. "I can't manage not to blame myself. That was my older brother."

"There were many times when I wanted to tell you about this." He habitually kept his tone flat, concealing all of his emotions. "But that kind of conversation would make the scene from back then replay over and over in my head."

"Lili, can you not blame me?" There was an involuntary bitterness in Fu Shize's words. "There are many things I really hate recalling."

The evening mist hung heavy, and his facial features were already indistinct. Even under these circumstances, the very first thing Fu Shize considered was hoping that Yun Li would not feel that he had kept things hidden and thus grow sad because of it.

After listening to the whole story, Yun Li looked at his slightly curved shoulders, which carried injury and helplessness, and for a moment she did not know what to say.

She shook her head. "I don't blame you."

As an onlooker, Yun Li was very clear that Jiang Yuan's matter was not Fu Shize's fault; he had already done everything within his power.

"You've met him," Fu Shize suddenly said.

Yun Li was startled for a moment. "When?"

"I was sitting in the spectator stands on the side at the time, and Jiang Yuan gave that soccer ball to you."

"..."

Yun Li remembered the person she had encountered back then. Set against the background of this memory, the other person's passing also made her feel sorrowful and shocked. She remained silent for a long time before speaking. "You were already doing very well back then. That older brother, he tried very hard, and you tried very hard too."

"I don't know how to say it. I didn't want to urge you to forget this matter." Recalling when Yunye had pancreatitis and she herself had nearly broken down, Yun Li licked her dry lips and continued, "If Yunye had gone through the same thing, I would rather use my own life in exchange for his. I would blame myself heavily, and I probably would never forget it either."

"When a family member meets with tragedy, most people will blame themselves, feeling that they didn't do well enough. But..." Yun Li thought of Jiang Yuan, her nose stinging slightly. "Family members hope for us to live well. He probably hoped for that too."

She remembered that pair of canvas shoes on the red running track, and looking further up—

She no longer remembered the other person's facial features; she only remembered that on that afternoon, the other person's smile was warmer than the sunlight.

"You told me that you had known each other for nearly twenty years, and in the past days he was always a very kind and gentle person. Such a gentle and kind person, even if he endured a lot of pain himself, would still want you to live a good life. He would want you not to blame yourself so much."

Yun Li did not believe that Jiang Yuan truly blamed Fu Shize, or wished that Fu Shize had never appeared.

She was more inclined to believe that in the final stage, Jiang Yuan had simply been sick.

Fu Shize did not respond.

Yun Li looked toward him. Ever since their very first meeting, his figure had been exceptionally slender and thin, relying solely on his skeleton to prop up his clothes. She felt that he harbored many things in his heart, which likewise weighed him down and stripped him of his former youthful prime.

Yun Li pondered for a brief moment and asked, "Is there anything I can do?"

She did not wish to pursue a lengthy, grand speech of comfort, hoping only to keep him from feeling so sad within the scope of what she could do.

Fu Shize closed his eyes and opened them again. He looked ahead with a hint of fatigue, the hand holding Yun Li's feeling somewhat cold.

"Stay by my side.”