On My Way - Chapter 70
Chapter 70 - You Can Think of Me as a Tool for Your Pleasure
It felt as long as a century before I finally got up and opened the door.
Cheng Xia stood there. His face was still elegant and clean, his posture remained tall and straight, and he was still wearing the same smile from just moments ago.
Yet, within that smile lurked something familiar—something dangerous.
“What gala are you talking about?” I said. “Get some sleep; tomorrow we have to go…”
The scent of citrus overwhelmed me, washing over everything. In an instant, he had pinned me against the wall, the distance between our lips reduced to a mere inch.
I could hear my own breathing growing heavy, yet I didn’t dare look up. I could only whisper, “We can’t do this.”
“We can,” he said. His voice was low and filled with a strange, beguiling power, whispering softly and slowly into my ear: “It’s been many years since you’ve had this, hasn’t it?”
His hand circled my waist, and the belt of my bathrobe was gently untied.
“If it can be another man, why can’t it be me? I know better than anyone how to make you happy.”
I wanted to refuse, but the moment I parted my lips, he kissed me. The intense, passionate kiss awakened memories from many years ago—memories that were both absurd and secret: in that small plywood shack on the grasslands, on the plaid sheets of his rented room, in that dark cabin on the boat.
We had indulged our desires just like this, kissing and holding each other for dear life, as if the only thing that mattered in the world was the maddening pleasure of that very moment.
I collapsed onto the bed. He looked into my eyes and slowly unbuttoned his shirt. Only the bedside lamp was on, casting light over his fair chest and the muscle lines of his abdomen.
“Cheng Xia.” I wanted to struggle, but for some reason, I couldn’t move at all. I could only murmur incoherently: “We can’t keep entangling ourselves like this. I’m too tired. Why can’t we just be friends?”
“Fine,” he said. “Friends can make you happy, too. You can think of me as a tool to solve your needs. You really want this, don’t you?”
When he leaned down to kiss me, my brain turned to mush. In truth, I had never actively sought out any such needs, but I didn’t know why—under his temptation, I felt as though I were being roasted on an open fire. It was as if everything suppressed within my body was rushing toward me all at once.
My willpower was completely incapable of fighting against it.
The hands I wanted to use to push him away slowly dropped to the side of the bed, only for him to take them and place them against his lower back.
It was so pleasurable. My whole being felt as if it were slowly melting. I stopped thinking about anything; the only things that were real were the searing kisses and the burning skin pressed against mine.
Right then, my phone suddenly rang.
“Ignore it,” Cheng Xia whispered tenderly in my ear. But it cleared my chaotic brain for a brief moment. I wondered if it was something regarding work.
I reached out to answer it, but just as I did, the call cut off.
Cheng Xia held me down, kissing me densely from my neck to my back, his voice as soft as a murmur: “We’ll deal with it tomorrow, okay?”
I was dragged back into that abyss of indulgence, only able to mutter to myself: “How did we reach this point again?”
Cheng Xia whispered, “People cannot fight against instinct. When two people love each other, their bodies will naturally be attracted to one another.”
Something inside my heart suddenly thundered. The willpower that had just fully surrendered began to struggle once again.
The phone rang a second time. This time, I avoided his kiss and got up to answer.
“Hello?”
“Hey… is this Dongxue? Why is your voice so hoarse?”
It was Zhou Ting.
After our unpleasant parting that day, he had kept sending me WeChat messages, but between arguing with my grandmother and being busy with work, I had long forgotten about him.
I got up, covered my body with the quilt, and moved a bit further away from Cheng Xia. “Ahem, I was just asleep, my throat is a bit dry. What’s up?”
“Nothing much. I just wanted to tell you, Happy Little New Year.”
“Happy Little New Year.”
Cheng Xia tried to reach out to hold me, but I swatted him away. He could only sigh and lie on the other side of the bed.
“When are you coming back?”
“Next week, probably.”
He was silent for a moment before saying, “Want to grab a meal when you get back?”
I said, “Sure.”
Zhou Ting and I hadn’t officially confirmed our relationship, but at that moment, I still felt like I was being incredibly shameless.
He had never doubted me and Cheng Xia; he had been genuinely good to me.
And yet, here I was, unable to resist temptation, nearly sleeping with my ex-boyfriend.
From the side, Cheng Xia said, “It’s still better than cheating on him after you’re already married. Clearing the air now is better for everyone.”
I was so angry I laughed. “You are truly narcissistic.”
“It’s not because of me,” Cheng Xia said with a smile, leaning against the headboard. “Remember how desperate you felt when you tried to communicate with your grandmother? If you choose him as your new family member, this will be your reality for the rest of your life.”
I froze.
My relationship with my grandmother—or rather, the most powerless aspect of the first half of my life—was that no matter how much I talked, people simply couldn’t understand. I had to rely on throwing money and having tantrums to get them to do what I said.
And with Zhou Ting, I felt that same sense of powerlessness.
He was such a kind, warm-hearted man who seemed to tolerate all my waywardness, but I couldn’t make him understand that certain choices weren’t just me being “wayward”—they were my ambitions and my dreams.
“Cheng Xia, sometimes I’m really afraid of smart people like you. You’re like monsters.” I sighed, got up to put on my scattered bathrobe, and walked to the window to calm myself down.
The fireworks outside had ended, and there was a layer of damp, cold mist on the glass. When I pressed my finger against it, the cold went straight to my heart.
Cheng Xia walked up behind me and hugged me; his warm presence completely shut out the winter chill.
I said, “Cheng Xia, there is one thing I am certain of. Even if I don’t end up with Zhou Ting, it won’t be you.”
He stiffened slightly before soon letting out a self-deprecating laugh. “I know.”
“So, let’s just stay like this. Let me stay by your side and just treat me as a tool for your pleasure,” he said, holding me tightly. “Dongxue, don’t chase me away.”
I pried his hands off, bit by bit, and looked into his eyes.
“You aren’t that kind of person, Cheng Xia. You will constantly want more. Just like tonight—we agreed it was only physical pleasure, but you’ll brainwash me, telling me we only sleep together because we love each other, and then step by step, you’ll turn me back into that version of myself from back then.”
Cheng Xia looked at me with sorrow. “Is that so bad?”
“Yes, it is.”
I was surprised that I could produce such a clear, cold voice. I said, “Cheng Xia, to be honest, I still love you, and I am absolutely certain that in this life, I will never love anyone the way I loved you.”
That unrequited crush had been too intense; it had already burned through all the love I had for a lifetime.
“But the thought of starting over with you makes me feel so tired—a total, soul-deep exhaustion.” I sighed. “I can live a peaceful life with anyone, just not you. Do you understand?”
Only he could draw out all my madness and paranoia. I would become anxious and fearful, losing myself as I was manipulated by our back-and-forth, turning myself into a complete idiot.
All of this made me feel so tired.
I had already passed that age. I no longer had the strength for such life-and-death, flowery-but-deadly games. I just wanted to live a quiet life.
“So, Cheng Xia, please… just let me go.”