On My Way - Chapter 6

Chapter 6 - She Is My Manager

It was nothing much, yet a roar erupted in my brain, and every hair on my body stood on end in an instant.

I typed in the comment section, then deleted it, then typed again. I don't know how much time passed before I heard someone calling my name.

"Dongxue, why do you look so pale?"

It was Old Feng’s driver. He said, "You’ve had too much to drink, right? Director Feng asked me to take you home."

"No, no need."

I stood up, but I was in such a rush that I knocked over my wine glass. I didn't care about cleaning it up; I got up and left. "I-I’m sorry, I have something to take care of at home... please tell Director Feng for me."

I rushed toward Cheng Xia’s school, nearly tripping over myself. He wouldn't pick up his phone, so I could only wait downstairs at his dormitory. During this time, I neurotically refreshed his social media feed over and over again.

It couldn't be. We met every week; there hadn't been any signs at all.

But he never had the habit of posting on social media... even if he did, it shouldn't be like this...

Close to eleven o'clock, he finally replied in the comments section to a roommate from his undergraduate days. He didn't know that I had already added all his friends a long time ago.

Fang Qiang: Who is the girl in P2? [Smirk]

Cheng Xia replying to Fang Qiang: My manager [Smirk]

Cheng Xia: Yes, I am Leo Ku.

It took me a long time to react, to realize that back then, Leo Ku had just officially announced his relationship with his own manager.

An hour later, Cheng Xia replied to my WeChat message: My phone ran out of battery earlier, what’s wrong?

"Just wanted to ask you about an architecture thing." I tried hard to keep my tone calm. "Where are you?"

"I just got to the dorm and plugged my phone in. I’ve been drinking today; can I call you tomorrow?"

"Okay."

I wanted to desperately concoct a plausible excuse for him. I wanted to try my best to pretend that nothing had happened, but I couldn't get a word out. I could only press the power button on my phone with all my might, as if suffocating a roaring beast.

That night, I stayed downstairs at his dorm for a long time, but he never came back.

I had returned to that night his freshman year when the sea breeze howled, only this time the journey home was too short, and I wasn't given the time to let the sea breeze blow the tears from my eyes.

For all these years, I had stayed by his side, caught in a fantasy that he was waiting for me—waiting for me to try hard enough to become better, good enough to stand by his side.

I thought this was our tacit understanding, but he hadn't been waiting for me. He never was.

He just hadn't happened to meet a girl who captured his heart yet.

I spent those days in a daze.

Like a thief who couldn't bear to be seen in the light, I went to peek at that girl's blog. She was the kind of girl who came from a good family, innocent and interesting.

She shared her TOEFL scores, her trips to Disneyland, and her home, which looked as beautiful as the ones in television dramas. Her mother was like an older sister to her. She called her father "Old Huang," and even under the beauty filters, one could see the dignity of a successful man in him.

I clicked into the blog of every one of her friends, hungrily seeking some tiny proof that this perfect little princess had flaws.

But there weren't any. She came from Peking University, her resume was even more dazzling than Cheng Xia’s, she had no complicated social entanglements, and she possessed no unspeakable vices. The more information I gathered about her, the more perfect she became.

This "standard answer" of a person was so perfect that it terrified me.

During this time, my father called me several times, dropping hints, asking if Cheng Xia’s family could help with my younger brother’s schooling.

I said, "Why?"

"What do you mean, 'why'?"

Why are you still working as a security guard at your age? Why did you divorce my mother! Why did you make me born a notch lower than everyone else!

...Why do you always make me feel ashamed...

These most secret and despicable thoughts were hard to voice, but their existence proved my vanity and dirtiness. I felt ashamed of myself.

A girl as kind and pure as her... she probably had never had such filthy thoughts in her heart, right?

—Of course, she would also never have to face such self-interrogation.

"Dongxue?" my father asked again.

"Dad, these days, even with the strongest connections for the First High School, it costs over a hundred thousand! Not to mention we’re asking for favors from Cheng Xia’s family." I said. "I’ve asked around; Tao is good enough to get into the Second High School as a tuition-paying student, and I’ll pay the fees!"

"You? How much money do you have?" My father’s voice rose. "I’m just asking you to ask them! If that doesn't work, we’ll just go to vocational high school! You’re in a big city; how can you manage without money?"

...This is life. Blood ties cannot be severed; neither love nor hate can ever be complete.

After putting down the phone, I washed my face and stepped out of the restroom, and a colleague told me, "Old Feng wants to see you."

There was a hint of schadenfreude in my colleague's eyes. I walked in, feeling anxious. Old Feng was working; I stood there for a long time before he finally spoke. "Recently... have you been a bit careless with your work?"

I clenched my fingers tightly.

After getting off work that day, I went to find Cheng Xia. He was playing basketball, so I waited by the edge of the court.

"Yo, long time no see. How come you have time to come find me today?" He took the water from my hands and gulped it down.

His profile shimmered in the setting sun. I had to admit that, in terms of appearance, he was worthy of this grand unrequited love of mine.

"I got my paycheck, so I bought you some things," I said with a smile.

He took the things from my hands, pretending they were very heavy. "How much did you buy!"

"This is nothing! There’s more on the way. Let’s go, I’ll treat you to something good," I said playfully.

He hesitated for a moment and said, "My friends invited me to dinner tonight. Why don't we all go together?"

When he said this, his gaze didn't waver in the slightest; he looked at me directly and openly.

I tried hard to squeeze out a smile, but failed.

"No," I said. "Just you and me, is that okay?"

He watched me for a while, likely not expecting me to be so firm, then laughed. "Alright, then I’m going to eat something expensive!"

We went to the most expensive buffet in the city center. It cost six hundred per person. Every time I passed by, I used to wonder to myself: what kind of people actually eat here?

And now that I had finally come, it was nothing special.

"What’s wrong with you? Don't tell me you robbed a bank?" Cheng Xia said jokingly, not looking up from his WeChat.

"I just wanted to eat something good. Whenever I have anything good, I think of you. Haven't I always been like this?" I looked at him and smiled very gently.

He gave me an inexplicable look and said, "Why are you acting so strange?"

All these years, I had carefully kept my distance, never saying anything that could be construed as flirting, staying safely in the position of a "friend."

But now, I didn't want to endure it anymore. The ruse was up; there was a glittering dagger in my heart.

We sat by the floor-to-ceiling window on the 25th floor, able to see the ocean in the dark night and the brilliant, magnificent lights of the city. I kept drinking, while he kept looking down at his WeChat.

I finally had enough to drink. I looked up and said, "Cheng Xia, I have something to tell you."

"Dongxue," he suddenly put down his phone and said, "I have something to do. I need to leave first."

"What is it?"

"Oh, just something." He got up and said, "I’m sorry, I’ll cover the bill."

"Your girlfriend is looking for you, right?" I suddenly spoke up, looking directly into his eyes. "We’ve been friends for so many years, why didn't you tell me?"

He was stunned, a bit flustered. "Ah..."

"Cheng Xia, I’ve been asking you a question since high school: will you ever like me? You’ve never answered."

He frowned.

"Because I like you, all these years I’ve been trying to keep pace with you. Helping you organize programs, driving for your family, accompanying you to study and write your thesis... you never refused, you..." I laughed and said, "Why?"

"I’ve said it before, I consider you a very important friend."

"Fuck that bullshit friendship!" I said. "You knew exactly what mood I was in when I stayed by your side. You knew that if you gave me a little benefit, I would interpret it as having hope. You knew all of it, yet you did it anyway... don't you think that’s very shameless?"

Cheng Xia didn't speak anymore. He looked at me coldly, as if watching a clown having a mental breakdown.

After a long silence, he finally opened his mouth and said, "So? What do you want to say?"

"Stop stringing me along. Just give it to me straight." I looked up at him, my voice as steady as a negotiation. "Will you never like me?"

"Yes."

That answer was finally delivered by him, clean and crisp.

"My girlfriend messaged me just now saying she has a cold, and I need to deliver her medicine." He said, "I didn't tell you not because I wanted to string you along, but because I thought that since we are such good friends, I should introduce you to each other properly."

He stood under the crystal chandelier, his gaze as cold as a stranger's.

"Regarding you, I have a clear conscience. I told you a long time ago that I don't like you. I didn't say it too harshly because I didn't want you to be too sad." He even smiled and added, "I really am sorry."

After saying that, he grabbed his coat and left.

He had been gone for a long time, but I remained seated there. I had to keep my spine straight so I wouldn't collapse on the floor from the humiliation and shame.

In fact, tonight was supposed to be my final attempt in life.

After all, this might be the last time we ever see each other—today, Old Feng told me that there was a project in Africa, lasting three years, with double the salary, and he needed an accompanying staff member.

"Our department has limited channels for advancement. Without solid project experience, your chances of being promoted to project manager are very slim. I’ve said all I can; consider it carefully.”