On My Way - Chapter 44

Chapter 44 - I Suppose I Really Do Love You

Harina says that many elderly people pass away during the winter.

Because of the harsh weather, the cold seeps into their knees, and between the constant need to tend to the livestock and the biting wind, many elders simply collapse and never get back up.

But that winter, not a single elder left us.

We had renovated the old houses, and the layout of the village buildings helped block the wind, making the interiors warm and comfortable. With larger storage rooms, the elderly no longer had to hobble outside in the cold to retrieve winter vegetables.

The livestock were kept safely in centralized, heated sheds, so the elders no longer had to spend the coldest winter nights keeping watch over newborn lambs.

We also renovated the village activity center. By simply adding low steps and ramps, the number of elderly people who could visit doubled. They loved to play chess there, chat, or just sit quietly in the sun. The exercise equipment that I had originally thought wouldn't be of much use had been polished smooth and shiny by their constant touch.

The people from Uleji Village and the neighboring Jiaolong Village mingled, until slowly, you couldn't tell them apart.

This is architecture: a small change in cement and steel can imperceptibly alter the destiny of a person or a family.

At moments like these, I feel that my decision to come back here was meaningful.

Regarding the desperadoes who hunted me down on New Year's Eve:

They had been paid by Chana to cause trouble at our construction site. They specifically mentioned my name, saying, "Go get that woman who works for Old Feng; it'll sicken him."

They had intended to flee the country after finishing the job—just like that manager from Weisheng—leaving no evidence behind, but they never expected to be caught by the villagers.

Based on their confessions, Chana was arrested. At the same time, Old Feng submitted the evidence he had gathered on Beicang Transport’s illegal operations to the relevant authorities. Their business came to a complete standstill, and they now faced enormous breach-of-contract penalties.

The era of Beicang Transport had come to an end.

But that is a story for another time.

After seeing Grandma and Cheng Xia off, I returned to the site, working while allowing my fractured bones to heal.

Harina brought me meals every day, and I gave her a thousand yuan each month.

I tried to give the money directly to her, but she refused, so this was the only way I could help improve her family’s life.

She, along with her grandparents, didn't feel this was something for which I should be eternally grateful. Her grandmother said, "It is Eternal Heaven blessing our Dongxue."

"My grandma also said she wants to help you find a shaman to call back your soul," Harina said.

"Why?"

"Because since the New Year, you've become like a different person. You’re so gloomy and you never smile."

I paused for a moment, then tapped her on the head: "You’ve had three ribs broken; do you think you’d be able to smile?"

Just then, there was a knock at the door.

It was actually Yu Shixuan.

"What are you doing here?" Harina stood up like a cat with its fur on end; she had seen Yu Shixuan with Chana before.

Yu Shixuan was wearing a bean-green dress, her hair pulled into a low bun. She was still refined, yet carried an indescribable sense of haggardness.

She ignored Harina and looked only at me: "Ren Dongxue, take me somewhere."

"Why should I? Who do you think you are!" Harina said with her hands on her hips: "Sister, don't go. She’s a bad woman."

"Talking nonsense again." I pinched her cheek: "Sister will bring you something tasty when I get back."

I had to go. To a certain extent, Yu Shixuan had saved my life—at the cost of destroying her own.

I drove Yu Shixuan through the grasslands, the wilderness, and the dilapidated county town.

Finally, we arrived at the largest hospital in the league—the same one where I had been hospitalized before.

We didn't speak the entire way. The moment we stepped into the hospital, she suddenly grabbed my hand.

Her fingers were unnaturally cold, like a block of ice.

"Do you think Chana will be sentenced to death?" she asked. "This is his only bloodline."

She rested her hand on her lower abdomen, where an unformed embryo had been growing for three months.

By then, both Chana and Teng Qishier had been arrested, leaving her to deal with the aftermath.

"Chana would be so happy if he knew. He said if we had a child, he would teach them to ride horses and hunt," she murmured.

"If—and I mean if—you really want it, keep it. I will help you," I said softly. "But don't have it for a man. You know it’s not worth it."

Her long eyelashes drooped, and a tear slowly fell: "Actually, the first time we met, he looked at me and grinned like an idiot. I liked him right then. I’ve never liked anyone before."

"I know."

"He’s a bastard, but he’s the only one who was willing to take me away. He looks like he wants to kill someone when he loses his temper, but he was never fierce to me."

"I see."

Just then, a nurse called out: "Is Ms. Yu Shixuan here?"

Yu Shixuan wiped away her tears, stood up, and walked over. As she reached the door, she suddenly turned back to me: "Dongxue, I’m scared."

"Don’t be," I said. "I’ll be right here waiting for you."

I thought it would take a long time, but she came out in less than an hour, her makeup not even smudged.

I helped her into the car and drove her back to that villa.

The villa complex was only half-renovated, and it stood empty. The exposed steel and cement looked like an open, jagged wound.

Only the room she stayed in on the second floor remained intact, but the heating was poor; being inside felt like sitting in an ice cellar.

I bought a heater and an electric blanket, brewed her some porridge, and followed an online tutorial to make ginger duck. I thought she might want to eat something from home.

But she vomited after one bite and, in the end, only managed to drink a little hot water.

"What should I do in the future?" Her eyes were hollow, looking at nothingness. "My father doesn't want me anymore, and Chana... Chana doesn't want me either."

She was still beautiful, but that delicate, jelly-like girl had helplessly vanished.

I sat by the bed, looked into her eyes, and said earnestly: "Princess, you graduated from a top-tier university. I’ve seen your blueprints—you’re very talented. In fact, even without Chana, you could have broken free from your father on your own."

She stared at me blankly.

"You only thought you needed a man to save you, do you understand? You don't actually need Chana."

As I said those words, a sharp pain struck deep in my soul. I thought of myself, and I thought of Cheng Xia’s back as he walked away.

"It hurts," Yu Shixuan suddenly frowned. Then, she looked up at me and said, "Dongxue, hold me."

I climbed onto the bed and gently took her into my arms.

She was so thin, just like a small child. Her skin was ice-cold, and she couldn't stop shivering.

One day, we will all come to understand.

Love is merely an external thing.

Those reckless, desperate moments were nothing more than a delusion.

But at that moment, it hurt too much.

—

When Cheng Xia and Grandma left for the airport, I was still asleep.

To be precise, I was pretending to be asleep. With the veil of night stripped away, I didn't know how to face him, nor did I know how to face myself.

When I finally woke up, I found a letter on the table.

His handwriting was beautiful—bold and powerful, not at all as gentle as he was.

"There are a few things I want to tell you.

The first is that it was because I had completely given up on myself that I spoke to you about breaking up.

I didn't want you to see me out of control and insane, and I didn't want you to be forced into the same crazed, volatile state as I was.

But I’m sorry, I failed.

What I also failed at was my constant fantasy that we still had a chance.

So I resigned and came to find you. This is the second thing I wanted to say.

I thought, since you can't change your career, I’ll do it—becoming a freelance designer didn't seem so bad.

This project, the next project, the one after that—we wouldn't have to be apart.

But I arrived too late.

I wanted to be like that Boss Feng, to appear and protect you the moment something happened to you.

I also wanted to be like I was in college, able to provide you with so much help, even if it meant secretly staying up late to prepare it for you.

But I can't do it anymore. Whatever it is you want, there is nothing I can do to help you.

The most important thing—I’ve thought about it for a long time, and I still feel I should tell you.

Everyone thinks I don't love you, and I myself have doubted whether what I feel for you is dependence or love.

But these past few days, I keep seeing you.

When I read, you’re leaning on my left side. When I get off work, you’re standing at the courtyard gate waving at me. When I sleep, you’re sitting on the bed throwing a tantrum, saying that once we’re married, we have to get a bigger bed.

Hallucinations fill every gap in my life. Even if I know you’ll be gone in the next second, I still smile with happiness.

That heavy despair that follows such joy is like a violent withdrawal symptom. I have many dark thoughts; I think I must be with you, because leaving you is more painful than death.

But now, I’m going to let you go.

I think that, perhaps, I really do love you.”