On My Way - Chapter 40

Chapter 40 - Unable to Express Pain, Only Able to Love in Distorted Ways

During her sophomore year, a freshman exposed a professor's sexual harassment online, and the incident became a minor sensation.

"He even said I looked like his 'Midori,' for God's sake. Who gave him that confidence? Was it the big, yellow, rotting teeth of his?" The girl used contemptuous language, and it was only then that she finally realized what had happened to her.

It wasn't love. It had nothing in common with those lingering, deep-seated romantic declarations in Soviet novels. It was just an old man venting his primal instincts on her—it was no different from being groped on a crowded bus.

So, she chose to tell her father—the person she trusted most.

Yu Shixuan emphasized her father’s reaction when he learned of the matter. He was furious and told her sternly that she must protect herself.

And then, there was no "then."

The widely respected Engineer Yu, a man of prestige in the architectural circle, neither sought revenge on that professor nor ever brought up the subject again.

"Even in the year I graduated, he suggested I study for my master's degree, as if he completely didn't know that I had already developed a near-pathological fear of S University—I’d break into a cold sweat just passing by it," Yu Shixuan said softly.

How could that be possible?

I couldn't understand such a situation. My own father, while unreliable, would jump up and curse back at anyone who made crude jokes about me. For a girl raised with such meticulous care, her father should have felt like murdering that man.

Why remain silent? For the sake of appearances? Or did he simply think that since his daughter was an adult, it didn't count as anything serious?

"What’s even more ridiculous is that later, my father tried to set me up with Yan Lei. He thought Yan Lei had a good character and high emotional intelligence. I said, 'But I like Cheng Xia more.' Do you know what my father said?"

"'He was very subtle about it: Cheng Xia’s family background is too prominent. Knowing about what you went through at school, it might cause some unnecessary trouble—'"

"Yes, I had treated my father’s words as the highest law since I was a child. But in his heart, I had already become a second-rate item."

She was so beautiful and delicate, like a little princess from a fairy tale sleeping on twelve velvet mattresses, but tears were slowly falling onto her pillow just like that.

Then she met Chana. He wasn't even on her father’s approved list—the son of a nouveau riche family from a small county town thousands of miles away.

But when he finished hearing her story, his first reaction was to go to the university and beat that teacher, who looked like a decent human being, to a pulp. For that, he spent over ten days in detention.

"At that time, my father was still forcing me to try and get along with Yan Lei—he firmly believed that only someone like Yan Lei wouldn't mind a daughter who had been raped."

"I was suffocating, so I asked Chana to take me away. Only he would always protect me," she muttered, closing her eyes in exhaustion.

I had always thought that the legendary story of her climbing down from the ninth floor was the ultimate act of romance.

I never expected it was actually a long-delayed act of adolescent rebellion.

I wanted to say that there was no need to rebel against your father by using another man; that’s like moving to the edge of a volcano because you’re afraid of the cold.

But she was already asleep, her nose twitching, tear stains still lingering at the corners of her eyes.

My heart suddenly softened.

In truth, I had always subconsciously looked down on her a little.

I felt that she only knew how to binge-watch dramas, put on makeup, and fall in love—that she lacked depth and had never weathered any real storms.

What I didn't know was that every girl’s growth hides her own hidden pain and unseen wounds.

Behind a cute and lovely exterior, there might be a pair of tear-filled eyes.

—

I am a very cowardly person who dislikes causing trouble.

But that day, I truly hoped Chana would settle the score with Old Feng.

Just like how he had beaten that old beast to the ground.

He should have once again protected his princess, regardless of the consequences.

But none of that happened. After Old Feng and I finished breakfast, we were respectfully seen off.

That dog Yu Shixuan had treasured so much, the one named Yogurt.

It had died for nothing.

—

Winter arrived, and the temperature plummeted rapidly.

Traditional herdsmen must rotate between three pastures a year to ensure their cattle and sheep don't starve. The winter pasture, specifically, is meant to shield them from the frigid winds so the livestock don't freeze to death. Usually, they live alongside their animals.

We built centralized livestock sheds right under the leeward slope, facing the public activity area. We renovated the old houses into card rooms and libraries, and the elders would run over whenever they were free, watching their own cattle and sheep while soaking up the sun.

Bart often came by on weekends, snapping photos with his camera.

"You guys are amazing, Dongxue," he said happily. "You’ve changed the spirit of the entire village!"

"This is just the beginning. With a sufficient budget, it wouldn't be impossible for me to build a luxury 'Tomson Riviera' here," I said.

At the mention of budget, Bart’s expression changed faster than turning a page: "The county has no money..."

Here we go again.

"But as I said before, it’s impossible to change everything overnight," Bart said. "It has to be like acupuncture: one small point leads to a thread, and then to a surface."

I laughed.

Bart really was quite endearing. I hadn't expected such a barren place to sprout such a pure, naive idealist.

I took a deep breath and smiled: "Then our responsibility is great. Don't worry, even without money, I’ll still make sure your houses are built beautifully."

We went to the cafeteria for a meal. Harina didn't have to herd sheep in the winter, so she came to help out in the kitchen, and I paid her a wage.

When she saw us, she stuck her head out, looking impatient: "Hey! Director Bart, why are you always coming here! Do you like my sister?!"

The six-foot-three-inch strong man turned red from head to toe, waving his hands frantically: "No, no, no, no—"

I widened my eyes in surprise: "So that’s it? Tch, my charm really hasn't faded over the years."

Poor Bart looked as if he were waving his hands into a frenzy.

Harina brought us some milk tea, sat down beside us, and said: "But it’s useless for you to have your eye on her anyway. My sister’s boyfriend is super handsome; he looks like a Korean person."

"Watch fewer Korean dramas." I lowered my head to drink my tea, but then I heard Bart whisper: "Is that true?"

"It’s false."

I laughed: "He doesn't look like a Korean person at all, but, he is indeed very handsome."

—

That day, I sat on a crane, watching the winding, crystal-clear river under the sunlight.

Finally, I gathered the courage to send Cheng Xia a WeChat message. I asked, Can I give you a call?

Since coming here, I had sent him many messages, but he hadn't replied to a single one.

This time, for the first time, he replied: Okay.

The call connected. The sea breeze of S City, the bitter fragrance of the coffee shop, the sunlight dancing on the roofs of the red houses—all of it rushed toward me along with his voice.

"Dongxue, can you hear me?"

"I can."

We fell into a long, drawn-out silence. Neither of us spoke.

There was so much I wanted to ask: How is your health now? Did you see a psychiatrist? Has your father gone back? Are you eating on time? Did you ever love me? Do we count as broken up?

Do we... count as broken up?

I finally spoke: "Hey, guess what I ate yesterday? Harina’s grandfather slaughtered a sheep, authentic hand-grabbed mutton..."

He let out a soft laugh, asking: "Was it delicious?"

"You can’t imagine how fragrant it was. Dipped in chive flowers, it was ridiculously good."

Neither of us mentioned what had happened that day.

Perhaps, deep down, I am still selfish and pragmatic.

I didn't want to think about those life-or-death emotional entanglements, and I didn't want to face the complex questions Cheng Xia represented.

But I still couldn't let go.

I still wanted to stand under such beautiful sunlight, making a phone call to the person I loved.

I would save all those questions for when we could speak face-to-face. Our entanglement of so many years deserves a dignified, face-to-face conclusion.

—

Just as I was still eating lunch, a manager rushed over and said to me: "Director Ren, more workers have resigned."

Huh?

The temperature was about to drop, and it was a critical time for rushing the construction schedule. But for some reason, workers had been quitting lately—not just one or two, but entire teams throwing in the towel.

This wasn't just the locals, but the highly skilled technicians we had recruited from other provinces, for whom we provided transportation and housing, and who had already signed contracts.

Bart nodded at me and said: "Go ahead and get busy."

I stood up immediately and rushed over. The lead worker was acting arrogant: "No way! We really can’t work today, we have to leave!"

"You have to give me a reason!" I said. "Are you making trouble, or resigning? You need to make it clear before you can leave."

"I don’t talk to dames!" he said, gesturing to the others: "Boys, pack your bags!"

"I’d like to see who dares to move!"

I said: "Li Jianye, from Shanxi, the scaffolder; Zhou Wen, the rebar worker; and you carpenters—Zhang Qiang, Liu Wei, Zhao Li..."

I looked at the workers behind the foreman. They didn't dare meet my eyes. Clearly, they hadn't expected me to be able to recite their names and hometowns one by one.

As a group, they had gained immense courage, but individually, that courage would quickly dissipate.

"Every one of you signed a contract. You can go, but you must give me a month to recruit replacements. Otherwise, not only will you not get your half-month's wages, but I will absolutely make you pay damages. The New Year is coming up soon—calculate your savings."

The foreman was still being defiant, so I raised my voice: "If you walk out that door today, I guarantee you won't be able to step foot into a single S Construction site again!"

Between threats and trickery, I finally kept everyone in check.

I told my subordinate: "First, speed up the recruitment. Second, before President Feng finds out about this, we must find out clearly who is poaching our people.”