On My Way - Chapter 36

Chapter 36 - What If We Stayed Here Forever?

When I first entered Ulegii Village, I had taken my proposal and gone door-to-door, persuading them to agree to the construction.

"We will definitely build the houses well! In no time, the whole village will look completely different!"

"By next year, you’ll be able to live in bright, warm houses!"

"None of you aunts and uncles will suffer any loss!"

"I promise!"

I must have said "I promise" thousands, maybe tens of thousands of times, until my lips were covered in white foam.

They went from hostility and suspicion at the beginning to finally gesturing and firmly stuffing a cup of authentic Mongolian milk tea into my hands.

I had made a promise; I couldn't fail to keep my word.

"It’s not 'you' who promises," Cheng Xia said calmly. "It’s the company you represent that promises. It makes no difference if someone else replaces you."

I said, "Of course it makes a difference. Different project managers have different styles, different efficiencies, and different understandings of the blueprints." I added, "Besides, this is my own proposal. Why should I just hand it over to someone else?"

"So, to put it bluntly, you still just want to fight for it."

"That’s right."

For a moment, neither of us spoke. The waiter brought two steaks, the steaming mist rising toward us, carrying an appetizing fragrance that made our mouths water.

Actually, there was one more thing I hadn't been able to say aloud.

Bater had actually called me. He said the leaders were deeply impressed by me; if I were willing to continue with this project, he would help me fight to keep the contract.

"Your company says that both you and Director Zhao will leave this project. Zhao is another matter, but you are absolutely the best candidate." The Mongolian man sighed heavily over the phone: "It’s too poor here. So poor that doing even a small thing becomes incredibly, incredibly difficult."

He told me about how he graduated from college and didn't stay in Beijing or Hohhot, but instead came to the most remote gacha (village). He didn't think about grand, sweeping changes to transform his hometown; the county was poor, he just wanted to do a little something for the place he came from.

—The naivety of an idealist.

"Only those who grow up in this environment know how important even a tiny bit of positive change is to them."

But the moment he tried to do something, overwhelming resistance arrived instantly. Over time, he just gave up. After all, everyone can get by if they just muddle through.

It was just the hunched bodies of the elderly and the ignorant, vacant eyes of the children—generation after generation, it was all the same.

"Do you understand that feeling?"

I only felt some old, long-standing wounds aching with a dull, throbbing pain.

How could I not understand?

I was born into a family full of junk. I didn't want to go to a factory right after graduation; I didn't want to see others go to university, go abroad, and have a future of ten thousand miles, while my fate was just to reach the right age, get married, and repeat my own destiny.

But every time I wanted to change even a little bit, it was as difficult as skinning bones and marrow, while falling downward or maintaining the status quo was effortless.

"If this project is given to some local construction units, eight times out of ten, they’ll cut corners and finish it off carelessly," Bater said. "No one else will be as serious as you, as meticulous with the construction. I think you are the best candidate."

After he said that, I finally understood why I had been hesitating, even though I knew staying here was the better choice.

Changing a poverty-stricken, remote place is very difficult. It requires countless people and countless tiny changes.

If someone like me gives up, what kind of person can we expect to do things for the poor?

Those who come from good backgrounds, like Cheng Xia?

Everyone will choose a better embankment and a more comfortable environment, and so money, resources, and all the beautiful things will continue to flow to places that don't lack for money.

If the poor remain poor, what happens to girls like Harina? Who will open a crack in the world for her?

I couldn't explain these things to Cheng Xia.

Even if I did, he wouldn't understand.

I could only tell him in the simplest, most understandable words: "I want the project bonus, I want a promotion, and my hard work won't be made cheaper for anyone else."

In our silence, a child at the next table was nodding his head and singing a song in Minnan:

"Actually, living a whole life, there aren't many happy days.

A big road splits into two sides,

Which side should I choose to walk on?

Don't fear, don't fear, just don't fear.

I am a young man,

With big winds, big rains, and a big sun,

I am just bold enough to strive."

Cheng Xia finally spoke. He asked: "Then what about me?"

I froze for a second before realizing he had asked this before. Seven years ago, the whistling night wind in Kenya and this very question had poured into my heart at the same time.

"You keep working. In two years, this project will be done."

Cheng Xia looked down and smiled: "You’re still the same, always ready to cast me aside at any moment."

"I didn't mean to cast you aside. As soon as I have a vacation, I’ll come back. If it weren't this project, I’d still have to go on business trips and stay at construction sites for a long time," I said. "If we are together, you have to get used to this."

"Yeah!" Cheng Xia sighed and said: "Eat up, don't let it go to waste."

I had come here full of trepidation, thinking he would argue with me or go crazy like last time.

But he didn't. Perhaps nearly a year of treatment had been effective; he accepted the matter very calmly.

We discussed the upcoming New Year, holiday plans, and our respective nightmare bosses. The atmosphere was very harmonious and lively.

Cheng Xia sat across from me, his black coat draped over the back of the chair, his white shirt crisp and clean. Amidst the interplay of light and shadow in the Western restaurant, he looked just like a handsome male protagonist from some old British movie.

He had always been the version of himself I liked the most, whether back then or now.

Back then, I didn't know that people with anxious attachment styles are natural pretenders. In order to cater to and cling to the object of their affection, they have no bottom line and can change themselves, disguising themselves to be exactly what the other person likes.

We finished the steak, the lobster bisque with bird's nest, the crab salad, the crispy blueberry Napoleon, and drank a whole bottle of red wine.

When we walked out, the rain had stopped, and the whole city felt as fresh and clean as if it had been washed with water.

Cheng Xia’s cheeks were slightly flushed. I reached out to touch them; they were very hot.

"Your tolerance for alcohol is so pathetic. I’ll hail a cab to send you back."

He grabbed the hand I was about to withdraw and rubbed it against his palm like a child: "No, I want to go see the sea."

It was still early, so I asked: "Where are we going to see the sea?"

"Let’s go."

He hailed a cab and gave a destination. I thought it was some tourist spot I didn't know about, but I never expected us to ride for a full hour.

It was a beach with almost no one around. A few boats were anchored there. Under a crescent moon, a few fishermen were out fishing at night.

"Why did you run all the way here to see the sea!" I was a bit puzzled.

He didn't speak but jumped onto one of the large boats and then reached out his hand toward me.

"You... you’re not serious, are you?"

We got on the boat, and Cheng Xia handed me a key, signaling for me to open the cabin door.

While I kept muttering "no way, no way," I opened that door, and the scent of the sea rushed toward me.

Cheng Xia turned on the lights behind me. It was a room equipped with everything: a bed, bookshelves, a desk. But more importantly—

I saw "myself."

Eleven years ago, the first time I came to S City, the photo taken at the seaside in that white dress was framed and hanging there.

The photo where I was smiling and making a peace sign, even though my eyes were red and swollen from crying after my confession to him was rejected.

Me taking a selfie in their library, with Cheng Xia reading beside me.

The photo of me in a feather dress at their school anniversary, standing with a group of underclassmen.

Most of the image quality was poor, downloaded from QQ Spaces and put into wooden frames. Surrounded by small lights and fresh flowers, they looked exceptionally beautiful.

The largest one was a photo of us at a ski resort, neatly framed and placed by the window.

Outside the window was the sea under the moonlight, shimmering.

Behind me came the sound of the door locking, followed by Cheng Xia’s airtight embrace. The warmth of his breath pressed against the back of my neck as he said softly: "I wanted to give you a surprise... Every time I missed you, I would come here to set things up."

Ten thousand thoughts surged into my heart; I didn't even know what to say anymore.

My fourteen years—the days of walking alone, looking up at someone until my neck ached, the days of secretly shedding tears—had finally been seen and properly laid to rest.

The remnants of time shone brightly like shattered light scattered across the sea.

"Let me tell you a secret."

He kissed my neck from behind, his fingers slowly passing through my palms, interlacing with my fingers.

"Actually, the first time you came to school to find me, I was nervous as hell. Why would such a pretty girl come to find me?"

He held me, moving as gently as if he were leading me in a dance.

"During those nights, I couldn't study at all. I kept dreaming of you... just like this."

I fell onto that bed. Under the dim light, my clothes disheveled, like a white lamb waiting to be slaughtered, he leaned over me, whispering in my ear: "I’ve always wanted to make love to you. I even wanted to seduce you like this. I knew you couldn't refuse. I’m very despicable, aren't I?"

I said: "Yes."

Desire was like a tide, washing over my reason wave after wave. My hands were placed above my head by him, trembling slightly.

"After you went to Africa, I thought of you every single day. What is Dongxue doing? Did she meet new boys? What if they’re better than me? Will she just... forget me?"

"Sometimes I would dream that you came back, sitting by my side just the same, smiling at me just the same. But when I woke up, your social media feed was just a straight line; I could never see you again."

The moonlight shone in from the window, and his body was like a pale statue, leaning over, looking at me with pity.

"Back then, I swore that if one day you came back to my side, I would never let you leave again." He gave me a gentle kiss that carried the scent of blood: "I will use everything I have to keep you."

I gasped violently, feeling vaguely uneasy, but I had no time to think. He was truly skilled at provoking the body’s emotions; clearly, I wasn't keen, but every time, I lost control terribly.

The night was truly absurd. When I woke up the next day, it was already the afternoon.

Beauty leads to ruin; I had never slept for this long before. I almost bounced off the bed.

Looking out the window, my clothes were drying outside, and Cheng Xia was standing on the deck drinking beer.

I could only randomly find one of Cheng Xia’s clothes to put on, stepping into slippers as I walked toward him.

"What are you doing?" I walked up to Cheng Xia. He was wearing a dark blue T-shirt, revealing his snowy white neck and collarbone, and... the purple and blue marks on them.

My face went boom and turned red. I hurriedly acted like a seasoned veteran, saying: "Buddy, you worked hard yesterday!"

Ahhhh, what am I saying?!

Cheng Xia was amused by me and said: "You should sleep a bit more."

I said: "No more sleeping. Let’s head back early. I feel like it’s very hard to hail a cab here, and I have to go to the company tomorrow!"

He went quiet for a moment and said: "Yeah, it’s hard to hail a cab."

After he finished speaking, he threw something into the seawater with force, like skipping a stone.

"What was that?"

"The SIM card."

"Huh?"

He turned his head back, smiling faintly: "What if we stayed here forever?”