On My Way - Chapter 3

Chapter 3 - Meiping Hotel: Fifteen Yuan an Hour

From that day on, I stopped messaging him and stopped going to find him. I filled my weekends to the brim—going shopping, going to clubs, and dating all sorts of boys. I bought many cheap, pretty clothes that I was too lazy to wash; occasionally, when I went out for a date, I would just snatch one from the pile and spray it with heavy perfume.

"You’ve finally wised up." My girlfriends pinched my cheeks. "That’s right. There are plenty of fun places to go around here."

There was a very handsome boy who liked me a lot. He was a hairdresser and would always wait for me downstairs at our dormitory with a bag of snacks. Finally, like the other girls, I could sit on the back of his motorcycle, ride around to feel the wind, watch movies, and go out for late-night street food. He was very good to me; his only flaw was that he liked to reach his hand into my clothes whenever we were in public.

One time, we were out very late. As he drove me back, he took a turn and pulled up in front of a small hotel.

"It’s so late, wouldn't it be noisy going back?" He pulled on me, saying, "Why don't we just sleep here for a bit? I promise not to do anything."

"Right here?"

"What’s wrong with here?"

I gave a faint smile. The sign for the "Meiping Boutique Hotel" was greasy and grimy; even the neon lights were thin and flickering. Some girls dressed in revealing outfits were sitting on little stools, slurping snails while binge-watching TV shows.

To be honest, I didn't care about my "first time."

But I didn't want it to be in a place like this.

Perhaps this was my destiny: a thirty-yuan-for-two-hours hotel, dirty bedding, young bodies reeking of sweat. If, heaven forbid, a cheap condom broke, I would have to go to some small clinic deep in the alleyways where they would crush that tiny bit of trouble away.

All the girls around me were like this; I was no different from them to begin with.

Thinking I had tacitly agreed, he leaned in, pinched my backside with a smirk, and tried to force me inside.

I walked with him, moving blankly, as if walking toward an irreversible ending.

Just then, my phone rang.

I grabbed it and answered, feeling like it was a lifesaver.

"Ms. Ren, you inquired about a postgraduate entrance exam prep course with us. We just wanted to ask, are you still interested?"

"I..."

I looked up at the stars filling the sky. They were so useless, yet so bright they made my eyes ache.

That day, I didn't go to the hotel with him; instead, I went back to the dorm.

I took a very long shower, then sat at my desk and pulled out my materials: Introduction to Civil Engineering, Fundamentals of Architecture, Spatial Language... a messy, disorganized pile of stuff.

I had previously signed up for the adult higher education entrance exam. Since there was no architecture major, I had chosen civil engineering. When Cheng Xia heard this, he was left between laughter and tears: "You’re a girl, why are you studying civil engineering?"

"Then what should I study?"

"Study what you like! What is your dream?"

But Cheng Xia, I didn't have anything I liked, and I didn't have any dreams.

Actually, there was nothing wrong with that. My dad, my mom, my relatives, friends, and classmates—everyone around me had come this way.

I drifted through my studies, then played games, drank alcohol, went clubbing, and dated, squandering a youth that seemed like it would never end. Many times, playing until the early hours of the morning, in the gaps of my exhaustion, I felt that something wasn't right. But what exactly was wrong? I didn't know either.

In those moments, I would think of Cheng Xia's face.

He would sit in the library, focused on his book, or talk to me excitedly as we walked about the books he loved, like The Radiant City, or the master architects he admired, or the architectural works he wanted to complete.

"I really love Professor Yu’s theories. Architecture isn't just architecture; it’s also a part of the ecosystem. I want to design works like that for China..."

...His eyes would glow with brilliance. I would watch him blankly, unable to contribute a single word.

So it turned out that life wasn't just about celebrity gossip, who was secretly dating whom, or idle talk about who had argued with whom. There were also these things... these bright, luminous things.

Back then, I was a confused, muddled girl. I couldn't work hard for my own future or dreams—that was too complicated; my brain couldn't process it.

I only knew that I had fallen for someone, and the girl he would like should be a bit harder working, a bit "less tacky." I should read more books; I should learn to appreciate the art behind those square, blocky buildings.

My life should be a bit quieter, rather than chasing after every bit of excitement in the world.

They all said that liking Cheng Xia was too exhausting for me.

But I knew it myself: when I was doing these things, my heart felt very happy and very quiet. It was as if being a little closer to Cheng Xia meant being a little closer to the life I wanted.

My roommates were all asleep, and the only sound in the dorm was the rhythmic breathing of sleepers. I pressed my face against the cold book pages and stayed dazed for a long time.

A WeChat message appeared, from Cheng Xia. Winter break was almost here, and he asked if I wanted to go buy tickets with him tomorrow.

He was always appearing suddenly, like a miracle.

At three in the morning, I jumped out of bed and rushed to the washroom to start scrubbing my mountain of dirty laundry.

I had no way of not liking him.

Because I really, truly loved "the version of myself that liked him."

Cheng Xia and I bought our tickets and headed home for the New Year.

He didn't mention the girlfriend thing, and I didn't ask. During the dozen or so hours in hard-seat carriages, we leaned against different directions, silent for the whole journey.

"What’s wrong with you?" he asked me.

"Nothing, just tired. Don't feel like talking."

He waited a moment, then added, "Under a lot of pressure? Tell your big brother about it!"

"Just work, and the entrance exam prep." I sighed, but still found a topic: "What have you been up to lately? Haven't seen you in so long."

"Huh? It’s only been a week, hasn't it?"

I looked up at him. He found my gaze inexplicable and said, "What's wrong?"

I suddenly felt that I was incredibly pathetic, and I actually laughed out loud.

Thirty-four days had passed since we last saw each other.

In these thirty-four days, I had experienced constant flashes of insight followed by falling back into the mire. I kept wanting to find him, yet held back for fear of ruining everything. It was like going through an agonizing withdrawal from an addiction. I often felt I had figured it all out, only to fall back into sorrow in the very next heartbeat.

But for him, nothing had happened.

How could there be such unfairness in this world? A casual stretch of his arms was a tsunami in my world.

I completely lost the desire to speak and turned to look at the scenery outside the window.

In the reflection of the train window, he shrugged his shoulders and went back to playing games on his phone.

It doesn't matter, I thought. There is nothing eternal in this world; hormones will fade. One day, I will wake up from this lowly infatuation.

It’s just that this process is so, so long.

After getting home, I started taking care of the preparations for the New Year.

Grandma was getting old, and there were too many chores to handle both inside and outside the house. I had no time to look for Cheng Xia, and he didn't look for me, either.

Actually, this was for the best. A lukewarm, distant connection meant I wouldn't get too obsessed, and I wouldn't be in too much pain.

On New Year's Eve, we finished our dinner around four o'clock. Grandma stayed home to watch TV, and I went to wish my parents a happy New Year. They had divorced when I was in middle school, and each had their own family now.

There was no deep-seated hatred or bitterness. I begged for red envelopes with a grin, played a round of games with my younger brother, ate the mandarin oranges my stepmother had prepared, sat for a while with my mom and uncle eating sunflower seeds, listened to a earful of marriage pressure, and then stood up to say goodbye.

"Come over when you have time!"

"Ah! Go back inside, don't walk me out."

With a smile on my face, I slowly walked into the cold wind. Both they and I knew perfectly well that there would never be a "time" for that. Otherwise, it would just be being inconsiderate.

I bought some firecrackers and returned home, opening the door while saying, "Grandma, let’s set off fireworks tonight—"

I froze in place.

Cheng Xia was sitting there.

The ten-square-meter apartment was crammed with junk that reached the ceiling—the family wasn't that poor, but Grandma was always picking up recyclables. Everything had a layer of black, oily grime on it, including the promotional plastic cup in Cheng Xia's hand.

"Dongxue is back?"

Cheng Xia’s mother walked in behind me carrying a basin of fruit, smiling and saying, "We’ve been waiting here for you for half a day."

Why hasn't the world ended yet?

I thought, feeling desperate.

"Xia-xia told me that Dongxue has really looked after him this past year, so I thought, since we finished eating and there was nothing else to do, we’d bring him over to wish Grandma a happy New Year," said Cheng Xia’s mother.

"What could she possibly look after! Xia-xia is a university student." Grandma stroked Cheng Xia's hand from the side. "Eat, go on! Dongxue just bought these."

"Mm, Grandma, you eat too." Cheng Xia held that apple in his hand, but he didn't eat it, even though it was one his mother had washed herself.

"They grew up together, after all. Now that every family only has one child, isn't it just like they’re a brother and sister?" Cheng Xia’s mother said with a smile.

Grandma was truly happy; the more she talked, the more absurd it became: "That's right, they’ve been close since they were little. Oh, I heard Xia-xia’s dad works at the Municipal Committee—could he arrange a job for our Dongxue? We’re all family, it doesn't have to be anything special, just for a girl…”