Against the Current - Chapter 350

Chapter 350 - Unburdening 

The next day, Xianglan swept the fallen leaves into a heap and buried them in the soil to enrich the earth. A row of chrysanthemums grew along the base of the wall—golden, rose-pink, silver-white, and deep purple. Though not prized varieties, some bloomed in clusters as round as hydrangeas while others were already withered, swaying gently in the breeze. Xianglan trimmed away the dead branches and rotting leaves, picked up a wooden dipper, and watered them one by one. Seeing a cracked porcelain basin discarded in the corner of the yard, she bound it tightly with strips of cloth, transplanted a cherry-red chrysanthemum into it, and set it on the windowsill. Its dense, oil-green leaves and vibrant, fiery blossoms lent a sudden, spirited charm to what had previously looked like a cluttered and desolate courtyard.

Busy with her chores, she blinked and realized the morning had already slipped away. After a hasty lunch, she spent the afternoon doing needlework by the window, until she suddenly heard a knock at the door. Peering out through a crack in the door, she saw it was Bao'er, and quickly opened it to let him inside. Bao'er was cradling a thick quilt in his arms, and said to Xianglan, "The weather is turning chilly, and the evening dews are heavy, so I managed to find a thick bedding roll for you."

Xianglan smiled. "You're always troubling yourself over me." With that, she poured a cup of tea for Bao'er with her own hands.

Bao'er only gave an awkward chuckle, casting a few stealthy glances at Xianglan. Seeing that she was looking right back at him, he began rubbing his hands together and chuckling foolishly again.

The moment she saw this, Xianglan knew something was up, and couldn't help asking, "Is something the matter?"

Bao'er stammered, "Well... um... well..." After hemming and hawing for a long while, he finally lowered his voice and said, "The Eldest Young Master... the Eldest Young Master has found out that Sister Xianglan is hiding here..."

Xianglan was so startled that she jumped to her feet. "How did he find out? What does he want?" She cast a worried look outside, then examined Bao'er closely. "He didn't do anything to you, did he?" As she spoke, she pulled Bao'er up to inspect him from head to toe.

Bao'er waved his hands frantically. "No, no... The Eldest Young Master tracked down the pawned ring, and that's how everything unraveled. When I told the Eldest Young Master why Sister Xianglan chose to leave, he just went blank, standing there like a wooden statue. Once it seemed like it finally sank in, he, he turned into a completely different person. He didn't have a single kind word for anyone, his temper became terrifyingly fierce, and he even beat up Master Liu and Master Xie. When the Madam and the Third Young Master went over to try to reason with him, the Eldest Young Master met them with biting sarcasm, driving the Madam to tears. Then he started drinking, staying dead drunk from night until this morning. The moment he woke up, he complained of a splitting headache, yet he still wouldn't put down the wine cup, and no one dared to utter a word to persuade him otherwise..."

Xianglan stood frozen in shock, muttering, "This, how is this possible..." This didn't sound like Lin Jinlou at all. That scoundrel always possessed an indomitable tenacity; even if the sky were to fall, he would never indulge in self-pity or decadence.

"It's true. It even created an uproar with the Old Master, but the Eldest Young Master acted as though he didn't care about the Old Master at all, and he completely ignored the Old Madam too. Finding the household stifling, he actually rode out on horseback to find a place to drink, and kept drinking until just now. Because he drank far too much, he fell right off his horse... I heard, I heard he broke his leg..."

Xianglan's eyes widened in horror as she pressed him with questions: "He broke his leg? Did the doctor come? Where else is he hurt? Is the leg injury severe?"

Bao'er gave a bitter smile. "I'm just someone who looks after the stables, how could I know all the details... Word is that the Eldest Young Master is still calling for wine while lying in bed, and the Madam is weeping by his bedside, saying he's tearing this household apart until it's on the verge of shattering..." He stole a glance at Xianglan, cleared his throat, and continued, "Sister Xianglan, I don't mean anything else by this, and the Eldest Young Master looks like he won't come looking for you again anyway, but letting him tear himself apart like this isn't a solution either, right? I understand your grievances, but as the old saying goes, 'Even if the business deal falls through, the goodwill remains'—ah pui, that's not the right saying. Well, anyway... you two were acquainted after all. Shouldn't Sister Xianglan go have a proper talk with him? Make him see reason—parting on good terms is better than lingering bitterness—and stop let him ruin himself like this."

Xianglan sat in a daze for a long time, finally forcing down the roaring tempest in her heart before managing to speak in a dry, strained voice, "He won't want to see me again anyway. Meeting each other is far worse than not meeting at all."

After a moment, Bao'er also lowered his voice and said, "That's true. Someone like Sister Xianglan deserves a gentle, scholarly young gentleman versed in rites and etiquette, not someone like the Eldest Young Master. Still, the way the Eldest Young Master is right now is truly pitiful... He won't even let anyone mention your name. When the Madam simply uttered the word 'Xianglan,' the Eldest Young Master smashed his teacup right then and there. He's staying exclusively in the study now and won't even set foot back in the inner quarters..."

The rims of Xianglan's eyes turned red as she lowered her head in silence, holding back her tears.

Sighing, Bao'er rose to his feet and said, "It's getting late, I should be heading back. Even though the Eldest Young Master won't be needing a horse these past few days, I still need to go back and groom and feed them."

Xianglan stood up to see him out. As Bao'er reached the doorway, he couldn't help turning back to ask, "Sister Xianglan... are you going to go see the Eldest Young Master?"

Xianglan sniffed, shook her head, and replied, "I don't know."

After Bao'er left, Xianglan felt like her soul had been stripped away. Moving in a daze, she couldn't bring herself to eat dinner, remaining lost in a trance as she sat in stiff silence until the hour of lighting lamps. Leaning against the head of her bed in a half-conscious fog, the moment she closed her eyes, she could picture her final day together with Lin Jinlou. He had been lowering his head, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips as he told her, "Don't worry your head about anything. Wait until I get back, and we'll have a proper talk." She had reached out to smooth the collar of his robe, murmuring, "Alright." Ever since she fled the Lin estate, whenever his face and expression drifted into her mind, she had deliberately refused to dwell on it. Only today did she abruptly realize that deep within her heart, she had been harboring an agonizingly profound regret. Had she known that was her final parting with him, she would have lingered to say a few more words. Yet when she tried to think of what she could have possibly said, she found herself struck completely tongue-tied, and tears began to pour down her face unceasingly.

She felt as though she had fallen ill. With her life now finally steady and peaceful, she had no business inviting trouble upon herself. A vast, unbridgeable chasm lay between the two of them; rather than grinding each other down into a pair of resentful enemies through the bitter, grinding years ahead, it would be far better to leave behind a lingering shadow of yearning. She understood this in her mind, but the stubborn attachment of her heart could not be cast aside, assaulting her time and again with a pain that pierced straight to her core. Hearing Bao'er's report that Lin Jinlou had injured his leg caused her heart to churn even more violently. The wounds on his chest and arm had only just healed, and now a leg injury on top of that? Was there a single spot left on his entire body that wasn't battered? She wondered just how severe the injury was. Could he have truly broken his leg?

The more she thought about it, the harder it was to sit still. Pacing in circles around her room, turning the matter over and over in her mind with anxious deliberation, a sudden resolve seemed to take root in her. Once she made up her mind, she paradoxically grew calm. She moistened a handkerchief to wipe her face, picked up a coat from the bed to drape over her shoulders, pushed open the door, and stepped outside. Making her way straight to the outer gate of the Changchun Hall, she began to knock. She pounded on the door knocker for a long while, feeling as though the courage she had gathered was about to drain away entirely, when a porter's voice called out from inside with extreme impatience, "Coming! Who is it?" The door creaked open a crack, and Xianglan forced herself to steady her nerves as she said, "It's me, Chen Xianglan. Please be so kind as to announce my presence to the Eldest Young Master."

Within the Lin household, the mere three syllables "Chen Xianglan" carried the weight of rolling thunder, though the servants stationed outside the second inner gates rarely ever laid eyes on her. Hearing the name, the porter's eyes bulged wide. He stared fixedly at Xianglan, his jaw dropping in absolute disbelief.

Xianglan repeated, "Please announce my arrival."

As if jolted awake from a dream, the porter stammered a breathless "Ah!" and scrambled head over heels toward the inner courtyards.

Xianglan stood by the doorway with a composed expression, though the knees hidden beneath her skirt were trembling uncontrollably. In the span of less than a quarter of an hour, a thousand different scenarios flashed through her mind. She imagined that Lin Jinlou might not even be willing to grant her a single glance, and a chaotic mix of bitter emotions churned in her chest. Just as her thoughts were running wild, the door swung open. Shuangxi stood in the threshold, clearly having run all the way, panting heavily. The moment he spotted Xianglan, his face lit up with overwhelming joy, and he babbled repeatedly, "Mistress, it really is you! Come in quickly." As he spoke, he ushered her inside, leading her straight to the entrance of the study. Shuran hurried out to meet them, grasping Xianglan's hands tightly as she choked out, "Where on earth have you been all this time?" Her voice caught on the verge of tears.

With no time to dwell on that, Xianglan asked urgently, "Where is the Eldest Young Master?"

Shuran glanced toward the study with a troubled expression. "We already announced you, but the Eldest Young Master said he wouldn't see you. He said that since the Mistress left, she left, and he might as well consider..." The second half of the sentence was swallowed back down, though Xianglan understood all too well that it probably meant considering her dead. Reading the dread on Xianglan's face, Shuran quickly added, "The Eldest Young Master has been drinking! He was just talking nonsense in his cups!"

Xianglan nodded, managed a strained smile, and stepped forward toward the study doors. Shuangxi gave a start, instinctively moving to call out to her, but Jixiang caught him by the arm and shook his head.

Pushing open the study door, Xianglan stepped into a chilling, shadowy gloom. The room was shrouded in darkness, save for a faint flicker of candlelight glowing from the inner chamber. Standing outside the beaded bamboo curtain, Xianglan trembled violently from head to toe. The mere prospect of seeing Lin Jinlou once more made her heart threaten to leap straight out of her throat. Taking a deep breath, she lifted the curtain and stepped inside. The room featured vermilion latticed windows lined with rose-tinted gauze, a couch adorned with hibiscus-patterned bedding, and a small crimson side table placed beside the kang. Wreaths of sandalwood incense curled in the air around a mica desk screen, preserving the same lavish luxury as before, but it was now heavy with a gloomy, oppressive atmosphere, and the pungent reek of alcohol hit her the moment she crossed the threshold. Lin Jinlou was leaning against a pair of damask pillows on the mandarin duck couch beneath the hollow-carved red windows. He wore a loose, unfastened silk robe, his chest bared, still clutching a flagon of wine in his hand. Hearing the movement, he turned his head with irritable annoyance and barked, "Who the hell gave you permission to en—"

The words died in his throat as he caught sight of who was standing before him. His entire body froze stiff. Instantly whipping his head away, his broad shoulders and expansive back instantly tensed. He drew in a few deep, ragged breaths before forcing a few words out from between clenched teeth: "What are you doing here? Didn't you leave?"

"I did leave." Xianglan felt her voice sound dry and strained. Lowering her gaze slightly, she spoke softly, "I... I have something to say to you. If you listen and still want to chase me away, I will go without a word."

Lin Jinlou turned his head back, staring fixedly at Xianglan. He lifted his wine flagon, took another swallow, his expression calm yet his gaze razor-sharp and chillingly detached. "What do you have to say?"

Xianglan remained silent for a long moment, choosing her words as carefully as if she were weighing every single stroke, or perhaps gathering every ounce of courage she possessed. At last, she began: "There are some things that have been weighing on my heart, unsaid for the longest time... I was never happy from the very first day I entered the Lin household as a maid. In those past few years, the days I spent weeping far outnumbered the days I smiled. Despite knowing in my mind that I needed to let things go and rise above it, when trouble actually landed on my doorstep, how could I keep my heart from being stirred and angered? There was a time when I grew completely disheartened, unwilling to utter a single word, feeling that life had lost all hope and having no idea where to turn. Yet after surviving those trials and regaining my clarity, I told myself that I must live each day well. Even if everything could not be set right, I shouldn't let my days pass by in empty vanity. Perhaps tomorrow would be even harder to endure than today, but no matter how difficult the days grew, I had to remain a good person. Step by step, I walked all the way to where I am today. Looking back on these past few years, it feels as though I've been reborn through the fire, entirely changed from who I used to be..."

Lin Jinlou closed his eyes. Scene after scene of the past flashed rapidly across his mind. He muttered in a low voice, "I had no idea your life inside was so agonizing... So you still hate me, don't you?" He let out a self-deprecating laugh, took another heavy swig of wine as if hating Xianglan and hating himself all the more, and roared, "No wonder..." With a vicious flick of his wrist, he hurled the wine flagon hard against the wall, where it shattered into a thousand pieces with a loud crack.

Xianglan jumped in fright, but she took another step forward. "Please let me finish." Pausing briefly, she continued, "Do you remember the first time I left the Lin family to go to the Song household? At that time, I felt the sky was clear and the water was blue, completely carefree, and I could hum a tune to myself every single day. But this time around, leaving didn't bring that kind of liberation at all; it just felt like I was slowly turning into dead wood, dragging out a hollow existence..."

The rims of Xianglan's eyes were already red. This was the first time she had ever bared her soul to Lin Jinlou with such agonizing difficulty. "I don't know why it turned out like this. You were never a good man to begin with—you were always forcing me, pressing me, acting domineering and unreasonable, flaunting your romantic flings, and constantly bullying me... All I wanted was to leave and live a peaceful life, but even that kind of life brought me no joy. Every way I've changed, everything I've become, is because of you."

By the end, her voice was thick and choked with emotion. Lin Jinlou's expression remained expressionless as he simply picked up another jar of wine and drank it gulp after gulp. Xianglan wiped her tears with her sleeve, drew a sharp breath, and continued, "These past few years, my life has always been paved with obstacles. Just when things began to look slightly brighter, I would instantly plunge back into the abyss. Perhaps having been disappointed for so long, I gradually taught myself not to dare hope for too much. In my heart, I secretly prayed that things would get better and better, yet I always felt good things wouldn't happen to someone like me. So, right from the start, I chose not to expect anything, ensuring I wouldn't be disappointed later on... It was like... like when you told me you loved me."

Her lips trembled, her eyes swimming with tears until Lin Jinlou became a blurred silhouette in her vision. She tried desperately to focus on him, but failed. "I come from a humble background, and in the future, I'm afraid I cannot even bear children. As time goes on, every single thing about me will be a mistake. I was terrified that this life, which had only just started to get a little better, would be overturned once again by the fickle winds of fate. I was truly terrified; I didn't want to endure decades of such agonizing torment. I... I love you too. But I didn't dare say it, nor could I bring myself to say it, as if uttering those words would drag me down into eternal damnation."

As she spoke, her suppressed sobs broke through, and tears rolled down her face like falling melons. "I didn't know what to do either, but when I heard that you had injured your leg, my heart felt like it was being fried in hot oil. I couldn't stop myself from rushing right over here, and that's when I knew I had no choice—I had to come back after all..."

Silence filled the room.

Xianglan kept her head bowed low. Having poured out everything bottled up in the depths of her heart, she felt a momentary sense of lightness and clarity, followed immediately by a wave of crushing heartache and bitterness. Lin Jinlou made no further sound. It's been half a year, Xianglan thought numbly, perhaps he has grown sick of me too. Trembling all over and nearly unable to stand, she felt an overwhelming wave of humiliation wash over her. Fighting back the urge to sob out loud, she kept her head lowered and spoke in a flat, mechanical voice, "Since the Eldest Young Master is fine, I, I..." The words "I will take my leave now" stuck fast in her throat.

Suddenly, the light ahead of her was blocked by a tall, shadowy figure, and a pair of boots entered her field of vision. Startled, Xianglan hurried to lift her head, tears sliding all across her face. Through her tear-blurred vision, she couldn't make out the expression on Lin Jinlou's face, but he staggered forward, grabbing hold of her. As if unable to steady himself, his head pitched forward into her chest, and he slid down into a kneeling posture on the floor, as though those few short steps had carried him across a thousand mountains and rivers, leaving him utterly exhausted and drained of all strength to stand.

Xianglan could no longer speak. She simply let her tears fall, reaching out to stroke his neck and shoulders. Lin Jinlou gave a violent shudder, jerked upright, and reached out to cup Xianglan's face in his hands. Under the flickering candlelight, his expression looked as though he had just fought a desperate, life-or-death battle against an army of ten thousand men—raw with intense pain, surging emotion, and overflowing affection, so heavy with feeling it bordered on fierce agony. "Do you have any idea how I've survived these past six months?" he ground out through clenched teeth, his hands moving with infinite gentleness as he wiped the tear-drops from her face. "I felt like I was losing my mind, losing my humanity! Damn it, I actually wanted to strangle you to death!"

Before Xianglan could even draw breath to reply, Lin Jinlou yanked her violently into his embrace. With his chest of iron and arms of steel, she was nothing more than a fragile wisp of silk against him. Possessing terrifying strength, he fumbled and kneaded her body as if she were a little kitten. "I've regretted treating you the way I did long ago! But what kind of heart do you have, woman? I already told you I was going to love you and treat you well, so why the hell did you run off anyway?! Even if you can't have children, it's no big deal—the Lin family isn't relying on me alone to carry on the ancestral line! I'd rather wrong myself than ever wrong you. My very life belongs to you; why on earth won't you understand my heart?"

Clinging to Lin Jinlou's chest, Xianglan felt a complex mix of sorrow and overwhelming relief upon hearing those words. Her sobbing redoubled until she was practically gasping. "You were just trying to chase me away..."

"I was worried out of my mind, genuinely thinking I'd never see you again, so what kind of nonsense was I supposed to say? ... If I had really wanted to chase you away, do you think I would've searched everywhere for you? If you had dared to take another step away back then, see what I would've done."

Xianglan wept, "Why are you like this..."

"How am I like this? ... Fine, fine, it's all my fault. Stop crying, I swear I'll treat you right from now on, really." As he spoke, he had already lowered his head to press his lips against Xianglan's, murmuring against her mouth, "We're getting married right away, quick as lightning, so you won't ever be able to run away again..."

Xianglan felt the breath knocked right out of her lungs. Lin Jinlou's kisses were fierce and punishing. When she tried to push him away and speak, Lin Jinlou effortlessly swept her up horizontally in his arms, kissing her without pause as he carried her to the edge of the kang and pressed her down beneath him.

Her face flushed crimson, Xianglan struggled faintly and protested, "Wait..."

Lin Jinlou had already ripped open the collar of Xianglan's blouse with both hands, revealing a rouge-colored bodice beneath her white gauze tunic, set against a band of snowy skin and wrapped in a delicate, lingering fragrance. His eyes burning red, he shoved his hand inside to fondle her, kissing her tender face and rosy neck in frantic succession as he panted heavily, "I can't wait. I've missed you for half a year—if I wait any longer, I'll die." Between kisses, he demanded, "Did you miss me? Hmm? Tell me quickly, did you miss me?" As he spoke, he pressed himself into her, his body trembling slightly as he clenched his teeth, entirely lost for words. Xianglan furrowed her brows, letting out a soft moan as she buried her face deeply into the heavy mattress, her hands clinging weakly to Lin Jinlou's broad back. Lin Jinlou's muscles bulged as he thrust with growing intensity, beads of sweat rolling down his forehead. Falling into a hazy daze, Xianglan gave a sudden shiver as golden stars burst before her eyes, and Lin Jinlou collapsed forward into the crook of her neck, gasping for breath.

Once her wits finally returned, Xianglan realized something was amiss and hastily struggled, stammering, "What about your leg? Didn't you break it?"

Like a well-fed, deeply satisfied giant cat, Lin Jinlou chuckled with triumphant delight, giving the tip of Xianglan's nose a playful tweak. "You silly girl, I was just tricking you. If I hadn't said that, would you have come back? Would you have confessed that you love me?" He let out a booming laugh and added, "You said you love me, I heard it with my own ears! Tomorrow I'm going to hang a golden plaque outside, and I'll even compose a poem to display right here in this room so I can remember today for the rest of my life."

Stunned dumb, a mixture of shame and indignation rushed over Xianglan, her face turning as red as a beet as fresh tears welled up. She began pinching and biting Lin Jinlou, crying out, "How can you be like this! Why are you always bullying people..."

Laughing, Lin Jinlou subdued both of her wrists with one hand and leaned in to kiss her again, sealing her lips. "I only bully you because I care about you. If anyone else wanted to be bullied by your Lord, I wouldn't even grant them the face. I'm just loving you, truly." Propping himself up, he rained a flurry of tender, lingering kisses across her face, silencing her once more.