Against the Current - Chapter 349

Chapter 349 - Yearning (Part 2)

Meanwhile, Xianglan held a broom, sweeping fallen leaves across the courtyard. Raising her eyes to gaze into the distance, she shared the same sky as Lin Jinlou, beholding clear blue skies dotted with drifting clouds under the crisp, refreshing autumn weather.

Back when Bao'er had helped her to the Guanyin Temple to rest, he had said, "Mistress, rest for a moment and drink a cup of tea to calm your nerves. Later on, this subordinate will escort you back."

Instead, Xianglan stared blankly for a long while before replying, "I have no desire to ever return to the Lin household. If you are willing to help me, let me go instead."

Startled, Bao'er stared at her in utter astonishment and asked, "Why?"

Gazing at the warm tea before her, Xianglan said, "I was never truly happy living in the Lin family. I want to spend a few days in peace and quiet, living a life that pleases my own heart."

"Ah? But you have fine food and wine every day, silks and satins to wear, and an army of maids and servants waiting on you—how could you not be happy..." Bao'er scratched his head. "I did hear that the Mistress suffered grievances in the past, but nowadays there isn't a soul in the entire estate who doesn't treat you with respect. All the masters hold you in high regard, and the Eldest Young Master cherishes you deeply. How could the Mistress..."

Xianglan shook her head. "When I first arrived at the Lin estate as a lowly little maid and suffered endless bullying and humiliation, I'm sure no one would have believed I could ever reach where I am today. A good time does not last a thousand days, and no flower blooms forever—who can say what kind of desperate plight I might find myself in down the road?"

"The Mistress is simply borrowing trouble and worrying over nothing..."

"I am only afraid that I may never be able to bear children in the future."

"Ah? ... That rumor is true, then? It was those sisters from the Jiang family..."

"The Eldest Young Master is the eldest grandson of the lineage; how could he possibly go without heirs? Even if he overcomes every obstacle to elevate my status, he will inevitably have to take concubines in the future to ensure the continuation of the family line. With my humble background and not a shred of backing to rely upon, I would drift like duckweed in the wind. Moreover, this whole ordeal has driven a wedge between the Eldest Young Master and his father, leaving the elders displeased, which would only make life far more difficult for me in the future. I believe that the Eldest Young Master's feelings for me are genuine right now, but human hearts are fickle, and I have never dared to harbor such extravagant hopes. If things went poorly, I could end up with a superficially glorious existence masking a bitter reality. If it truly came to that, the grand gates of a wealthy noble household would be nothing more than a cold, glittering cage of gold and jade... Only to find myself locked inside a golden cage, wishing I were singing freely in the woods like the birds."

Bao'er stood dumbstruck, speechless for a long time, before finally managing, "I don't understand the flowery poetry the Mistress recites, but I get the meaning. Back when my older sister became the Eldest Young Master's concubine, everyone in the family thought she had finally made it big. Who could have known she would end up in such a wretched state? Even some of the haughty, ruthless servants could push her around. She would have been better off remaining a humble maid from the start—at least she might have kept her life. She died so miserably, and if not for the Mistress, our whole family would have been torn apart..." His eye rims reddened as he spoke, wiping at his eyes with his sleeve. Pausing for a moment, he continued, "But the Eldest Young Master truly dotes on the Mistress. All the servants are saying he still wants to marry you..." He stole a cautious glance at Xianglan. "Can the Mistress truly bear to steel her heart?"

At the mention of Lin Jinlou, a sorrowful shadow crossed Xianglan's expression, but her thoughts drifted to her younger sister, Jialian. Back then, Yuan Shaoren's feelings had also been completely sincere, yet in the end, they were ground to dust amidst human malice and cruel storms. She and Song柯 had also shared a deep mutual affection, yet ultimately they could not withstand the fickle, unpredictable turns of the mortal world. Shaking her head, she said, "For as long as I've lived, I have spent most of my time living for others and putting their wishes first. Just this once, I want to think of myself. I have no grand ambitions for glory or renown in this lifetime; I simply want to live a few days of quiet peace..." With that, Xianglan offered Bao'er a faint smile. That smile carried countless layers of hardship and heartache, yet her eyes shone as bright as the stars. "The Eldest Young Master... the Eldest Young Master will surely find someone else who suits his heart in time..."

The sight of her wrung Bao'er's heart. Remembering the kindness Xianglan had shown his family—especially after Yingge's death, when she had even instructed Guiyuan to look after him—he hardened his heart and said, "Fine! Since it's what the Mistress wants, I have nothing more to say."

The two of them hashed out a plan. Bao'er suggested, "I have a distant maternal aunt who is an elderly woman left behind to look after a property here in the capital. She is deaf and mute, has no children, and is an honest, hardworking soul. As she grew older, the Lin family let her live alone in a small courtyard in the back alleys outside the estate to keep an eye on things. She usually lives there all by herself. As the saying goes, 'it is darkest under the lamp'—the Mistress could stay there for the time being. If we give her a bit of silver every month, absolutely no one would ever suspect it."

Xianglan felt the idea was sound, so she took up her brush and penned a letter. Pretending to search for her, Bao'er arranged to meet her halfway up the mountain, where he quietly smuggled her back into the capital. Xianglan took off a gold ring and had Bao'er pawn it for twenty taels of silver, handing ten of those taels to him. When Bao'er tried to refuse it, pushing it back, Xianglan insisted, "There will be times when I must rely on you in the future, so keep this for now."

Upon reaching the back alleys, Xianglan saw that it was indeed a secluded, single-entrance courtyard consisting of a main room and two side chambers, completely packed with heavy, crude, and bulky odds and ends. The old woman slept in the western chamber. After Xianglan handed her a tael of silver, the old woman beamed with delight and hurriedly cleaned out the eastern chamber, making up a bed space that was barely passable. Thus, Xianglan settled in.

For the next half-year, she lived in quiet seclusion, rarely stepping outside, spending her days doing needlework. Bao'er would occasionally visit, bringing provisions, and she would give him her finished needlework to take out and sell for money. Xianglan knew deep down that this was the life she had always wanted: waking up early to stroll around the courtyard, watering flowers and tending to weeds, taking an afternoon nap, and spending the quiet nights reading behind closed doors, finding joy in her own company. The remainder of her time was spent sewing, practicing calligraphy, or painting. She no longer had to walk on eggshells or read anyone else's expression, nor did she have to endure petty slights or dark, unspoken grievances. There was no need for immense wealth or extravagant luxuries; simple coarse tea and plain rice were more than enough, as long as every single day brought peace and freedom. Xianglan felt she should be content. Once she finished the embroidered screen she was working on, she could sell it for a tidy sum, pawn another hairpin for extra silver, and quietly set off southward to fetch her parents, finding some picturesque corner of the world with good mountains and clear waters to live out her days. Yet every time these thoughts crossed her mind, her composure would scatter, and her hopes would inevitably fall through.

The daytime hours were manageable enough, but whenever night fell and she pulled the quilt around herself in bed, her thoughts would fly away in a chaotic flurry, dragging up a past she had thought already blurred into vagueness with startling, painful clarity. She remembered when she first laid eyes on him by the creek upon entering the Lin estate, how he had rescued her when she was nearly violated, how she was eventually forced to become his concubine, his past insults and physical abuse, their days together in Yangzhou, the various ways he had shielded and defended her in front of others, and later their shared brush with death on that snowy night, alongside a tenderness and doting affection she could never speak of to outsiders. Every little detail and trivial memory—things she thought she had long since forgotten—surged forward in an overwhelming wave. The recollections she wished never to unearth churned inside her heart like a pot of water about to boil, scorching her with a dull ache that she was forced to suppress, which only left her feeling all the more hollow inside.

Unable to sleep, she simply rose from bed, turned up the wick of her oil lamp, spread out a sheet of paper, and began practicing calligraphy to clear her mind. Instead, her brush drifted across the page, sketching out a few casual strokes that outlined Lin Jinlou's features—his sidelong glance, looking back at her with a half-smile that wasn't quite a smile. Xianglan froze, a large blot of ink dropping plop right onto the paper from her brush tip. She suddenly realized just how deeply she missed him: his piercing, intense gaze, his exasperatingly overbearing words and actions, his bad temper that could be smoothed out just by stroking his fur the right way, and the pious, carefully cautious look on his face when he had held her in his arms that day and whispered, "I love you."

Bit by bit, imperceptibly, he had wound himself into her very bones and blood. She buried her face in both hands. How could her own heart have been any better? On several occasions, she had almost failed to restrain herself from running back to him. Yet obstacles piled upon obstacles barred the way; how could a person survive on love alone when faced with such insurmountable walls? In the end, all those obstacles would simply scatter their affection and burn away their love.

While one side of the story unfolded here, another blossomed elsewhere. Back in the capital, while Lin Jinlou was standing before the falling leaves and floating blossoms, unusually given to deep contemplation, Ling Su came running in to report: "The two young masters from the Liu and Xie families have arrived and are waiting in the study."

Lin Jinlou's heart was already heavy with melancholy, and upon hearing that it was those two troublemakers, he couldn't be bothered to entertain them. Strolling sluggishly toward the front quarters, he finally managed to paste a beaming, radiant smile across his face the moment he crossed the second inner gate, walking with a leisurely, unhurried gait—after all, what kind of man was Lin Jinlou? To be caught lamenting autumn and mourning spring like some sentimental woman, if word of that got out, it would ruin his hard-earned reputation for a lifetime.

Stepping into the study, Lin Jinlou saw Liu Xiaochuan lounging lazily in a chair with one leg crossed over the other. Seeing him enter, Liu Xiaochuan gestured vaguely with his hand and chided, "You're really not playing fair, Brother. The last time we brothers invited you out for drinks, you bolted before half the time was up, and you even gave the beauty the cold shoulder, making poor Lady Mei Wu weep her eyes out. Truly, it's enough to break the heart of anyone who sees it, and bring tears to the eyes of anyone who hears it."

Dropping his eyelids in a bored expression, Lin Jinlou drawled, "Does your lazy ass have nothing better to do than come over here just to chew the fat and waste my time? If you don't have anything serious to say, get the hell out of here. I'm busy and don't have the leisure to listen to your idle chatter."

Liu Xiaochuan let out a huff, glanced sideways at Xie Yu, and muttered, "There you have it, Brother. Here the two of us were, acting like a couple of fools running around delivering messages for him, and look—he's chasing us out before we've even said a few sentences."

Twirling an ancient piece of jade carved with symbols of longevity and good fortune in his hand, Xie Yu chuckled teasingly, "Hearing the way he talks to the two of us today, he thoroughly deserves to be left twisting in the wind and sweating bullets."

Assuming the two of them had simply come to talk nonsense and add to his headache, Lin Jinlou smiled and said, "What on earth is your honorable business today? If you want to horse around, don't do it in my house. If you came here to pick a fight over me abandoning you last time, another day your elder brother here will play host and treat you both to a banquet. Now both of you, back to your homes."

Slowly pushing himself up from his chair, Liu Xiaochuan said, "Fine! Since our dear brother doesn't want to see us, let's go! Truly, he bloody well deserves to never find Xianglan and spend his freezing winter nights crying alone in a cold bed."

Before the words had even finished echoing, a sharp thwack cracked through the room. Liu Xiaochuan shrank his neck in reflex and spun around, only to see the last trace of a smile completely wiped from Lin Jinlou's face as he brought his heavy hand crashing down onto the desk with all his might.

Realizing things had taken a bad turn, Xie Yu sprang up immediately, rummaging through his robes while saying, "Brother, keep your temper, don't fly off the handle. The two of us are actually bringing you good news." As he spoke, he pulled out a ring and handed it forward, saying, "It's this right here." Noticing that Lin Jinlou's lips were pressed into a tight, hard line and his face was already clouded with gathering storm-clouds, Xie Yu quickly added, "This came through our family's pawnshop; the shopkeeper presented it as a fine piece of goods acquired over the past six months, and the moment I laid eyes on it, I recognized it. Do you remember this, Brother? This was the token of first meeting you gave to your little sister-in-law back in Yangzhou, embedded with pearls and emeralds—imported goods from overseas, you won't find a second piece like this anywhere around here. The shopkeeper said the person who brought the ring in to pawn was a young servant, not very tall, with a sharp and clever look about him, a distinctive red mole right on his chin, and he was driving a carriage..."

Lin Jinlou's complexion turned an ashen blue. His hands clenched into tight fists before slamming down onto the table with another heavy thud. Gritting his teeth, he barked, "Bring Bao'er here!"

Before long, Bao'er was hauled into the room. Without even waiting for him to drop to his knees in a formal salute, Lin Jinlou grabbed him by the collar and hurled him violently to the side. Bao'er tumbled onto the floor, letting out a sharp "Ow!" Before he could even recover his wits, Lin Jinlou planted a heavy boot squarely on his chest. Bao'er let out a whimper of pain as hot tears rolled down his face.

Finding the sight hard to watch, Xie Yu stepped forward and gave Lin Jinlou's arm a tug, saying, "Easy, Brother, calm your temper. We still don't know for certain if it's even him; if you have questions, ask them properly. Why resort to violence?"

With a dark, grim expression, Lin Jinlou snapped, "This is none of your concern." He glared down at Bao'er, flicked his wrist, and tossed the ring so that it clattered against the floor right beside Bao'er's hand. With a cold sneer, he demanded, "Recognize this thing? Talk!"

Bao'er's legs had already turned to jelly from sheer terror, and the sight of the ring scared half his soul right out of his body. Seeing the fierce, murderous look in Lin Jinlou's eyes—making him look for all the world like a wrathful judge straight out of the underworld, his handsome face twisted from pale to bruised crimson with veins bulging thickly on his forehead—Bao'er hardly dared to look at him. Lin Jinlou hauled him back up by the collar, his teeth grinding together as he growled, "I'm asking you, how did you get your hands on this?! Where is Xianglan? Where is she?!"

Trembling like a leaf in a windstorm, Bao'er felt as though his legs were made of boiled noodles. Realizing he could no longer keep it hidden, he stammered out between shivers, "It... it was truly the Mistress herself who wanted to leave... She, she said she wasn't happy in the Lin family, and that she feared she wouldn't be able to bear children in the future. She knew the Eldest Young Master would eventually take concubines and have children, bringing home new favorites, and since the Master disliked her, she worried she wouldn't even have a square inch of ground to stand on later..." Lin Jinlou felt a deafening roar echo in his ears. With a loose flick of his wrist, he dropped Bao'er back onto the floor, where the boy wobbled twice before collapsing into a sitting position. Kneeling on the ground and sobbing uncontrollably, Bao'er poured out the entire sequence of events from beginning to end.

The blood in Lin Jinlou's entire body ran cold. The person he had pined for day and night, searching high and low across the earth, had actually been right under his nose the entire time, preferring to suffer hardship rather than willingly return to him. He felt a suffocating block of air rise up and wedge itself tightly in his chest. Moving as if to storm out and drag that woman back, he froze upon hearing Bao'er's tear-choked voice trail off: "The Mistress... the Mistress said she was simply too tired and too afraid..." Lin Jinlou halted in his tracks, slowly pulling back his foot, and stood rooted to the spot.