Against the Current - Chapter 348

Chapter 348 - Yearning (Part 1)

Lin Jinlou fell into a muddled sleep, completely losing track of time when he woke. Sitting up for a long while, he still felt as though he were trapped in a bizarre and absurd dream. Outside, it was already dusk, and the room was cast in dim shadows. Lin Jinlou rolled his neck, his gaze instantly locking onto the letter from Xianglan that he had tossed onto the kang. His expression darkened instantly. He got off the kang to pour some tea, only to discover that the teapot was bone dry, not a single drop remaining, which only fueled his rising irritation. With a sharp crash, he hurled the teapot onto the floor. Shuangxi was keeping watch outside, and hearing the commotion, he hurriedly poked his head in, only to be met with Lin Jinlou's roar: "Who's out there? Huh? Where the hell have you all vanished to, running off and hiding when I need you? What use is keeping a bunch of useless good-for-nothings around?"

Suppressing a bitter sigh in his heart, Shuangxi scurried inside and said, "Eldest Young Master, you're awake..." Before he could finish, another teacup came flying at him. Lin Jinlou bellowed, "Get out, get out, get the hell out of my sight!" Shuangxi tucked his tail between his legs and scrambled away in a panic.

Huffing and puffing, Lin Jinlou sat back down, feeling a relentless ache radiating from the top of his head straight down to his heart, as if ten thousand blades were drilling into his core. Just then, a light tapping sound came from the screen by the door. He was just about to unleash a surge of pent-up annoyance when Yuan Shaoren stepped out from behind it. Giving Lin Jinlou a faint smile, Yuan Shaoren casually carried a teapot in his hand. As he poured a cup of tea for Lin Jinlou, he remarked, "What's with the fiery temper? Hmm? That kind of disposition of yours is enough to scare people half to death. Who in their right mind wouldn't run away upon seeing you like this?"

This single remark struck right at Lin Jinlou's rawest nerve, draining the last bit of color from his face. Wearing a ferocious expression, he snapped, "Go stay wherever it's cool and leave me alone. Don't block my sight here; I'm in no mood to see anyone today."

Yuan Shaoren was completely unbothered. Having shared a life-or-death bond with Lin Jinlou over a long and deep friendship, he understood him inside and out. He stepped forward and gave Lin Jinlou's shoulder a pat, saying, "What? Can't find the person you're looking for, so you're taking it out on me? Barking at people randomly like a rabid dog." As he spoke, his eyes fell upon the piece of stationery lying on the bed, and he reached out to pick it up. Lin Jinlou lunged forward, barking, "Put that down!" But Yuan Shaoren scanned the contents in a glance, ignoring Lin Jinlou's attempt to snatch it back, and let out an irrepressible chuckle. "So that's how it is. You're finally getting a taste of your own medicine, which explains why your expression turned so sour. Look at what's written here: 'never once found true joy.' Tsk tsk, well? Do you regret not treating her better back then?"

"Get lost, get lost, get lost! Who invited you to my house anyway? Get out of here!"

"Fine, fine, I'll leave the moment I say my piece. Right now, there are so many people scouring the countryside looking for her—within a radius of several dozen miles around the Medicine King Temple, they're turning over every single blade of grass, yet they haven't found a single trace. Now, whatever happens next depends entirely on a word from you."

With a dark and brooding expression, Lin Jinlou remained silent. He picked up his bowl, drained the tea in a single gulp, and slammed the cup back down heavily onto the table.

"All right, don't I know you by now? Are you seriously going to stop looking?"

Lin Jinlou didn't utter a word, feeling a surge of hot blood rush back up his throat while a numb, agonizing pain tore through his chest. He was a man who traditionally swallowed his teeth along with his blood, keeping his broken arms hidden inside his sleeves and never once airing his grievances to others. Yet this crushing misery refused to be suppressed no matter what he did, forcing the words out of him against his will: "She... she is far too ruthless..." His voice choked up, and he could say no more.

Yuan Shaoren's expression darkened slightly as well. He gave Lin Jinlou's shoulder another reassuring pat. "She was probably terrified deep down. She isn't some naive young girl who gets carried away by a burst of passion and thinks love can conquer all; she understands things far too clearly."

Lin Jinlou shot Yuan Shaoren a sideways glare. "You claim to understand? Look at you acting like some grand master of romance."

"It's knowledge bought with plenty of blood and tears." Yuan Shaoren lowered his gaze, lost in thoughts of someone else, before finally letting out a melancholy sigh. "Yingyang, fortunately it was her. If anyone else had gone through all of that, goodness knows what kind of wretched state they'd be in by now." With that, he drew a deep breath and let it out slowly, adding, "We're brothers, so let's drop the hollow pretenses. I'll lend you a hand and send my own men out to search." Having said his piece, he turned and left.

Lin Jinlou continued to dispatch his subordinates to search for her, yet in the vast, boundless sea of humanity, no trace of her could be found. Believing that Xianglan would surely return home to visit her parents, he secretly sent men to investigate there as well. However, Xianglan had never returned. Mentioning Xianglan caused Chen Wanquan's eyes to crinkle into slits of pure delight, his face folding into a map of joyous wrinkles as he boasted, "My daughter is currently living in the capital alongside General Lin! Do you know that play called The Biography of the Orchid Hermit? The story being sung on stage is entirely about my daughter... Ah, talk about rising to prominence—hehe! My daughter has a truly loyal and courageous heart. I'm not just bragging, but throughout history, there are precious few virtuous and steadfast women who could ever compare to her..."

With no sign of her to be found, life still had to go on, day after agonizing day. Lin Jinlou found his days hollow and empty; returning to his quarters brought only a chilling desolation. For the first month, catching sight of the handkerchiefs, clothing, fans, scented sachets, books she had read, or paintings she had drawn left him burning with a searing, intolerable ache. In a fit of torment, he smashed countless things, frightening Shuran and the other maids so badly that they quietly gathered up everything Xianglan had ever used and stored it away, replacing all the bedding and window curtains with brand-new ones. When Lin Jinlou returned and stepped into the room, he stood frozen in a daze for a long while. Xiao Juan, trembling with fear, stepped in to serve tea, only to hear Lin Jinlou say as she prepared to leave: "Put the old things back where they were. At least it feels like there's some human warmth in here." Stunned, Xiao Juan stammered out a hasty agreement before scurrying away.

Not a single soul dared to utter the name "Xianglan." Even Madam Qin walked on eggshells around him, watching her eldest son's gloomy complexion before occasionally turning to complain to Madam Wang: "Tell me, did I commit some terrible sin in a past life? Lou'er goes around looking half-dead with a scowl on his face all day long. Why is he determined to make everyone miserable?"

Though Lin Changmin lay severely injured in bed, Madam Wang appeared remarkably more spirited than usual, adorned in a brand-new set of pure gold hair ornaments. She remarked to Madam Qin, "It's because his heart is weighed down with longing; when does he ever have a smile on his face? When I think of our Ling'er, I end up crying in the dead of night too. Lou'er is a grown man, so naturally he doesn't weep the way we do, but surely his heart is crying just the same."

Was Lin Jinlou's heart suffering? He knew full well that he ought to stand tall and unyielding; at his age, he had no business making others worry about him, not to mention the countless men in the Lin Family Army who depended on him. He forced himself to pull it together, putting on a vigorous, high-spirited front. Yet deep down, he felt as though his entire being had gone numb. All social interactions and daily courtesies felt like a hollow performance; only when he retreated to his private rooms with no one else around did he realize just how bone-weary he truly was. The endless torment threatened to choke the breath right out of him, yet in the dead of night when dreams overtook him, his vision remained filled with nothing but the shadow of Chen Xianglan. He should have returned to Jinling long ago, yet he stubbornly lingered in the capital for the sole purpose of finding this one woman. He occasionally found himself gripped by a terrifying fear: could that woman already be dead? But with no body to bury and no corpse to be found, how could he ever let go and resign himself to fate?

Chu Dapeng had successfully passed the imperial examinations and was about to be dispatched to a provincial post in Jiangsu and Zhejiang, so he specifically hosted a banquet to invite his friends. At the feast, Chu Dapeng personally poured a cup of wine for Lin Jinlou with a smile. "I'll be heading over to Elder Brother's territory soon, so I must ask for your kind grace and looking-after."

Lin Jinlou offered a faint smile, raised his cup, and replied, "We're all brothers here, there's no need to be so formal."

After tossing back the cup of wine, Liu Xiaochuan leaned in with a cheeky grin and said, "Big Brother Lou, the beauties brought in to entertain us today are the finest and most sought-after maidens in the capital. Care to cast an eye and pick one out?"

Lin Jinlou raised his eyelids to take a look. Four beauties of varying statures—ranging from voluptuous to slender—all sported peach-blossom cheeks and apricot skin, presenting an exceptionally lovely picture. Sitting quietly there, a thought suddenly struck him: What was the point of all this? That heartless woman had left him behind without a care in the world; why should he give a damn whether she lived or died? He might as well indulge in pleasure and enjoy himself for a day whenever he could, just like he used to do before. Besides, the beauties before him were delicate, charming, radiant, and exceedingly accommodating. Why should he wrong himself?

Just as these thoughts crossed his mind, Xie Yu, quick-witted and sharp-eyed, had already stepped forward to pull a qin-playing courtesan toward them, pressing her down right beside Lin Jinlou. With a laugh, Xie Yu said, "Big Brother, this Mei Wu here is a newcomer. Ever since she was a little girl, her family hired several tutors for her—she's well-versed in the qin, chess, calligraphy, painting, and all the classics and histories. Since she's keeping you company, Big Brother, you must treat her gently and cherish her, and don't go scaring the poor girl." He then gestured lightly toward Mei Wu and added, "Take good care of him."

Lin Jinlou half-closed his eyes to appraise her. He saw that she possessed willow-leaf eyebrows like drifting mist, skin as smooth and white as jade, and was dressed in a silver-striped gauze tunic over a crimson-brocade gold-threaded trailing skirt. She was undeniably a rare beauty. Mei Wu's face bloomed with a radiant smile as she raised a cup of wine with her delicate, jade-like fingers and said softly, "Grand Lord Lin, Mei Wu will toast you first."

Lin Jinlou stared at her for a long moment before finally taking the cup from her hand and downing the wine. Throughout the banquet, the wine flowed freely amidst endless toasts. Lin Jinlou refused none of them, and by the time he was half-intoxicated, the others exchanged knowing glances and signaled Mei Wu to help him retire to the back rooms to rest. The moment Lin Jinlou stepped outside, a blast of night wind sobered him up by half. As Mei Wu reached out to support his arm with a sweet smile, saying, "Big Brother, the guest chambers are this way..."

Before she could finish her sentence, Lin Jinlou shoved her away. Staggering slightly, he made his way outside, ordered his men to bring his horse, and rode off alone. He had simply grown sick of it all in an instant. The very places meant for pleasure and merrymaking now felt utterly unbearable to him. It was all nothing more than hollow hellos and goodbyes, a superficial play-acting where women looked as pretty as flowers, every smile and flutter of their eyelashes calculated to read men's minds—whispering sweet words of deep affection to him, playing coy, or acting tender and understanding while begging for pity behind a fake, manufactured smile of feigned joy. Xianglan had never once been like that. That silly girl always approached him with a heart full of sincerity, always willing to take a loss or let others take advantage of her without a single complaint. Just a simple smile from her had been enough to warm his heart from the inside out. Thinking of these things felt like dropping a heavy weight straight into his chest, cutting into his heart like a thousand scattered blades. His anger flared up, feeling like a dull knife slowly slicing through his flesh, pushing him to the brink of despair. Yet as soon as he dragged himself out of his self-pity and sorrow, he found himself helplessly yearning for her all over again, a voice deep inside his soul constantly crying out for her to return—so long as she came back, he would ask no questions at all; as long as she was by his side, nothing else mattered.

And so the days slipped quietly by. Standing in his room and looking out the window, Lin Jinlou watched the red leaves fluttering wildly atop the branches while yellow chrysanthemums carpeted the courtyard below. He had been so dizzyingly caught up in his frantic busyness lately that he hadn't even realized summer had slipped away, replaced in the blink of an eye by the chill of deep autumn. A few young maidens were dragging brooms across the courtyard to sweep the fallen leaves, completely unaware that Lin Jinlou was watching them. As they worked, they chatted and laughed amongst themselves, one of them even humming a tune under her breath. Listening closely, he realized it was an aria from The Biography of the Orchid Hermit. Ever since the Empress Dowager had been moved to tears upon hearing the tale, and Lady Xia had gone out of her way to praise Xianglan's righteousness—even inadvertently revealing Lin Jinlou's wish to take Xianglan as his wife—the story had taken the capital by storm. The Empress Dowager had commanded Chen Xianglan to be summoned to the palace for an audience, only for the Lin family to report that Xianglan had already vanished without a trace, presumably having left in secret because she knew her humble origins made her unworthy of the Lin family lineage. Upon hearing this, the noble ladies in the imperial court had all sighed with a mixture of sorrow and lingering emotion, repeatedly calling for this specific opera to be performed. It wasn't because the melody was particularly enchanting, but rather because the events had unfolded in their very own dynasty, wrapped in a bizarre and poignant twist of fate.

Shuran stepped quietly into the room to refill the teapot, her eyes darting toward the sheepskin pouch hanging at Lin Jinlou's waist as she passed. She remembered that it was the very first pouch Xianglan had ever made for him; even though the tassels were now frayed and worn thin, he still refused to replace it. Remembering how Huashan had once whispered to her that Lin Jinlou kept the socks Xianglan had left unfinished right at his bedside, Shuran lowered her voice and said, "Eldest Young Master, are you waiting for the Mistress to come back and finish making those?" Shuran immediately scolded herself internally for speaking out of turn: It's not your place to meddle in your master's business. Yet deep down, a wave of profound emotion washed over her. During these past few months, their Eldest Young Master might have appeared outwardly calm, but she had never imagined that a man formerly so untamed and unrestrained could ever know the biting agony of lovesickness.