Against the Current - Chapter 314

Chapter 314 - Illness (Part 5)

Xianglan turned her head to look at the sparse rockery and planted red plum blossoms in the courtyard. Exhaling a puff of white vapor, she softly asked, "Why is the Marquis telling me this?"

Yuan Shaoren said, "It's just that this is my first time seeing Yingyang like this. He is actually a person who places great stock in sentiment and loyalty... Truth be told, I understand there are other reasons between the two of you, and as an outsider, I have no business meddling. It's just that I... I just..." He stammered for a moment before letting out a sigh. "I just think you are wonderful, and I hope you will fare well in the future." He lowered his gaze to see that Xianglan's porcelain-white face had been chilled to a faint blush, her clear eyes shifting as she met his gaze head-on. Yuan Shaoren felt a slight jolt in his chest and, looking away, said, "Just keep your own counsel. Everyone in the Lin family is as sharp as a razor. Seeing that Yingyang holds you in high regard and that your mother-in-law values you, you ought to plan carefully for your future. At the very least, you should consider what his future marriage will look like, and how your life will be managed... If things are truly difficult, it might be best to have Yingyang set up a separate residence for you outside."

Xianglan was startled. Grateful for Yuan Shaoren's kind intentions, she curtsied and said, "Thank you, Marquis, for your generous thoughts." She stood up, smiled, and said, "Over the past few years, my capacity has grown much broader than it used to be. No matter how the days turn out or how difficult things get, I have learned not to trouble myself with worry. Obstacles that once seemed completely insurmountable to me have slowly been let go of with time. When the heart is wide, the world is wide as well. As for what the future holds, I have no wish to dwell on it anymore. Even with all my overthinking and calculating a thousand times over, it can never withstand the fickleness of fate." Pausing for a moment, she asked, "Is De'er doing well?"

Yuan Shaoren had not expected Xianglan to ask about this. Thinking of his youngest son, a smile touched his face as he replied, "Him? The heartless little rascal eats and sleeps well, and he's doing just fine. He's grown a bit taller, too."

Xianglan smiled and nodded. Watching the birds alight in the courtyard, she reflected with emotion, "I always find myself wishing we could remain the age of De'er forever—free of worries and care... Yet we are always destined to grow into adulthood, weathering the wind and rain of a lifetime with all its ups and downs. Whether one lives as a humble servant, an official or prime minister, a wife and mother, or someone who achieves great honors—no matter how one lives out a lifetime, there are endless trials and tribulations. What is meant to be your tribulation cannot be avoided, and life's lessons must always be seen through to the end. The Marquis truly needn't fret over me."

Yuan Shaoren was taken aback, a ripple of emotion stirring within his heart. He cupped his fists in a salute and said, "I was in the wrong for forgetting you possessed such breadth of mind. Still, I hold your character in high regard. If you ever find yourself facing difficulties in the future, I will certainly do my utmost to help."

Xianglan curtsied once more and said, "The weather is cold and the wind is sharp, Marquis, so I must take my leave. Please take care of yourself as well." Yuan Shaoren returned the salute, and the two parted ways.

Xianglan stood in the courtyard for a short while. Lifting her gaze to the clear sky and pale clouds, she waited until a maid called out to her before slowly making her way back inside. To spare the tedious details, Tao Hongxun arrived shortly after, conversed with Lin Jinlou in the room for a while, and took his leave after sitting for half an hour.

Presently, Mother Wu and several maids and matrons entered carrying a uniform set of filigree-gold-inlaid multicolored large food boxes. Mother Wu said to Xianglan, "There is a family banquet underway at the old master's side. The old mistress originally intended to have you come over as well, but the mistress worried that the eldest master had no one devoted to tending to him, so she reported that you had been feeling somewhat unwell these past two days. She also quietly sent over a few dishes, two of which were bestowed upon you personally by the old mistress."

Xianglan expressed her gratitude, instructed Xiaojuan to hand out a reward of coins, and told Huashan to lift the lid of the food box. Inside were two dishes of food. Lingqing and Lingsu took them out one by one and placed them on the heated brick platform table. As usual, Xianglan first attended to Lin Jinlou, having him rinse his mouth with tea and propping the pillow behind him a bit higher. Though Lin Jinlou was recovering, his complexion remained sickly pale, and the flesh on his cheeks had wasted away entirely, making him appear exceptionally haggard. Xianglan let out a silent sigh. She felt as though the grievances and debts between her and Lin Jinlou were like a muddled, tangled ledger. She always longed to quickly settle everything and attain release, yet everything was a cycle of repaying debts and incurring them over and over. Entangled as they were to this day, she could no longer calculate whether she owed him or he owed her. Nor did she care to tally it up anymore; all her past resentment, grievances, gratitude, and warmth had melted into a blur of indistinguishable emotion. She simply let it be, wishing only for him to recover swiftly.

Yet Lin Jinlou seemed preoccupied. Ever since Tao Hongxun left, he had been absent-minded. After finishing his meal, he showed the rare docility of taking his medicine obediently and settled in quietly. Before long, Xianglan finished eating as well, had the maids clear away the remaining dishes, and went to the desk to assist Lin Jinlou with his official duties. Lin Jinlou only had Xianglan write a few calling cards to invite individuals on good terms with him to the estate, reply one by one to a handful of the most urgent letters, and instruct that they be handed over to Shuran before lying back down on the bed to stare blankly at the canopy overhead in a daze. Xianglan did not disturb him. She sat by the bedside reading for a while, quietly handling the trivial chores of the room, prompting Lin Jinlou to take his medicine once more, and tending to his wash. She hurried to freshen up briefly herself, and finally changed the dressing on his wound, noting that it looked somewhat better than the day before, which eased her mind a little. Just as she finished tidying up and intended to let down the bed curtains and blow out the lamp, Lin Jinlou seized her wrist and said, "Sleep here tonight."

Xianglan glanced toward the inner side of the bed. "How can I do that? Sleeping inside will make it inconvenient for me to get up; I'll just sleep on the couch outside so I can hear the moment the master calls."

Lin Jinlou said, "Just sleep here. I heard you had a nightmare last night and cried out—I heard it. Sleep here tonight, and I'll chase away any demons or evil spirits for you." Seeing her hesitate, he could not help urging, "Hurry up, don't drag your feet." Then, realizing his tone sounded wrong, he lowered his voice by two notes and added, "Hurry up and come up to sleep."

Left with no alternative, Xianglan blew out the outer lamp, lowered the bed curtains, and cautiously stepped over Lin Jinlou to the inner side of the bed, pulling the quilt over herself as she lay down. She did not sleep soundly through the first half of the night. Whenever Lin Jinlou shifted position in his sleep, the movement would pull at his wound and jolt him awake with pain, yet he would grit his teeth and force himself to stay silent. Only then did Xianglan suddenly understand why, whenever she bathed and dressed Lin Jinlou in the morning, his undergarments always felt damp to the touch—it was entirely cold sweat wrung out of him by pain. She quietly rose, threw on a coat, fetched a towel to wipe him down, placed a calming block of deep-star aloeswood into the lotus-shaped bronze censer, and set it by the head of the bed. Lin Jinlou rasped, "Go to sleep, don't mind me. It doesn't hurt that much."

Xianglan ignored him, took up the medicinal ointment, applied a fresh layer over his wound, and only then lay back down. Not daring to fall deeply asleep, she kept her ears perked at all times to catch Lin Jinlou's movements. Hearing that he had fallen quietly asleep, she rose stealthily, parted the bed curtains by a crack, and peered out by the dim light. Lin Jinlou was fast asleep, his features softened so that he looked younger and more boyish than when he was awake. Xianglan gazed at him for a long while, an unexplained ache stirring in her heart. She quietly lay back down, thinking to herself that she must simply be growing too sentimental; otherwise, why would her heart ache just seeing Lin Jinlou lying abed and wracked with pain?

Clasping the quilt around her, she let her mind wander. In her hazy, half-asleep state, she seemed to wander once more into the dense forest, raising a heavy blade to slash down toward Lu Shaotang's head. The man toppled forward without a sound, a feathered arrow piercing straight through his heart as blood gushed out in streams. Xianglan gave a start and cried out in terror, her mouth blurting out, "I didn't mean to kill you!" Amidst her panic, an arm wrapped around her, and a voice murmured beside her ear, "You didn't kill him. He was a criminal to begin with, and his death was well-deserved." Repeating it several times, the voice helped Xianglan snap back to lucidity, and she heard Lin Jinlou say, "You have never done anything wrong in your life. Even killing someone was to save me; let this debt of a life rest upon me alone, it has nothing to do with you..." He fought back the pain of pulling his wound, trembling slightly all over, before suddenly lowering his head to kiss Xianglan's temple. Xianglan nestled close to his side without moving a muscle, closed her eyes, and let a single tear roll down.