Against the Current - Chapter 271

Chapter 271 - Proximity and Distance (Part 1)

Xianglan let out a soft sigh. Originally, she hadn't felt any particular fondness for Lin Dongxiu, but ever since the two of them had learned to coexist peacefully, she had gradually realized that Lin Dongxiu's heart wasn't truly malicious. Now, knowing that Lin Dongxiu was about to marry the Marquis of Yongchang and become Deger's legal stepmother, Xianglan felt a special sense of worry and couldn't help but say a little more. Given Lin Dongxiu's narrowness of spirit... Xianglan shook her head. A relationship of "loving stepmother and filial son" between her and Deger was utterly out of the question; if she could simply treat him with basic kindness, people would already be chanting Amitabha in gratitude.

While Xianglan was lost in anxious thoughts, she suddenly heard Mother Xia calling her name and hurried over. Mother Xia beckoned for Xianglan to sit beside her, took her hand, and examined her closely for a moment before smiling at Fangfei and saying, "She truly has a lovely appearance, and it's rare to find someone so well-read and sensible to boot."

Fangfei smiled and agreed, "Indeed. I've heard the maidservants and old women in the Lin household all say that the concubine in the Eldest Master's chambers has a wonderful character."

Mother Xia asked Xianglan, "At what age did you enter the mansion?" She then inquired, "Were you born a servant of the Lin family, or were you purchased? Where are your parents? How old are you this year?"

Xianglan answered each question in turn. Hearing that Xianglan had been an indentured family servant and learning that she had once been struck off the household registry only to re-enter the Lin family later, Mother Xia let out a long sigh and gently patted the back of Xianglan's hand.

Meanwhile, after calling Lin Dongxiu outside, Lin Jinlou stood at the doorway, pulled the room curtain open by a crack, and pointed at Deger, who was playing with a small wooden sword on the arhat bed. "This little fellow is old Yuan's apple of his eye. Why don't you go over and coax him a bit? If you treat him well, old Yuan certainly won't treat you poorly." With that, he felt around in his waist pouch, fished out a gold ingot carved with auspicious symbols, handed it to her, and said, "Give this to Deger and hang it around his neck. Children always run their mouths to others, and old Yuan will find out in no time."

Twisting her handkerchief in reluctance, Lin Dongxiu remembered the words Xianglan had spoken to her earlier—about "cultivating good karma" and "being willing to suffer small losses." Stepping back into the room, she seated herself beside Deger and began chatting with him in a warm, engaging manner.

After keeping Deger company in play for a little while, Lin Dongxiu took her leave and returned with Mother Xia. The maidservants came in to clear away the previous cups and tea sets. Having only recently recovered from his illness and having made quite a fuss a moment ago, Deger was now thoroughly exhausted. Xianglan ordered a bowl of porridge brought in, fed it to him herself, settled him onto the bed inside the gauze partition, and administered a medicinal pill before letting his wet nurse soothe him to sleep.

Xianglan sat by the edge of the bed, staring at his small face for a long time. Her heart felt a mix of tender softness and aching bitterness. Sometimes she felt as though her memories of her past life had grown blurred—those days of brocades blooming like flowers, oil sizzling over roaring fires, garments of silk and jade, and refined literary elegance all felt like an old dream that came without a shadow and left without a trace. Yet seeing Deger again today brought back vivid memories of the days spent with Jialien making hairpins, playing with grass, and composing poems together. Xianglan quietly felt her eyes redden, and she muttered to herself, "Sister, what on earth caused you to die? Now we can't even meet one another in this present life." She raised her head and looked out the window, where slender green bamboos swayed in the courtyard. Over the past two or three years, she had tasted at least half of the myriad flavors of human existence. She had indulged in self-pity, basked in tender romance, and frozen into utter despair. Later, when Lin Jinlou brought her to the capital, she had one day sat beneath a gentle breeze, tilting her head up to gaze at the bright moon in the sky while listening to the sounds of nature, and her mind had suddenly grown completely clear.

In truth, heaven had not treated her unfairly after all. Having weathered so many trials and tribulations, her life was genuinely growing better step by step. Originally, she had been a lowly maid whose fate was as cheap as grass; she could not even control her own tears or laughter, and she suffered endless criticism and bullying. Her parents had lived in grinding poverty back home, forced to count every copper even for needles and thread. Now, her entire family had been struck off the servant registry, bought property and land, and her father had become a respectable manager—their household could even afford to employ servants and maids. Thinking of this, the insults and grievances she used to endure were cut in half. Furthermore, she was now living the most lavish life imaginable within the Lin household, with people attending to her every move, while Lin Jinlou treated her far more gently than he once had. Though she still remained trembling and walking on thin ice within her heart, she felt deeply grateful, even if this sort of life wasn't what she truly desired.

Since things were as they were, she would gather her spirits and live each day as it came. Fate was capricious and unpredictable, and no one knew where it might push a person next. The only thing she could do was wait quietly, struggle to survive, and make her life a little more bearable. Sometimes she felt so worn down by exhaustion that she neared despair, but she still gritted her teeth and endured. She knew that Jiang Xiyun was the daughter-in-law favored by Madam Qin—an exceptionally clever and sharp-witted young woman. Perhaps in the future, once Lin Jinlou married her and she captured her husband's heart, she might grow wary of Xianglan and arrange to banish her outside the main estate?

While Xianglan was lost in these chaotic musings, she failed to notice Lin Jinlou walk in and stand quietly behind her. He looked down at Deger as well, then frowned and said, "What is there to look at with this brat? If you like children so much, why don't we just have one of our own?"

Turning her back to him without a word, Xianglan smoothed the small quilt over Deger. Lin Jinlou reached out to tug at her arm. "Alright, stop staring. Let's go eat; I'm starving to death." He led Xianglan out to the outer room, where a heated kang table had already been set up with dishes laid out. Lin Jinlou had Xianglan sit beside him on the inner part of the kang. After they washed their hands, Lin Jinlou told a servant to bring a pot of wine, pointed to the cups before them, and said to Xianglan, "Aren't you going to pour a cup for your master?"

Xianglan picked up the ewer and poured a cup for Lin Jinlou. He prompted her, "You should have a cup with me, too."

"I'll substitute tea for wine."

"Last night you told me you wanted to see Deger, and today I brought him right to you. For that alone, it wouldn't be proper if you didn't toast me a cup, would it?"

"...Oh." Xianglan had no choice but to pour a cup for herself and offer a toast to Lin Jinlou.

Lin Jinlou asked, "Do you really like Deger that much? Hm?"

Dropping her gaze, Xianglan replied, "I like all children. I like Yong'er as well—did the Eldest Master forget?"

Lin Jinlou rubbed his chin and said, "That's not right. The way you look at Deger is different, as if he were your own flesh and blood... What kind of ties do you have with the Shen family?"

Xianglan's heart skipped a beat. She forced a smile and said, "What ties could I possibly have with the Shen family? If you hadn't brought them up, I wouldn't even have known such a family existed."

Lin Jinlou set down his chopsticks, fell silent, and looked at her sideways through narrowed eyes. Beads of sweat broke out on Xianglan's palms. Lowering her head, she picked up a piece of tender bamboo shoot and placed it in Lin Jinlou's bowl, saying softly, "This is tender; it helps clear heat and reduce inner fire." She stole a glance at him, only to find him staring right back at her with startlingly bright eyes.

Left with no other choice, Xianglan buried her head in her food. Suddenly, she heard Lin Jinlou say, "Earlier you were talking about zither, chess, calligraphy, and painting with such fluent eloquence—was all that taught to you by your master, Abbot Dingyi?"

"...Yes."

Lin Jinlou picked up his chopsticks again, ate the piece of tender bamboo shoot, and remarked, "Then your master must be an extraordinary person. With the speech you gave just now, can you guess what Fourth Cousin and the others were saying outside? They said you were showing off your talents and acting arrogant."

Xianglan was taken aback. Her overwhelming eagerness to see Deger had made her want to pour out everything she knew to him. Hearing Lin Jinlou's words, she simply smiled faintly and said, "Then let's just say I was showing off my talents."

Lin Jinlou pinched her cheek. "Tsh, sometimes I feel like you're made of dough, letting anyone knead and flatten you however they please; but other times, you're like a stubborn, stinking rock that makes people's teeth ache." He picked out another piece of food for her and continued, "Actually, the things you said—those who understand will naturally understand and find their own enlightenment within; those who don't understand could spend a whole day listening and still think it's nothing more than empty preaching, nothing worth hearing. Just like that 'spiritual realm' you mentioned: if a person's realm doesn't reach that level, whatever you tell them is just empty nonsense. Even if you showed them the Orchid Pavilion Preface, they'd still think it was just meaningless ghost scrawls."

Xianglan opened her bright eyes to look at Lin Jinlou. Unable to hold it in any longer, she asked, "Do you understand it, then?" The moment the words left her mouth, she instantly regretted them. She quickly lowered her head and pretended to pour wine for Lin Jinlou to gloss over her slip-up.

Lin Jinlou glared at her. "Nonsense! How could your master not understand?" Seeing Xianglan look at him skeptically, he felt somewhat irritated. He put down his chopsticks and said, "Our grandfather served as the Chancellor of the Imperial Academy, and everyone who visited our household was a great Confucian scholar. When I first started my education, I was taught directly by the Emperor's tutors. The Six Arts were compulsory subjects, and you'd get hit with the paddle if you didn't learn them well. I received top marks on every single evaluation."

Xianglan curled her lips in a slight sneer. Lin Jinlou challenged her, "You don't believe me? In a little while, once you sit properly, I'll paint a beauty for you to see." He paused for a moment before adding, "I heard from Fourth Sister that Tan gave you a hard time and made you lose face again today, and Fourth Cousin took quiet jabs at you as well. Next time, don't be so timid and soft-hearted. Whenever anyone bullies you, just strike right back. I remember your little tongue is quite sharp—when you were making me angry back then, it was like a knife. How come you turn mute when people take advantage of you like this?" With that, he placed another helping of food in her bowl and muttered, "Lately you've started chanting Buddhist scriptures again. Being pious is fine, but don't turn yourself into an old woman on the verge of the grave. Why on earth do you love reading that sort of stuff?"

Xianglan looked at Lin Jinlou, thinking to herself that a man full of greed, anger, ignorance, arrogance, and doubt like him was the one who truly needed to read the Buddhist scriptures carefully. Daring not to voice her thoughts aloud, she instead said, "There is great wisdom contained within the Buddhist scriptures; the Eldest Master ought to read them as well."

"What time would I have to look at those?"

Xianglan continued, "Human life is filled with endless afflictions and the suffering of unfulfilled desires. Birth, old age, disease, and death are things no one can escape. The silver, power, status, and romance that people clutch so desperately to their chests—when you think about it sometimes, they are nothing more than an impermanent dream. In your past life, you might have been a master of high status living amidst brocades and fine food; in your next life, you could easily become a lowly servant ordered around by others. A couple deeply devoted to each other in this life might well become complete strangers in the next. Sometimes I wonder how far apart life and death really are—in truth, it is merely between a single breath. How far apart are good and evil? Only a single thought. How far apart are ancient and modern times? Merely a matter of laughter and conversation. The things we struggle over so bitterly and refuse to let go of, the things we torment ourselves over unto life and death—in reality, they all stem from a single thought. Yet to truly achieve sudden enlightenment and let go is profoundly difficult. That is why one must read the Buddhist scriptures and contemplate the great wisdom within them, so that the human heart becomes pure, allowing one to face even the most disagreeable things in the mortal world with absolute tranquility."

Lin Jinlou watched her. Remembering how she had spoken with such effortless eloquence earlier, glowing with a natural radiance, he felt as if his heart had been stuffed full of a warm hand-warmer—not only warm and hot, but filled with an indescribable, intensely restless sensation.

At that moment, as lanterns were just being lit across the estate, Xianglan's face was bathed in a soft, gentle candlelight. Instead of looking at him, her eyes were fixed on a piece of calligraphy hanging on the wall, her gaze distant and misty, as though she could genuinely perceive that illusory past life. Lin Jinlou had never seen Xianglan look like this before. He had seen her stubborn, weeping, silent, and smiling, but he had never seen her expression so sorrowful, her words carrying such worldly vicissitudes, nor had he ever seen her appear so fragile.

He wanted to reach out, pull Xianglan into his arms, and pat her back, yet for some reason, it felt as though a seed about to burst through the earth had taken root in his heart, leaving him completely frozen in place.