The Early Spring - Chapter 83

Chapter 83 - Evening Breeze

By Friday, Shang Zhitao's period arrived.

She breathed a sigh of relief, though she couldn't say why. She hadn't realized that she had developed a subtle resistance to going to Luan Nian's place.

While accompanying Lumi to buy coffee, they ran into Luan Nian in the shop, discussing business. After greeting him, Lumi turned to Shang Zhitao and whispered, "He won't think we're slacking off again, will he?"

"Aren't we slacking off?" Shang Zhitao's eyes fluttered. Lumi reached out and covered her mouth. "You really are my ancestor—keep your voice down! Still getting an iced Americano?"

Shang Zhitao shook her head. "No, it's not convenient for me today." When she said this, her voice was slightly louder than usual, reaching just the right volume for others to hear. She wanted Luan Nian to hear it, the subtext being: I won't be going to your place today.

"Oh, oh, oh." Lumi nodded twice and asked, "Where are you going this weekend?"

"Going out with my roommates."

"Where to?"

"Mount Wutai."

"Good grief."

Lumi took the coffees and handed Shang Zhitao a hot one. "Every day it's either work or play. When are you going to find a boyfriend? You're twenty-five, right?"

"Ah... isn't twenty-five still young? Grace said she didn't get married until thirty."

"That's true. But you still need to date for a few years, don't you? That buddy of mine I mentioned to you two years ago is still single. How about this—let's have dinner together tonight?"

Shang Zhitao wanted to refuse, but she suddenly remembered Luan Nian saying that day: I'm going on a date, with Teacher Gong Yue. Ever since that day, they had hardly spoken a word outside of work matters. She knew Luan Nian was waiting for her to yield, waiting for her to run back to his house meekly over the weekend. Then, just like before, she would remain obedient, and he would remain in control.

"Sure."

"Settled then! I'll set it up right now!" As the two walked out of the coffee shop, Lumi glanced back inside and suddenly blurted out to Shang Zhitao, "Holy shit, look—is Luke glaring at me?"

Shang Zhitao looked in. Luan Nian was talking to someone, resting his arm casually on the sofa in a relaxed posture, not looking at them at all.

"Are you just feeling guilty about slacking off...?" Shang Zhitao teased her.

"Was it a hallucination? Am I blind?" Lumi muttered to herself.

Shang Zhitao carefully composed a message and sent it to Luan Nian: My body is uncomfortable, so I won't be coming to your place this week. Sensing the tone sounded a bit stiff, as if she were challenging him, she modified it to: My body is uncomfortable, so I won't be coming to your place this week! Luan Nian did not reply.

That evening, she really did go out for dinner with Lumi. Lumi's childhood friend was just as much of a chatterbox as she was. As for his looks, he appeared quite wealthy, wearing various prayer beads wrapped around his wrist, a piece of top-grade jade on his neck, alongside lapis lazuli and beeswax amber—a flashy ensemble. It was only spring, yet he held a folding fan made of bamboo in his hand, looking quite amusing. The moment he sat down, he said to Shang Zhitao, "Girl, you've got a great figure."

Shang Zhitao had never met anyone who complimented a person's figure right off the bat, and her face instantly turned bright red. Seeing her blush, Lumi's friend was stunned. "Holy shit, how many years has it been since I've seen a girl blush like that right away?"

Lumi kicked him under the table. "Shut the hell up!" Turning to Shang Zhitao with an apologetic smile, she said, "He's just like this. He's not a bad guy, just has a annoying mouth. Don't mind him." After only a few bites, Lumi began to wonder what kind of mess her childhood friend had become—how had she never noticed it before? Deep down, she liked Shang Zhitao so much that she felt even her wealthy childhood friend wasn't good enough for her.

Shang Zhitao found them quite funny and giggled repeatedly. The meal was filled with laughter—Lumi kept hitting her friend, her friend kept begging for mercy, and Shang Zhitao kept trying to mediate with "It's fine, it's fine." After dinner, the friend said to Shang Zhitao with genuine candor, "Girl, to tell you the truth, I really like you. But I'm not settled down yet, and I'm afraid you'd suffer later on. If you..."

"Shut the hell up!" Lumi smacked him. "What do you mean 'if'? Take a leak and look at your own reflection! I haven't seen you for a year, and now you're talking non-stop nonsense! Get lost!" After scolding him, she pulled Shang Zhitao away.

Even after walking halfway around Houhai Lake, Lumi was still apologizing: "I'm really sorry, that was so embarrassing. He used to be different."

"It's really fine, I thought he was very entertaining. I laughed so much my stomach hurts." Walking arm in arm, Shang Zhitao finally remembered the matter of Kitty reporting her for taking bribes, so she asked Lumi for advice: "How should this be handled?"

"Then I might as well say she traded sex for power with the leadership! Whatever she says goes? How is that possible? What did Manager Wang say?"

"I called Manager Wang, but he didn't pick up."

"Didn't pick up?"

"No."

If Manager Wang didn't answer her call, there was likely an issue, but since Shang Zhitao acted uprightly and stood firm, she had nothing to fear. Lumi glanced at her, vaguely sensing that things weren't simple: "That bastard Kitty is definitely up to no good."

"I don't know."

"We'll take it one step at a time. If all else fails, you can go to Luke. He's your boss now, so if someone in his department is framed, he should take care of it, shouldn't he?"

Shang Zhitao remained silent. She didn't tell Lumi that she felt Luan Nian didn't trust her. The fact that Luan Nian lacked trust in her hurt more than any previous incident, making her feel suffocated whenever she thought about it.

She didn't understand why she felt compelled to seek Luan Nian's approval. Was his approval really that important?

Late at night, in the depths of a spring evening, she stared blankly at the shadows of the moon and clouds outside. She suddenly realized that despite claiming she acted with integrity and didn't care about being reported, she had still quietly taken it to heart.

Although she felt a touch of fear and endured much distress, she still didn't want to ask Luan Nian for help. She felt it would be entirely meaningless.

When they set out early the next morning, dark circles were still visible under her eyes. Zhang Lei drove over to pick them up. He had been promoted again and had switched to a large off-road vehicle. Four people and one dog—it seemed just like old times. They drove all the way toward Shanxi.

In those years, the highway was constantly under repair, with bumpy stretches every short distance. The group laughed and joked as the vehicle jolted along, while Luke barked from the trunk every now and then to join in the fun.

It was already evening when they arrived at Mount Wutai.

Accompanied by the scent of incense and candles, they enjoyed a vegetarian meal and spent some time admiring the moon. Sun Yuanzhu carried his beloved camera, capturing human shadows under the moonlight. Four shadows sat side by side in the courtyard; none of them felt like sleeping, all eager to offer the first stick of incense the next day. It seemed everyone had many wishes.

Shang Zhitao had brought along two nut carvings she bought during a business trip to Suzhou, intending to have them blessed. As someone who hadn't believed in anything before, she had suddenly felt over the past few days that she was suffering bad luck this year, constantly wishing to find a way to stave it off—seeking peace of mind and smooth sailing.

The two nut carvings depicted remarkably adorable children—a boy and a girl. The boy was herding cattle, while the girl was reading. Hand-carved, each cost over a thousand yuan. She didn't know why she had taken a liking to these two trinkets, but in the end, she had bought them.

She hoped the monk performing the blessing would recite a few extra verses so the Buddha might hear.

"What will you pray for tomorrow when you burn incense?" Shang Zhitao asked Sun Yu.

Sun Yu pondered for a moment and said, "I'll pray for the person I love to live a long and healthy life, and for my career to go smoothly."

"What if you could only pray for one?"

"Then I'd pray for the person I love to live a long and healthy life."

Faint glimmers of tears appeared in Sun Yu's eyes, but as she lowered and raised her head, they vanished. Occasionally, she cast a glance at Sun Yuanzhu, a look containing things Shang Zhitao couldn't quite fathom.

"What about you?" Zhang Lei asked Shang Zhitao.

"I... pray for my career..." Shang Zhitao lied. What did she want to pray for? She wanted to pray for love.

After the others went inside to sleep, Shang Zhitao stood in the courtyard and called Luan Nian. It was somewhat noisy on Luan Nian's end, so Shang Zhitao asked him, "Where are you?"

"At the bar."

"Is there an event today?"

"Mm."

The late spring wind blew against her, attempting to wake her up. But Shang Zhitao was only twenty-five years old, an age driven by an urgent desire for answers. If something remained unclear, it would occupy her mind until she figured it out.

"Luan Nian, I have something I want to tell you."

"Hold on." Luan Nian walked out of the bar and stood in the parking lot in front of it, the late spring breeze blowing against him as well. He felt his heart beating slightly faster than usual, or perhaps it was just an illusion.

"Luan Nian, I have a lot I want to say to you. Let me start from the very beginning."

"I'm not a casual person. I've been in one real relationship. Before you, I never had a one-night stand with anyone, and after you, I haven't either."

"At the start, I couldn't see my own heart clearly. I didn't understand why I had that kind of beginning with you. As time passed, I gradually came to know you... I foolishly thought I understood you better than others did..."

"I started to feel unsatisfied. Luan Nian, I want to ask you..." Shang Zhitao stopped speaking. She actually had one last chance to say nothing, to keep playing dumb, and to continue weaving the dream that Luan Nian might love her just a little bit. But she couldn't anymore. Four years had passed, and if there were things she hadn't managed to wait for in four years, why would they ever arrive now? They wouldn't. Shang Zhitao didn't want this chance anymore.

"I want to ask you, can we date like a normal couple? Date, raise a dog together—I feel like you quite like Luke too—watch movies, eat meals, go shopping, cook together, and if possible, further down the road when the time is right, get married, and have a child or two..." These were all the scattered, beautiful imaginations she had held regarding Luan Nian over the years. She didn't dream often, but occasionally she had a dream or two like this. She truly liked Luan Nian, even more than she had liked Xin Zhaozhou. She liked him so much that she felt she would never like another man in her lifetime. She was so foolish.

Shang Zhitao finished speaking and waited quietly for Luan Nian to hand down his verdict. But Luan Nian remained silent. Not knowing what he was thinking, Shang Zhitao said, "Could you say something?"

Luan Nian finally spoke, saying, "I hope you can calm down. Because I don't plan on changing our current status, nor am I prepared to take a step further."

"Why? I thought that in our fourth year together, many things had changed. At least it would be deeper than at the start." Her voice and hands trembled slightly, though she was unaware of it.

"Things have changed, but not to the extent where I feel we should date and get married. You're still young, and you aren't resolute about anything. Even though you say you want to be with me now, tomorrow you'll still go to a blind date to meet different men. I'm not willing to date someone like that."

"I was only helping Sun Yu out."

"Is that so?" Luan Nian asked her. "Are you sure? You were only helping Sun Yu out, yet you went to blind dates every week; you only wanted to get along with friends, yet you shared an apartment with a man while keeping things ambiguous. Sorry, but I think we're better suited as friends with benefits."

Shang Zhitao said nothing, at a loss for words. Her sudden impulse just now had clearly been bringing humiliation upon herself. Realizing it so abruptly, Luan Nian's apparent care for her was nothing more than a grand illusion of her own making.

"I understand."

Shang Zhitao hung up the phone.

Everyone experiences a moment in life where they lose control completely and throw caution to the wind. It was good, though—the other shoe in her heart had finally dropped.

Luan Nian hung up and walked back into the bar. Tan Mian asked him, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"But you look like you're in a bad mood."

"My mood is fine."

The bar was lively, but sitting inside, he appeared somewhat distant. Gong Yue asked him, "Still not drinking today?"

"No."

"Then shall we take a walk together?"

"No."

Luan Nian stood up, unable to describe the feeling in his heart. He was neither afraid of rejecting people nor unskilled at it; several times a year, he would reject girls decisively and cleanly. He had never felt uncomfortable before. Today was the first time something felt blocked in his chest. He didn't want to be trapped by love. When any relationship grew closer, mutual restraint, possessiveness, and petty friction would begin, and Luan Nian disliked that. Although his feelings for Shang Zhitao were distinct, Luan Nian felt they weren't passionate enough to enter the stage of romantic love.

He was too arbitrary.

Calling others naive, he was the most naive one of all.

Shang Zhitao still asked the monk to perform a blessing on the two carved figurines—one for herself and one for Luan Nian. She didn't ask for much, only wishing that they would sleep peacefully and live smooth lives.

On the way down the mountain, a tree stood by the roadside, its branches extending outward, already showing the initial lushness of summer. Shang Zhitao tied the nut carving of the cattle-herding boy onto it. A thin ray of light peeked through the crevices of the carved lines, turning the boy's face bright red.

Just like the first awakening of love in a lifetime.

But those times would never come again.