The Early Spring - Chapter 108

Chapter 108 - City of Wounds

Shang Zhitao finally learned how the promotion results were notified.

She received an email that read: "Thank you very much for your high level of dedication to your work. We regret to inform you that you were unsuccessful in your promotion attempt this time. We believe that with your capabilities, you will definitely pass next time. Don't be discouraged!"

Such ordinary words.

Shang Zhitao didn't seem surprised at all; her heart was as still as dead water. Still, she clicked on the link in the email, which led to the performance evaluation comments alongside the anonymous scores from every judge. Across more than twenty parameters, the score comparison for each candidate was displayed above.

Her scores across all criteria were exceptional—except for two judges who gave her extremely low marks in creative ability and performance contribution.

Grace sent her a message: "Taotao, should I congratulate you?! I gave you very high marks! Tracy gave you high marks too! I just asked her!" Grace sent a screenshot of her evaluation, which matched one of the high scores almost identically.

Shang Zhitao knew who one of the harsh judges was, even though the evaluation was anonymous. After all, he had said to her countlessly times:

"Creative ability is mostly innate. Hard work alone might not bridge the gap."

"Your strength lies in project management, even team management. Creative work requires inspiration—don't make things hard on yourself."

"Is it really that difficult to admit you're not as good as others?"

Shang Zhitao thought to herself: I used six years of my life, yet I couldn't earn your respect or equal treatment. In the past, she had lacked this kind of courage because back then she had loved him so very much—loved him to the point of bowing her head time and time again, loved him to the point that even she found herself pitifully ridiculous.

Lumi happened to be working late that day. Seeing that Shang Zhitao hadn't left either, she asked, "Did the results come out?"

"They did."

"Did you make it?"

Shang Zhitao shook her head, closing her laptop. "Want to go for a drink?"

"Sure."

The two went to the small bistro they used to frequent. After drinking three taels of liquor, Shang Zhitao refused to drink any more. No matter how Lumi urged her, she simply shook her head.

"Have a bit more?"

"No, I still have important things to do."

A light snow began to fall as they stepped out of the tavern.

"Fuck. The snow in recent years keeps getting more and more pathetic. This is supposed to be a northern city—can't you dump it down harder for once?!"

Shang Zhitao burst out laughing softly. "How about coming to Harbin in the future? I'll show you the most beautiful snow in the world. The snow in Harbin falls heavily in big goose-feather flakes, turning your hair white in the blink of an eye."

"Why the fuck wait for the future? I'm buying a plane ticket right now and going tomorrow."

"Without taking leave?"

"To hell with taking leave! I've got plenty of cash! I do whatever the hell I want! Do I need to beg for leave?!"

"Did you get into a fight?"

"No. He's not worth it. Is a divorced old man worth me picking a fight over?"

"He's not that old, is he? Seems like he's a year younger than Luke."

Standing together waiting for a cab, the two chatted about how old a man had to be to count as "old," coming to no real conclusion. Shang Zhitao stepped into the taxi and gave the driver the address to Luan Nian's place.

This city was so noisy, the lights outside the car window flickering dimly, the pedestrians on the street hurrying along—yet she had nowhere to settle. Passing through an intersection, seeing the children who had just finished late-night self-study laughing and fooling around by the roadside, Shang Zhitao's emotions suddenly collapsed.

She cried uncontrollably.

The driver kept looking back at her through the mirror, finally unable to resist asking, "Miss, are you alright? Did something big happen? If you need to vent, talk to your uncle here—I've seen it all in my time."

Shang Zhitao couldn't say a word. It was merely a failure in a competitive review, that was all; it wasn't as if she had never lost before. It was clearly such a trivial matter, yet she couldn't get over it. Nor did she want to let it go. Crying silently, Shang Zhitao thought to herself: It was precisely because of my countless concessions in the past that things ended up like this today.

She stepped through the door of Luan Nian's home. Luke bounded up to greet her, while Luan Nian had just taken off his overcoat and was about to take a sip of water. Turning around, he saw Shang Zhitao, her face drenched in tears.

She had never cried in front of him—never once. No matter how sad she had been, she would bite her teeth tight and refuse to let herself cry. She looked wretched when she cried, her eyes swollen, the tip of her nose red, clearly having wept for a long time.

Luan Nian took a step forward. He wanted to hug her, wanted to tell her: It's alright, it was just an ordinary review. You're so capable, you'll definitely succeed next time. But instead, he heard her choke out: "Why did you give me such a low score?"

"The evaluation is anonymous. How do you know I gave you a low score?" How ridiculous. Shang Zhitao didn't even have the most fundamental trust in him.

"If not you, who else could it be?"

"Are you so sure you're outstanding enough that everyone would give you high marks across every dimension? Are you so sure those bullshit connections you maintain daily are actually reliable?"

Shang Zhitao didn't want to listen to Luan Nian's grand lectures. She shook her head. "I just want to ask—was it you?"

"If I say it wasn't, would you believe me?"

"No."

"Then isn't that the answer?"

"You will always harbor this prejudice against me! You think I'm incompetent! You think I have no talent! You'll never understand how to respect me, or see me as an equal! Why on earth did I stay with a person like you for six years?!"

"What kind of person am I?" Luan Nian retreated to his original spot, asking her coldly.

"An arrogant, conceited, and selfish person!"

Luke seemed slightly nervous. Sitting in front of Shang Zhitao, it looked back and forth between her and Luan Nian, before finally collapsing onto the floor in dejection.

"Shang Zhitao, I suggest you calm down."

"I can't calm down! Why the hell should I calm down?! I worked my ass off in this city for six years, only to end up with nothing! You're not me, so what right do you have to tell me to calm down?! Why should I calm down?!"

"Acting like this will make me think you're a sore loser."

A sore loser. Shang Zhitao was stung to the core by Luan Nian's unwavering demeanor. She didn't understand why he always had to stand so high above her, refusing to speak to her as an equal, why he always blamed her while failing to see that she needed his comfort.

Six years. Why had she used six years of her life waiting for such a person to awaken? He would never awaken, because he had never placed her on an equal footing to begin with.

Shang Zhitao had never cried before Luan Nian in the past, but today her tears flowed unabated. Even as her hands covered her face, the tears still spilled from between her fingers. She thought to herself: I'm so heartbroken, Luan Nian. I thought I could make it, but in the end I have nothing. This city is so vast, yet I have nothing. I lost my best friend, I lost a review I should have won, I won't have my own little home before thirty, and I have to keep drifting.

Luan Nian simply stood there, watching her cry.

In the years that followed, he would regret that day countlessly times—he should have hugged her, but he didn't. Shang Zhitao's words had stung him, because in her eyes, he was an arrogant, selfish man—and she wasn't wrong.

After a long, long time, Shang Zhitao finally wiped away her tears. She said to Luan Nian, "I want to end our relationship."

"End what? What relationship?"

"I want to end this dirty, ugly, sickening relationship between you and me."

Shang Zhitao enunciated every single word, her articulation crystal clear.

Dirty, ugly, sickening.

It felt as though something had struck Luan Nian's heart like a chisel, inflicting a sharp pain. He hadn't known it was like this before. During those days when they barely spoke, he had thought more than once that perhaps something was missing between them, but not to the point of breaking up. Given a little time, once she wasn't so heartbroken, everything would get better.

"You think your romantic relationship was dirty, ugly, and sickening?" Hands in his pockets, Luan Nian took a step back, looking at her coldly.

"No, we were never in a romantic relationship. I've never regarded you as my boyfriend." Shang Zhitao thought to herself that even during the time they were dating, she had never felt loved by him. She wasn't needed by him, wasn't trusted by him, wasn't understood by him; he always needed to lord over her.

"So you only stayed with me to pursue career success, is that it? But today you failed your promotion, so you feel I have no utility value left—is that it? Let me tell you, Shang Zhitao: failing your promotion was entirely your own fault. No one should have to pay the price for your failure."

"The reason I failed my promotion is that I slept with you for six years, and in the end, you didn't even give me a fair judgment!"

"Like you said, it was just six years of sleeping together. It could have been you, or it could have been anyone else. The score I gave you today is my fair judgment of you."

Shang Zhitao knew she would never look back. What she needed was precisely an impetus like this—a catalyst to leave him completely and never turn back. In the past, whenever she thought about leaving him, her heart would ache unbearably. There was a transparent thread stretching between them, invisible under normal circumstances, but whenever she took a step toward leaving him, that thread would pull her back.

Today, that thread snapped completely.

"Fine. Then let's end it here," Shang Zhitao said to Luan Nian.

"Suit yourself." Luan Nian draped himself in that familiar cloak of arrogance, refusing to bow his head.

Shang Zhitao looked at Luke, who seemed deeply unhappy, lying on the floor. It probably didn't know that it was about to leave this wealthy home. Turning around to look for the leash, she said to Luke, "Get up."

Luke looked bewilderedly at Luan Nian, then at her, remaining completely still as she slipped the harness over its body. Shang Zhitao secured the leash and turned to leave, only to hear Luan Nian speak: "Let me reiterate—I don't go back to past lovers. You're an adult. When you say it's over, don't ever try to start it up again."

"I will never look back."

Shang Zhitao pulled Luke toward the door, but Luke seemed to suddenly realize what was happening. It sat back on its haunches, refusing to follow her, letting out a soft whimper.

No matter how hard Shang Zhitao pulled, it wouldn't budge.

Her tears suddenly gushed out again. Squatting down, she said to Luke, "You can only choose one—either come with me or stay. If you stay, you'll never see me again."

Luan Nian turned his back to them. He didn't even realize that his fist was clenched so tightly, as if something sharp was piercing his heart—not heavily, yet stroke after stroke, inflicting a persistent sting of pain.

"Are you coming, Luke? You want to stay, don't you? Then stay."

Shang Zhitao released the leash, turned around, and stepped out of Luan Nian's home. Outside, the snow was falling a little harder. She heard the sound of the door opening, and Luke came running out, bounding up to her and offering its leash in its mouth.

Shang Zhitao squatted down to embrace it. Snow fell upon its fur, making its coat damp. Holding it tightly, she whispered, "Luke, start a new life with me, okay?"

Luke whimpered softly, turning its head to glance back toward Luan Nian's apartment.

Shang Zhitao didn't look back. Wiping away the tears on her face once more, she led Luke and walked outward.

The residential compound where Luan Nian lived was truly vast. It was snowing, and they walked very slowly. Along the way, Shang Zhitao thought she heard footsteps behind her; when she turned around, there was nothing behind them at all.

At the main gate stood the security guard who knew her well. Seeing her, he greeted her: "Walking the dog, Miss Shang?"

Shang Zhitao nodded. "Yes."

She led Luke out of the residential complex, as the buildings behind her receded farther and farther into the distance.

Until finally, they dissolved into a solitary speck amidst the snow.

Indistinct, and lost from sight.