Love in Red Dust - Chapter 84

Chapter 84

Gradually, the faint morning light began to peek through, illuminating the traditional Korean paper covering the window, casting a soft, hazy shimmer across the room.

In the distance, the faint sound of cymbals could be heard. At first, it was far off, but it gradually became clear, as if it were right at her ear. For a fleeting moment, she could not discern where she was. She opened her eyes to see the familiar furnishings and layout; she had not gone far—she was still in the alley of the Wine and Vinegar Bureau.

What must be faced still had to be faced. She had been dizzy and drifting in a daze for a while, finding a moment of reprieve, but as soon as she regained her senses, her heart tightened once again.

She took a breath and forced herself to prop her body up. A maid happened to be entering with tea and, seeing her, quickly signaled to someone outside before stepping forward to help her sit. Sha Tong entered with his hands hanging at his sides, bowing his head to glance upward cautiously. "Princess... has the eldest young lady awakened? How are you feeling right now?"

She touched her feverish forehead and shook her head, saying it was nothing.

Seeing that she intended to get off the kang, Sha Tong knelt on the footstool to help her put on her shoes. As he pulled the heels up, he said, "You are too tired and your constitution is weak; the imperial physician said you must rest more. Leave the matters outside to us servants. Please lie down a while longer in the room; if there is anything you cannot decide on, then you can summon me again."

She sighed. "With such a great burden, I cannot let go. Have someone prepare a bowl of ginseng soup; I need to drink it to collect my spirit."

Sha Tong did not immediately comply, standing before her and stammering, "Ginseng is heating in nature; you cannot drink it yet. This servant has prepared red date and snow fungus soup for you to moisten your lungs and dispel the agitation... and well, you must rest more and avoid toil, otherwise it will not be good for the little master."

A buzzing sound filled her brain. "What?"

Sha Tong offered a dry laugh. "You are not alone right now. If you will not consider yourself, you must consider the child. The Twelfth Master heard the diagnosis earlier and was overjoyed. He has gone to the Ministry of Justice office now, but he said you must be missing your master, so he is going out of his way to invite Master Wu to come and see you. Whatever weighs on your heart, you can ask for the old master’s advice."

Dingyi fell back into the bedding. At such a critical juncture, how could there be a child? She turned to her side, her heart feeling lost. Although she felt a glimmer of joy, the thought of Rujian lying on the wooden board made her chest turn to ice once more. She said, "Tong, I cannot keep this child. There is a trench in my heart; it is too deep, and I cannot cross it."

Sha Tong drooped his brows. "You are suffering, this servant knows. But you cannot consider harming the little master. This is your child and the Twelfth Master's. You two are joined in heart, and that is how he came to be—it has nothing to do with anyone else. The world outside is chaotic, let it be chaotic, but you must keep a Buddha in the center of your heart. You are kind; you must put yourself in the right place. The Twelfth Master and the little master, neither of them have provoked or wronged you. Your family's affairs, no matter how bitter or painful, do not bring them home. Although you and the Twelfth Master have not had the grand wedding, you are already more than husband and wife. Think about it—if it weren't for you, would the Twelfth Master suffer such grievances outside?" Sha Tong shook his head. "You don't know, but after Prince Zhuang was confined, the people in the imperial clan have had immense grievances against the Twelfth Master. If you treat him coldly here, he will be grieved to death. Just yesterday, someone sent a spirit tablet to the Prince Chun mansion with the Twelfth Master’s name written on it. You tell me, those wicked ghosts—because the Twelfth Master cut off their wealth, they wish they could kill him. He is struggling at every step in the court; do you not feel heartache for him?"

Dingyi was annoyed by his chatter, but she reflected on it herself. Rujian had not yet been buried, and she needed to preserve her strength to handle the affairs. Perhaps she should wait—wait until this hurdle was passed before deciding.

She reached out, took her mourning cap, and put it on. She lifted the curtain to look outside and saw the red clouds piling up in the east. She turned and ordered the eunuchs, "Clear a space by the funeral shed and move all those paper carts and horses inside, in case the weather changes later." Entering the mourning hall, she saw that the wine and dishes on the altar were the same as yesterday’s, and with a frown, she called for them to be cleared away and replaced with new ones.

Sha Tong stood by with a sorrowful expression. This master was unmoved by entreaties and stubborn, and with so many tasks, he truly feared she would damage her health. Just as he was worrying, someone entered the door. He focused his eyes and saw it was Wu Changgeng, so he quickly stepped up to cup his hands. "Master Wu, you have come..."

He wanted to say more, but a glare from Dingyi choked the words back. When she saw her master, before she could even speak, tears began to stream down her face.

"Alright, stop crying. I received word yesterday, but you are a woman of a household now. Without an invitation, I could not rashly come to see you." Wu Changgeng patted her shoulder. "Good child, you have suffered. There are many injustices in this world; try to look past them. I haven't seen you for days and you have become so haggard—your master’s heart aches. Now that I am here, I will share the burden. You do not need to worry about everything yourself. Your senior brother went to the Shuntien Prefecture to ask for leave; he will come back to help handle things. You should take some time to rest."

Her chin trembled. Due to her overwhelming grief, she could not stand steadily and had to be supported by two maids. She gestured toward the side room. "There is nothing busy in the morning; Master, go to the inner room and sit for a while. In any case, there are few relatives and friends, so there is no need to entertain. After the encoffinment tonight, my heart will settle."

Wu Changgeng turned back to look. "Still, have someone prepare a register for funeral gifts. Set up a table by the door. Since you have few relatives and friends, many court officials will come out of respect for the Twelfth Master. If we do not prepare early, we will be in a panic at the last minute." As he spoke, he went to the altar to light incense, offering a respectful sacrifice.

Her master was a man who could not stay idle, and once there, he would certainly not be willing to sit comfortably. He loved his disciple; if he could help, the burden on her shoulders would be a little lighter. The musicians were all the type to judge people by appearances; having received no schedule, they were all idly waiting for news. Wu Changgeng walked over and cupped his hands. "Brothers, do not wait any longer. The head of the mourning family is young and cannot attend to everything; everyone, please be understanding. It is almost the hour of the Dragon (7 AM – 9 AM), so let us begin the performance and get things moving!"

Dingyi stood under the eaves, listening as a suona took the lead. The sharp, high-pitched tone trembled its way up into the sky, and one after another, the others joined in, composing a heaven-shaking, sorrowful melody. She composed herself for a moment and turned to go inside. Rujian lay there; apart from being a bit pale, he looked no different than when he was alive.

She knelt on the cushion. There was an old folk custom that the initial encoffinment lasted for three days to guard against the possibility of the deceased coming back to life. For some reason, she kept feeling that Rujian was not dead—that he was just tired, had overslept, and might wake up at any moment. She stared blankly at him and whispered, "Third Brother, I am pregnant. My heart is a complete mess right now; this child has come at an unfortunate time. After what happened to you, how can I continue to live? Why don't you wake up? If you wake up, we will be whole again. If you are truly dead, I will never be well again."

Waiting in vain for an answer, she would often reach out to touch his hands, hoping to feel a trace of warmth, but she was met with disappointment every time. This was not a theatrical performance, so how could there be so many resurrections? She sat dejectedly, her tears already spent. It was an agonizing, heart-rending sorrow, yet she could not even cry.

The curtains swayed, and someone lifted the door hanging to enter. She looked up and saw it was Hailan. She felt a surge of anxiety, fearing she would be like yesterday, so she stood up and pulled her into the back room. Settling her down, she looked at her closely. She had stopped crying, but her complexion was poor. She sat beside her and whispered, "Sister-in-law, did your family allow you to come?"

Hailan lowered her eyes. "I had to give my word before they let me come. Don't worry about me; I am fine. It was chaotic yesterday, and I only cared about crying, so we didn't speak. Let us talk now."

Dingyi looked at her; her expression was heart-wrenching. The two sat facing each other, and in truth, there was so much to say, but they didn't know how to begin. After a moment of hesitation, she said, "Our siblings have wronged you in too many ways. I never expected things to turn out like this. For these past two days, I have constantly been thinking that if I hadn't been so clever and come to find you, you wouldn't have had to experience this pain all over again. I hoped you and my Third Brother could be reunited, but..."

Hailan shook her head. "Don't say that; no matter what, I am grateful to you. At least after waiting for more than a decade, I had the chance to see him again. Otherwise, I would have almost forgotten what he looked like." She spoke slowly, and a smile gradually climbed to the corners of her lips. "Actually, when I was waiting at the inn, I was very afraid—afraid I would see a burly, coarse man, afraid he was no longer the same person. Fortunately, heaven had mercy. When he entered the door, I immediately remembered the scenes of the past. He was blushing, just the same as when he was fifteen. You don't know how happy I was then. He was thin-skinned, and I was the one who hugged him first. He was awkward and shy, and I was the one who kissed him first. Thinking about it now, I was truly shameless, but I really liked him. I liked him from the moment he came to my house to propose, and I have liked him for thirteen years. Sometimes I asked myself—we had only met a few times, and we were so far apart—how could I keep thinking of him? Later, as I grew older, I realized that although our fate was shallow, that was my encounter. It was fated that I would wait for him for a lifetime. Now... I do not feel he is dead. He has just left again, gone to a very far place without bringing me, so I must continue to wait for him. Perhaps in another ten or twenty years, we will be able to see each other again."

Dingyi was moved to tears by her words. "You cannot wait any longer. If this goes on, when will it ever end? How many decades does a woman have to squander? You cannot spend them all on him. While you are still young, find a good family, have children, and forget him! The debts of the past can only be repaid in the next life; you cannot let him be unable to repay them in the next life."

Hailan said through tears, "That is exactly what I want—to make it impossible for him to repay so that he will have to spend double the time by my side. I cannot marry someone else. If I did, I would have to be buried with another person, and if he knew, he would let go. I must wait for him purely. When he comes, he will be too embarrassed to leave, so he will stay."

Dingyi gripped her hand tightly and asked tentatively, "Then he and you—did you ever..."

"No." She did not look embarrassed, only infinitely regretful. "If I had known, I should not have let myself be left with regrets. Thinking back now, perhaps his heart was never settled—perhaps he was prepared to sacrifice at every moment, which is why he had no intention of stepping over the line. Men and women are different. A woman can settle for the next best thing, but a man is too obsessive—obsessively terrifying. He does not care about life or death, nor does he care about those who love him."

Dingyi lowered her head. "It is still my fault. I led him back to the capital because I wanted to be with the Twelfth Master. Rujian wanted to fulfill my wish and help clear my name."

Hailan turned the tables and comforted her, speaking softly, "Do not blame yourself. He told me that his determination to seek revenge had never wavered. He was also waiting for an opportunity to use the Twelfth Master’s power to overturn the case for the Wen family. Otherwise, being unrelated and unknown, which Prince would take a case from a dozen years ago to heart?" She finished with a long sigh. "It is fate—fated that there would be this calamity. I just feel he suffered too much; he did not live a single day of happiness."

Some people live their lives free of worry, innocent and carefree, while others are perhaps soaked in brine for their entire lives. For those who have not been tempered by pain, the world is a bed of flowers. However, ease can remain unchanged, while suffering can be tasted in a thousand varieties. There is no fairness in the world. "Good things come to those who wait" is a beautiful wish, but it is just a wish, not an inevitability.

Dingyi stopped crying and asked her with eyes full of hope, "Sister-in-law, what are your plans for the future?"

Hailan calmly smoothed the skirt over her knees and said in a low voice, "I want to go to Huairou. There is a Red Shell Temple there, and the women of our family often went there to fulfill vows in previous years. I don't know any distant places, so I will just go there—become a nun and devote myself to practice, spending my life performing rites for his deliverance."

Dingyi said it would not do. "Do you want to make my Third Brother unable to rest in peace? You must be well; do not let him worry about you."

"If he were truly worried about me, he should come back." She endured for a long time before finally crying. "If he worries about me, why hasn't he come to me in a dream? He left so cleanly—how can he ever make it up to me?"

Her love was too profound, and her resentment was too great, yet she could not bear to hate him. Dingyi persisted in comforting her. "He was murdered; he himself did not want it to be this way. Perhaps he wanted to come to you in a dream, but he simply lacked the power to do so."

It was nothing more than the same old talk about new ghosts and old ones—aside from this, what else could one use to comfort oneself? The two looked at each other with tear-filled eyes, crying for a while before they stopped. Dingyi said, "Sister-in-law, are you really not going to marry?"

Hailan nodded. "A lifetime is only a few decades. Where could I ever meet someone like him again? I will not marry. It is shameful to say it, but who am I to speak? I haven't even crossed the threshold, yet I am already thinking of remaining a widow for him."

"Do not say that." Dingyi took her hand. "Your heart is sincere, but you do not have to become a nun. Once Third Brother's affairs are finished, I will send someone to buy a new property outside, and you can go there to clear your mind."

Hailan was somewhat surprised. "Why re-purchase a property? You and Prince Chun..."

"Do not mention him." She said bitterly, "I hate him. He promised to keep Third Brother safe, yet he let my Third Brother die miserably in prison. My heart is no longer big enough to be with him. Every time I see him, I think of Third Brother, and my heart feels as if it is being sliced by knives."

Hailan looked at her with melancholy. "Do not squander your own happiness. This matter has nothing to do with him; you cannot take your frustration out on him. My Rujian is gone, but you must cherish the person before you. Ultimately, one does not live for others; one lives for oneself." She stood up and cast a glance outside. "I am not leaving for these two days; I will stay here until he is buried. As for the road ahead, I have already decided it for myself, so do not try to persuade me further."

She offered a forced smile, one so painful that it made Dingyi feel even worse. When she tried to advise her again, Hailan raised her hand, signaling her to say no more.

She asked the servants for mourning clothes and put them on in the capacity of a widow. The women of the Banner families had strong wills, and the Su family members could only shake their heads, helpless to stop her.

Dingyi accompanied her toward the front courtyard. As they passed through the flower-arched gate, she saw Hongce standing on the veranda—unable to get close, yet unable to let go, watching her with a dejected expression. Her gaze did not linger on him for a single moment; she turned and walked into the mourning hall.