Love in Red Dust - Chapter 40

Chapter 40

"Are you still not coming out?" He looked at the tips of the shoes poking out from under the hay, feeling a dull ache in his chest. He waited a moment, but when she didn't stir, he assumed she wasn't ready to face him. In truth, when people interact, one doesn't always have to strike exactly at the heart of the matter. Though he couldn't hear with his ears, he possessed a perception more keen than most. Ever since they had met, she had never been truly honest with him, and his suspicions had not been baseless. From her every word, deed, and glance, he could guess most of it.

It was only because he truly cared that he was so mindful of her. He had been angry before, blaming her for keeping such a massive secret from him. But now, forget about seeing her—just seeing the tips of her shoes made all his resentment vanish. Her hardships were heartbreaking; she had endured so much, gritting her teeth and carrying on alone. She had been full of hope, only for it to be snatched away. He understood that feeling all too well.

He sighed, crouching down before her, separated only by a layer of withered grass. "When I was thirteen, I went to Khalkha. I couldn't get used to it at first and prayed every day for the Great Ying to recall me. My Imperial Father said that traveling in one's youth was meant to temper one's character, and that each person’s qualifications determined the length of their overseas posting. I always felt I wasn't any worse than my other brothers. I handled my duties in Khalkha with all my heart, but in those ten years, the court dispatched imperial envoys to inspect the area six times, and they never once brought a recall order. Time and again, I was filled with hope, and time and again, I was disappointed. In the end, even when I went deaf, no one thought of me. Later, I saw through it all: to live well, I had to rely on myself. I didn't need anyone's pity. Pity is but a fleeting moment; it cannot sustain you for a lifetime. I had to strive for myself and make them look at me with new eyes, so I never once thought about living in idleness. Some people can remain idle and still gain a reputation for being above fame and fortune; I could not. I ran about not for promotion or titles—like the Seventh Prince says, having reached this position, no matter how many merits I earn, I can't be the Emperor. I push myself so hard because I don't want people behind my back calling me 'a useless, worthless scrap'..." He gave a bitter laugh, brushed the snow off her instep, and said softly, "When one lives in this world, how can everything go as one wishes? There will always be hardships and obstacles you never expected. If you do as you've done—running away and hiding from people every time something happens—will that solve anything? There is no obstacle in this world that cannot be crossed. What does it mean to say that 'success depends on human effort'? Just muster your strength, leap, and you’ll be over it. When you look back, you’ll realize those 'hardships' were nothing at all."

He imitated her tone, keeping his words as light as possible, hoping she would see reason. But she remained as she was, the grass covering her shivering. He couldn't tell if she was crying, and his heart grew more uncertain. He reached out to pull at the grass and said anxiously, "I don't care about your origins, even if you are of the Wen family, it matters not. We live, we can choose what to eat and drink, but we cannot choose which family we are born into. Can hiding solve the problem? How long do you intend to hide? Even without your family, you still have me..." He thought about it; that didn't seem quite right, and fearing he might scare her, he added, "Just take me as your older brother. From now on, I will protect you. You are not alone."

He waited for a reaction, but there was none. She was stubborn to the core; if he left her to her own devices, she would likely spend the night in the mountains. Snow was still falling in swirling drifts. He went to pull away the hay, and though she resisted slightly, she finally let go.

By the light of the lantern, he saw that her lips were frozen purple. She sobbed and stammered, "Twelfth Prince, I... I have let you down..."

He said nothing, pulled her up, brushed away the lingering snowflakes, and wrapped her in his cloak. "It’s alright. Be good."

His voice swirled above her head. In such a predicament, having him by her side eased her suffering. She had cried for so long that her head felt light; she swayed, and he pulled her into his arms. He patted her back gently and said, "It’s all in the past; it will get better. You survived before, and you will surely survive the future."

The Twelfth Prince’s embrace was warm. She leaned against him, not giving a second thought to the proprieties between men and women. His scent enveloped her, seemingly existing in the deepest part of her memory—strange yet familiar. She nuzzled against his chest, burying her face there. She had never been this close to anyone, yet it felt as if this was where she belonged. It was unclear—something like fate. She had her own expectations, but a man as good as the Twelfth Prince... if she stayed too close, she would only drag him down. A Prince lowering his status to accommodate her was already her greatest fortune; how could she dare to ask for more?

She felt a longing, but she knew she had to be content. The embrace was fleeting; she pushed him away, took a large step back, knelt, and bowed deeply. "This servant has fooled you and the Seventh Prince for so long out of selfishness. Just now, the clerk checked the archives and said my brothers were all gone. I don't know if it's true or false..." Her throat choked up, and she could barely continue. After composing herself, she added, "Later, I will confess to the Seventh Prince. Whether he wishes to strike or punish me is entirely up to him. Even if he demands my life in atonement, I will accept it—who told me to be so incompetent? But before that, I beg the Twelfth Prince to grant me some leeway. Let me go to the A-ha camp. I must find them myself and ask the people who were with them. What if there is a hidden reason? What if my brothers escaped during the chaos? Perhaps Eunuch Tao just made up a story to finish the job, and they aren't dead at all, but are living somewhere else."

He naturally wanted to fulfill her wish. Since they were already here, if this matter wasn't resolved, it would forever be a knot in her heart, something she would never let go of, and she would never be able to live a good life. He pulled her up and tightened the cloak around her. "The Seventh Prince is still confused about this; do not speak to him unless it is the last resort. The fewer people who know, the better. Your family is gone, but you still have a life of your own. Continuing to go by the name of Mu Xiaoshu will be inconvenient in the future. I will think of a way to stabilize things. I will move your household registration to my merchant banner; that way, you’ll have a sense of security, and it will be easier to handle marriage and family matters in the future without any sudden mishaps."

Dingyi felt a bit awkward when marriage was mentioned. She hadn't considered such things, but thinking of her master, she felt that her previous mindset of disregarding life and death had been a great disservice to him. She had promised to be filial to him, yet if she died on Changbai Mountain, squandering her master’s hopes and efforts, wouldn't she be an ungrateful wretch?

"Thank you, Twelfth Prince." She performed a bow. "Someone like me doesn't dare think about the future. I'll just muddle through, taking it one day at a time. I am in your debt; no matter how well I plan, I might not be able to repay you, but I will know for the rest of my life that I owe you. You came to find me today, and my heart... how should I say it? Thank you for still thinking of me. Look at this ice and snow; I’ve caused you trouble once again."

She never forgot her station. Her earlier panic had been a momentary lapse; now that her mind was clear, she had no trouble navigating the necessary social niceties and polite distance.

Having spent months on the road together, they had spent plenty of time in each other's company, and Hong Ce knew her character. He felt compassion for her and intended to tell her his own thoughts, but the words died on his lips. She was still grieving, and to bring it up now would be inappropriate. Given her circumstances, no matter how much he called himself a Prince, if she wasn't willing, he would look like a bully. He would keep treating her with all his heart; she was no fool and would surely understand his intentions.

He smiled at himself. Back at the family banquet in the Changchun Garden, he had guarded against this day, and now it had indeed come to pass. He had always thought he would follow the same path as all the other imperial clansmen; he had never expected to encounter such a miraculous turn of events. He could almost foresee the obstacles to come, and he was prepared—once his mind was made up, he would spare no cost. Even if the path was circuitous, his original intent remained unchanged. In matters of the heart, he would certainly be someone she could rely on. No matter how bitter her past had been, with him in her future, she should see the end of her suffering.

He took her hand and said, "I will accompany you to look. We will ask clearly. Whether they are still there or not, once you know, you can set your heart at ease and look at things more openly. Living is not for others, but for yourself. If we can't find them, then you are no longer Wen Lu’s daughter. I will arrange a new identity for you. In the future, you will marry and have children, and all that happened before will be like a past life. Forget what should be forgotten!"

Dingyi looked up at him. Under the lantern light, his features were peaceful, conveying a message she understood but dared not confirm. Feeling flustered, she averted her eyes, but kept a tight grip on his hand. Their physical contact seemed to never be an overstep; it was like the spring breeze and the gentle rain, like a natural progression. Having her hand in his palm provided a sense of reliance.

He carried the lantern and walked ahead, turning back every few steps to check on her, feeling at ease only when he saw she was alright. Every time he looked back, his heart would flutter. The fox-fur cloak accentuated her face, delicate and clever. Confirming that she was a woman gave him a sense that the dust had finally settled. He always suspected she had something to say to him, and fearing he might miss it, he would ask every so often, "Did you call me?"

Dingyi shook her head, feeling increasingly shy as the questions continued. In these wild mountains, having him for company during her darkest hours was something she would surely be moved to tears by, even years later.

She cupped his hands with hers. "Are you cold? Let me have the cloak; I’m afraid you’ll catch a chill."

He said he wasn't cold. "A man like me won't freeze. As long as you are well, that is enough."

She didn't know how to thank him, so after a silence, she said, "Twelfth Prince, Mu Xiaoshu was the name my wet nurse gave me. She said it wasn't convenient for a girl to travel, so I had to be raised as a boy. I am of the Han-Military Banner, and my original name is Wen Dingyi. My mother had no other children after me; I am the youngest in the family."

When he had reopened the Wen Lu case, he had learned of the family situation, but her willingness to be honest still made him very happy. The corners of his lips curled up slightly. "I know. 'Determining by the timing, following the appropriateness'—it’s a good name that can be entered into the records."

"Entered into the records" was a conservative way of putting it. In his mind, entering the "Jade Genealogy" was his ultimate wish. He harbored a little secret and felt a sense of fulfillment and quiet joy, though she was unaware of it.

For two people who were equally reserved, these little hints and attempts were already enough. Their passion was not yet surging only because the time wasn't right; the seeds had been planted in their hearts, and they would bloom in the coming spring. Watching her under the lamp, the stubbornness was gone; her red lips were slightly pursed, and her face had softened. He asked softly, "Following the order of birth, that shouldn't be your name, right?"

"That’s right." She gave a crooked, bitter smile. "My parents miscalculated. If I had been a boy, the names would follow the line—Wen, Liang, Gong, Jian, Rang. I should have been named Wen Rurang. But when they saw I was a girl, the order was broken, so they just called me 'Dingyi'—it was just settling for less."

He smiled calmly. "A case of 'planting a willow unintentionally'—there's nothing bad about that. Only because you are a girl did the Wen family keep a root. If you were a boy, you wouldn't be alive today."

Raising a whole crowd of sons, only to end up exiled to a barren land where one's life was not one's own—fortunately, a daughter remained, living on with indomitable spirit, and he had encountered her. As the saying went, "Heaven will not let a blind sparrow starve." Yet, he sometimes felt insecure; his ears were an inconvenience, and no matter how high his status, he was a man with a disability, and he feared she might despise him.

He paused, and then asked hesitantly, "Every time you speak with me, do you find it exhausting?"

She looked at him. There was a flickering shimmer in his eyes, and something else that made her heart ache. She squeezed his hand and said, "How could I? In fact, I’m always worried that you’ll be the one who’s tired. I’m afraid that if I speak too quickly, you won't be able to see it clearly, and you’ll be too polite to correct me, and I won't even know it, causing you strain. Twelfth Prince, if I do anything poorly, you must tell me. Whether it’s speaking or doing things, if you find it unsatisfactory, I can change. I used to pretend to be a man, mixed entirely in the crowd of men—if someone were to look into it, it would be a stain for a girl. It is fortunate you do not look down on me, and even when I encountered trouble, you helped me..."

She sounded almost like she was pledging her loyalty. He quickly replied, "That was unavoidable; it is no stain. As long as your heart is right, anyone who gossips behind your back—I will hack them to pieces."

A woman could never resist a man saying such things, especially an extraordinary man like him. Once a person reaches a certain age, their thoughts differ from those of childhood; meeting the right person and feeling emotions is human nature. She still felt this way about him—even after her three brothers were gone, and after seeing the highs and lows of official life and the indifference of death, she held no resentment for anyone, least of all him.

As she listened, a smile slowly bloomed at the corners of her mouth. "You are a gentleman of integrity; you aren't one to go about 'hacking' people. With those words from you, I have... lived a life worth living."

Hong Ce recalled the moment and also felt embarrassed. He had never been so impatient before, and his words had been too crude, yet he didn't regret them. They walked and chatted, but he had to watch her lip movements, so their pace slowed. Deep in the night, walking in the wilderness, he was worried he wouldn't be able to protect her if his lack of hearing caused trouble, so he spoke no more, merely saying, "Walk quickly; we might arrive by dawn."

The torches flickered behind the trees like stars in the sky, becoming dim and unreachable in the distance.

Another group of men approached from the side path. The Seventh Prince, wrapped in a heavy cloak, was cursing: "We’ve run into a ghost-trap! There isn't even a single footprint—have we taken the wrong road? You’re all useless sacks of waste; I’m docking your pay for half a year when we get back. A bunch of freeloaders who don't earn their keep. Look at the Chun Prince's mansion, and then look at you! They say the paternal grandmother is better at bearing sons than the maternal grandmother, but our Xian Prince's mansion is just a nest of maternal grandmothers, raising a bunch of trash who only know how to eat and wait for death..."

The Seventh Prince’s booming voice echoed through the woods, carrying far. Then came his call: "Shu! Run all you want, but don't run into a wolf. Your little frame isn't worth eating; the wolves would probably cry if they saw you…”