Love For You - Chapter 41

Chapter 41: Miao Jing, I'm Leaving

During the first Christmas of Miao Jing’s freshman year, the school organized mixers and variety shows. She received many apples and small gifts.

December 24th, Christmas Eve, was Chen Yi’s twentieth birthday.

That was the last time she attempted to contact him. His number had long since become disconnected. Everything was quiet in Tengcheng, and everyone she could reach said that Brother Yi had gone out to hustle and pursue his own big career. Even Officer Zhou explained it this way, telling her not to worry and to focus on her studies.

Miao Jing calmly accepted this reality.

There had long been signs that they were going their separate ways. If two people lost the bond of living together, they were destined to be strangers without any common topics. Moreover, after everything that had been said previously, he had given her eighty thousand yuan in one go, enough that she wouldn't need to trouble him for the rest of her four years of college.

If you spoke well of him, he was actually righteous; if you spoke ill of him, he was heartless toward her. In any case, it meant the two of them no longer had any attachments, and each could happily forget the other and go on to live their own carefree lives.

Miao Jing lived her life earnestly. The ivory tower of a big city could be called a utopia, where anyone could find soil suitable for their own growth. She remained outstanding in university—beautiful, hardworking, aloof, low-key, and independent. She stayed at school during winter and summer breaks to study or find internships at companies. She was a very steady girl with a clear sense of purpose. She was well-liked at school and managed her life and studies with ease. Plus, given the ratio of more men than women in an engineering school, she couldn't hide her radiance, and she had no shortage of suitors.

Of course, one has to date in college. Among Miao Jing’s pursuers, there were many who tried to strike up conversations, made contact, or curried favor, and there were many eye-catching boys. Miao Jing remained unmoved. There was one guy from the sports academy—tall, handsome, manly, and wild, with sturdy muscles and a beautiful physique. He was dripping with hormones and had a gang of brothers behind him. The girls in her dorm all favored this one, but Miao Jing wasn't interested in that type; she found him unremarkable.

There was a sunny and cheerful boy in her department who had overlapping interests with Miao Jing in their major and clubs. He had politely shown his interest several times, only to be rejected by Miao Jing, yet he remained a gentleman. Like a boat passing over water leaving no trace, he continued to be her friend. Their way of getting along was very natural; he was a very fresh and straightforward person.

Chen Yi was like a stone that had sunk into the sea, hidden in its vast depths. Miao Jing’s connection to Tengcheng grew fainter and fainter. Her high school classmates gradually faded out of contact, and news from Tengcheng became scarcer until it stopped completely. If she didn't deliberately try to remember, Miao Jing felt she was gradually forgetting those memories—forgetting the sweltering little town and her past life.

Chen Yi spent those two years on the Yunnan border.

After Miao Jing left, he did indeed feel an unprecedented sense of ease and freedom. There was no dead weight, no burden; he didn't need to worry about someone at home, no one made him distracted or annoyed, and there was no need for arguments or cold wars. Even in front of Bo Zai and the rest of the brothers, he laughed more often, and everyone could see his contentment.

He sold his services to Zhang Shi and Zhai Fengmao, secretly acting as Zhou Kang’an’s informant. It was an operation code-named "708." The police wanted to use Zhai Fengmao as the spearhead to sweep up all the dark forces in Tengcheng in one go. Using a piece of demolished land in the center of Tengcheng as a pretext, they stirred up all sorts of big and small conflicts, finally instigating a massive struggle between the various gangs. Chen Yi stirred up quite a bit of trouble in the muddy water. Of course, Bo Zai’s leg was injured in an accident while following Chen Yi during that time.

Many dark forces fell after this riot, including the nightclub and Zhang Shi. Zhai Fengmao received news in advance and shed his skin like a cicada, fleeing to his base in the Golden Triangle. He had his old gang there, subordinates who had committed crimes and risked their lives for him in the early years, who were managing his arms and drug factories there.

With the big boss having fled, the operation fell short of success. Half of the guns and drugs in Tengcheng originated from Zhai Fengmao’s hands. Chen Yi had a profound talk with Zhou Kang’an; under the guise of being a fugitive, he ran off to the Golden Triangle to defect to Zhai Fengmao at this crucial moment.

Life was, of course, not easy. How could the cunning Zhai Fengmao trust Chen Yi? Several times, openly or secretly, he wanted to finish Chen Yi off. During that period, Chen Yi lived in darkness and despair. After several brushes with death, he survived by working in underground casinos, selling blood, and other bottom-of-the-barrel means. He eked out a bitter existence for over a year before finally being taken back under Zhai Fengmao’s wing to help guard the gate and run errands in exchange for a box lunch.

Chen Yi stayed under Zhai Fengmao for a year, keeping intermittent contact with Zhou Kang’an. Tengcheng and several parties of police conducted a joint raid and destroyed Zhai Fengmao’s lair. There had been storms of gunfire, and many people around Zhai Fengmao died. He hurriedly fled to Southeast Asia with two personal followers, and Chen Yi silently withdrew back to China.

By Miao Jing’s junior year, she had already grown accustomed to her new life.

Her clear, beautiful face had gradually shed the naivety of her teenage years, completely transforming into a young, bright urban girl. Her thinking also matured day by day. She balanced her classes and internships, while also taking time to improve herself—shopping for leisure, studying in the library, or going for sports and travel. It could be called a sunny, healthy, and carefree college life. Naturally, she also grew closer to that boy from her department, moving into a relationship that was more than friendship.

The ginkgo leaves on campus paved the ground, golden and rich like an oil painting. Coupled with the dazzling, brilliant sunshine, walking or cycling through them felt dreamy, beautiful, and profound. Every face on campus was full of vibrant life and beauty.

In such good time and sunshine, Miao Jing went to the sports field with her companion to play tennis. Her body was soft and slender; she wore a white sports dress, and even the simplest of appearances felt youthful and moving.

Chen Yi went to her school once.

It was late autumn, and he was thinly dressed, appearing to have come from the sweltering south. He was clad in a dirty, black outfit—a cheap T-shirt and jeans. His brows and eyes were a bit fierce and rebellious. He wore a dusty baseball cap and carried a tattered jacket in his hand. From his tall, upright back and his vigorous stride, one could tell he was a very handsome young man.

After circling the school, he looked from afar at the crowded sports field. At a glance, he saw that figure in the crowd. Under such brilliant sunshine, those young, energetic figures and carefree laughter—without even getting closer, he could perceive the purity and beauty of this life.

He sat in a secluded spot and watched for a while, feeling very calm. He also enjoyed this tourist-like visit. He smoked contentedly, and when he finished the cigarette, he stood up. His handsome brows furrowed slightly. He threw the butt on the ground, crushed it heavily with his foot, and looked up into the distance. Exhaling a puff of acrid smoke, he bid a silent farewell: "Miao Jing, I'm leaving."

No one knew that during those two-plus years of dark days, it was she who had kept him going.

Now, completely... no one needed anyone anymore.

He took a few long strides outward, then turned back, picked up the cigarette butt from the ground, tossed it into a roadside trash can, and walked to a quiet part of the school. With a stretch of his ape-like arms, he climbed the wall and flipped out of campus.

Chen Yi returned to Tengcheng and began to manage his new life.

When it snowed in winter, Miao Jing had her first boyfriend.

Saying "first" was easy, but she couldn't bring herself to utter the word "first love"—her initial and most ignorant affection had already been given to someone else.

Her boyfriend was the most perfect among all the boys who had pursued her. He was gentle and gentlemanly, keeping her period, birthday, and all sorts of anniversaries firmly in mind. From time to time, he gave her little surprises, combining romance and sentiment. He would properly take care of everything for her, and in bed, he was also very considerate and attentive to her feelings. The two had completed a hundred heart-fluttering little things in their relationship; he was a model of a boyfriend.

Her boyfriend taught Miao Jing what love was, how to love, and how to care for and look after the other person. She also loved the feeling of being surrounded by affection and could genuinely feel the sincerity of his intentions. She seemed to have fallen into the throes of a passionate relationship, experiencing a sudden, clear, yet clumsy heart-fluttering. She liked him more and more, and relied on him more and more.

Everything seemed perfect. Should she just live the rest of her life like this?

As their relationship grew more intimate, Miao Jing realized something was amiss when they began to integrate into each other’s lives.

Families with harmonious relationships nurture children with good characters. Her boyfriend had a very happy home and also had a younger sister in junior high. She could often hear him sharing fun family stories, greeting and thinking of his family members, and giving small gifts during holidays and anniversaries. It was a very warm and enviable family.

When chatting, it was inevitable that they would talk about her family situation and life experiences. Miao Jing could be intimate with him, yet she couldn't bring herself to talk about her past. She didn't want anyone to know, didn't want anyone to understand or intervene in her past. She only wanted to let the past become a secret that she kept to herself.

When her boyfriend chatted with his sister over video or phone, hearing the girl call out "Brother" happily and joyfully, she would easily fall into a trance. She would feel heartache, irritability, and the urge to hide. When the family indirectly made contact with their son’s girlfriend and expressed their goodwill to Miao Jing, she would feel nervous and at a loss, completely unable to express her own emotions.

Miao Jing also didn't like to date frequently. Her living expenses and tuition mainly relied on her scholarships and work income. Unless it was an emergency, she was unwilling to touch the money in that bank card, let alone use it to go out for food, drink, fun, travel, or dates. Every time she saw the numbers on the ATM, she subconsciously wanted to flee.

When staying the night with her boyfriend, tangled in intimacy and lingering affection, she could fully experience the tenderness and beauty, but occasionally, in a muddled state, she would want him to be a bit tougher. She wanted him to hold her from behind while talking and kissing, wanted the acrid, strong smell of tobacco to pass between their lips and tongues, wanted the feeling of an electric fan blowing, covered in sweat and exhausted.

Clearly, a long time had passed. Clearly, she had never mentioned Chen Yi to anyone.

It wasn't that she didn't think of him. Every time she imagined it, she would simulate a scene in her mind—the first moment of their reunion. The time, occasion, and reason could change infinitely. They could be strangers brushing past each other, or standing still to talk, saying what words, with what expressions and actions, and who else was around. It was as detailed and minute as a freeze-frame shot in a movie.

After being together for a long time, her boyfriend would also feel that beneath her gentle, aloof shell, there was coldness, estrangement, and awkwardness. She was unwilling to open herself up to him; he didn't understand her at all.

During the Spring Festival, Miao Jing made up her mind to go back to her boyfriend’s home to celebrate the New Year. Truly encountering the enthusiasm she couldn't handle and the enviable harmony of this family, watching the daily interaction between her boyfriend and his sister, she suddenly felt the urge to retreat. She didn't like noise, didn't like the intimacy of family, and didn't like this life atmosphere that gave her such a strong sense of contrast.

She would occasionally miss that lonely home. She was cooking in the kitchen while he was fixing a chair in the dining room. She was standing on a ladder changing a light tube while he was unhappy and shouted at her to come down. They were huddled on the sofa eating cake and watching movies. She cooked him very salty noodles, she argued with him coldly, and she saw his furious yet helpless appearance.

She had a brother, too, who was sometimes good and sometimes bad to her. They depended on each other for survival. He taught her how to make money, took her out for joyrides on a motorcycle, broke his leg working odd jobs to earn her tuition, picked her up at the school gate after evening self-study, attended parent-teacher meetings for her, and she sat in the crook of his arm kissing him on nights of pouring rain. He would hug her by the river and peck her cheek, giving her very vague feelings and deep physical intimacy. He bullied her, blocked her at the school gate, left her alone at home to fend for herself, kicked her out of the house, forgot her birthday, ignored her college entrance exam, and always shouted at her to get lost, until he completely lost contact with her.

It seemed like a belated case of malaria, with recurring bouts of intermittent chills and high fever. She relied on her own immunity to resist the symptoms, but it was hard to get rid of. Just when she was gradually recovering, it would suddenly worsen again, with no way to be completely cured.

After that Spring Festival, she suggested breaking up with her boyfriend.

Deep within her body, there was always a voice summoning her, calling her back, calling her to turn around and look.

Miao Jing attributed these symptoms to being too young and immature, having experienced too few people and events. As a senior graduating, looking for a job, and truly stepping into the colorful world, she had a job and salary that made people envious, and she came into contact with more outstanding people and all kinds of bizarre and complex stories.

Perhaps the satisfaction brought by designer fashion and luxury handbags was only equivalent to her picking up a dress from a roadside stall by the side of the road, while someone next to her arched his thick brows and said lazily that she looked best in this color. She put on the dress, hopped on his motorcycle, and toured the city. Perhaps at a high-end banquet filled with the scent of clothes and shadows, the exquisite food and wine were only equivalent to the boiled noodles she had eaten for half a month, the braised beef and big chicken legs he had brought back from the deli. When she took a document to sign from the pen of an impeccably dressed, high-spirited elite, she saw the letters C.Y. and subconsciously read it as Chen Yi.

She found a more outstanding, charming, and likable boyfriend. She felt she would surely love Cen Ye madly, sinking into it without being able to pull herself out, having a passion and romance that ignited at a touch and worldly achievements that were satisfying. But even then, while lost in passion, she would hold the man’s body, obsessively and affectionately sucking on the tobacco scent on his lips.

"You seem to like the smell of smoke?"

No.

She just liked that person.

She already had such a good present; why would she still think of that messy and entangled past?

Return to Tengcheng.

Either go back and sink again, or go back and make a clean break.

Miao Jing thought about it over and over, simulated it over and over, and assumed the story’s direction over and over. For this, she specifically spent money to find someone to check some of his information. He was still in Tengcheng, and there was no marriage record.

Stepping off the train onto the land of Tengcheng, the familiar scent of the city and the humid heat waves brought her back to several years ago. She had spent those calm, numb, and painful days on this land.

Returning to her former home and prying open that door, Miao Jing had already envisioned all the endings.

Digging out her old items from her room, she held them and wept for a long time.

"Back?"

"Want some chicken soup? I'll serve a bowl for you."

She smiled gently.