The Early Spring - Chapter 31

Chapter 31 - A Heartless Man

Shang Zhitao woke up in the immensely comfortable bed at Luan Nian’s place. Watching the sliver of sunlight filtering through the curtains, she guessed it was probably already past noon. She dazed out for a moment, then dragged herself up and went to the bathroom. She sat on the toilet for a long time, but achieved nothing. In the end, she simply wasn't used to it. She silently commended her own bladder—what a grand, reliable bladder. After washing her face, rinsing her mouth, and throwing on her clothes, she made the bed, left a brief note on the pillow, and crept lightly out the door.

She hadn't taken out her contact lenses last night, so her eyes felt dry and raw now, making her afraid to even blink. As the wind blew against her face, she blinked cautiously, terrified her contacts might pop out, standing by the entrance of Luan Nian’s residential complex to hail a cab. The neighborhood security guard cast secretive glances at her, thinking this girl didn't look like someone in a "special profession," yet residents in this upscale community would never walk out to the main gate to hail a taxi on their own. Shang Zhitao gave the guard a friendly smile.

The autumn afternoon sunshine was gentle and clear, thoroughly pleasant—except for the wind. Why did Beijing’s autumns have to come with such unrelenting wind? Watching the roadside trees sway unsteadily in the breeze, she thought of herself clinging to Luan Nian’s body, just like a tree struggling to stand firm.

Xin Zhaozhou had brought her pleasure, too, but the pleasure they each offered was entirely different. Xin Zhaozhou was always asking: Is it like this? Here? Does this feel good? He cared about her feelings every second. Luan Nian didn't. He never asked; he took complete control, not even bothering to be gentle, yet he drove her wild.

Shang Zhitao felt she was strange. She had expected to be wracked with guilt—condemning herself with thoughts like How could you have a one-night stand? How could you engage in loveless sex? But she felt none of that. Turns out I'm actually this open-minded! she quietly categorized herself.

Sitting in the taxi, the trees flashing by outside the window reminded her of Luan Nian; even the clouds floating in the sky reminded her of him. Luan Nian was simply too dazzling. In all twenty-two years of her life, Shang Zhitao had never met anyone like him. She was filled with curiosity about him, completely drawn to him.

After getting off the cab, she sprinted back home. Seeing Sun Yu sitting on the sofa crooking a beckoning finger at her, her face flushed red as she bolted back into her bedroom to change into a high-collared shirt. Sun Yu followed her in, shut the door, and sat on her bed, eyeing her with great amusement. "So, care to confess what you were up to last night?"

Shang Zhitao pressed her lips together in silence and sat down beside Sun Yu. No matter how high the collar was, it couldn't hide the few faint marks on her neck. Sharp-eyed Sun Yu tugged at her collar with a finger. "Oho, are we in love now?"

Shang Zhitao shook her head hurriedly. "I'm not in a relationship."

"Then what's all this about?"

Shang Zhitao didn't know how to explain it; Sun Yu would surely laugh and tease her for being morally compromised. But Sun Yu kept pestering her, even pinching her cheek. "Spill it, quickly!" A girl's happiness was just that simple—getting to sit together and gossip brought immense joy, especially when sharing a piece of romantic history from one of them.

"It's... the boss I told you about, the one who tried to fire me," Shang Zhitao finally confessed. She still hadn't fully emerged from the atmosphere of last night, her face flushing crimson whenever Luan Nian crossed her mind. Though she would make other friends later, Sun Yu was the only person she had ever mentioned Luan Nian to—she hadn't even told Yao Bei. For some inexplicable reason, she trusted Sun Yu deeply, and Sun Yu kept her secrets strictly guarded, becoming the sole outlet for Shang Zhitao's feelings regarding Luan Nian.

"You slept with your boss? The boss who tried to get you fired?"

"It was an accident." Shang Zhitao had finally come up with an excuse: an accident. If she ever talked about it with someone in the future, she could simply say: I had an accidental slip-up back then, too.

"Was it really an accident, or was it premeditated? I know you were an accident, but was your boss an accident too?" Sun Yu refused to believe it. Many things between men and women seemed like coincidences on the surface, but were actually planned all along. In Sun Yu's eyes, her naive roommate had been calculatedly targeted by her boss.

"I don't think so..." Shang Zhitao flatly denied it. It had to be an accident. Who was Luan Nian? He had never even looked at her properly—how could he possibly have premeditated anything?

"Alright, alright, that doesn't matter. What matters is..." Sun Yu lowered her voice. "How was it?"

When Sun Yu asked how it was, Shang Zhitao recalled the beads of Luan Nian's sweat falling onto her cheeks, how he leaned down to lick them away, carrying that salty moisture to the tip of her tongue.

"No need to answer, I get it now." Sun Yu burst out laughing. "Our little Taotao was thoroughly satisfied last night."

"Is what I did wrong?" Shang Zhitao asked her.

"Where's the right or wrong in that? As long as you're happy." Sun Yu patted Shang Zhitao's shoulder. "Let me tell you, back at my old company, a few of my colleagues had regular sex partners."

"What's the difference between having a regular sex partner and being in a relationship?" Shang Zhitao was a bit confused.

Seeing her bewildered look, Sun Yu laughed out loud. "Oh, you... A regular sex partner only satisfies physical needs—there's no emotional investment required. Dating is a hassle, but everyone's busy, so having someone like that saves a lot of trouble."

"Oh."

Shang Zhitao hadn't gotten enough sleep and felt groggy. She let out a yawn and flopped onto the bed, remembering she still had an English lesson scheduled with Long Zhentian that evening, so she pulled up the covers to catch up on sleep. The moment she closed her eyes, Luan Nian filled her thoughts—his breath pressed against her ear, a man so cold in nature who yet loved to kiss when consumed by passion, his palm cupping her neck, the crook of his hand cupping her chin, pinching her cheeks between thumb and forefinger to pull her toward him, kissing her fiercely. Lips that looked so heartless, yet felt scalding hot when they kissed.

Shang Zhitao thought: I'm done for. I think I'm getting addicted.

She leaped off the bed, ran into Sun Yu's room, and asked her solemnly, "Have you ever gotten addicted? When you were with your ex-boyfriend?"

"Hmm?"

"Like, closing your eyes and seeing only him, wanting to do things with him."

"Of course." Sun Yu giggled. "Shang Zhitao, you're done for. How about I give you an idea?"

"What idea?"

"Ask your boss if he wants to be your regular sex partner."

"No."

Shang Zhitao rushed back to her room, feeling truly ruined. When she first had physical intimacy with Xin Zhaozhou, she hadn't enjoyed it much, always feeling the sensation was strange. It was on one particular night, in a small house in the countryside, when Xin Zhaozhou spent a long time kissing her—gently, lingeringly—that she realized for the first time it could actually be wonderful. But back then, Xin Zhaozhou was always by her side; they went to the same university, spending every day together and sneaking out on weekends. Shang Zhitao had no need to become addicted, because Xin Zhaozhou was always right there.

She woke up in the evening. She had an appointment with Long Zhentian to practice oral English. Even though she had thought of Luan Nian's beautiful body countless times throughout the day, by evening, she managed to put him out of her mind and stick to her plans.

She met up with Long Zhentian by Houhai. Long Zhentian chatted with her at a measured, deliberate pace. Whenever Shang Zhitao encountered a word she didn't understand, she would interrupt to ask him. Long Zhentian told her that the reason he came to China was because he loved girls in Qipao. He believed the Qipao was the most beautiful garment in the world, and only Chinese girls could carry off its distinct grace. He even asked Shang Zhitao, "Have you ever worn one?"

Shang Zhitao thought for a moment, then asked Long Zhentian, "Does serving as an event hostess count?"

Hadn't she worn one before? Back in her freshman year, she had been dragged in to be an event hostess for a student club, wearing a small satin Qipao and carrying a little tray filled with business cards—it was absurd beyond words.

A tall, sunny foreigner like Long Zhentian paired with a sweet, sensible Chinese girl like Shang Zhitao naturally invited curious glances when walking together. Shang Zhitao could even read the meaning behind the passersby's gazes: Look, another girl bending over backward to marry a foreigner.

"So how do you translate that phrase from earlier?" Shang Zhitao asked.

"In Chinese, the equivalent saying would be: 'A fall into the pit, a gain in your wit'—or live and learn," Long Zhentian answered patiently.

"Oh, I see, thank you!" Shang Zhitao always carried a voice recorder with her. On her way back after every meeting with Long Zhentian, she would listen to their recorded conversation twice through. Long Zhentian was a wonderful teacher—patient and friendly. Even when correcting Shang Zhitao's accent, he did so charmingly: "Oh~ with your accent, you could easily live in the UK!"

Shang Zhitao had felt self-conscious at first, but later decided it didn't matter: I'm learning! If I already knew everything, why would I need to learn? It's precisely because I don't know that I have to learn!

Thinking this way, she threw all self-consciousness to the wind.

After graduating, Shang Zhitao suddenly fell genuinely in love with learning. She began to find learning genuinely fascinating; knowledge was endless, like the universe, vast as the ocean. Whenever she realized she had made even a tiny bit of progress, she felt immense joy. She would share it with Yao Bei, Sun Yu, and Lumi, saying, "Once I finish learning English, I want to learn French and Japanese too."

Everyone thought she was just talking, but she wasn't. Like today: no matter what had happened the day before, no matter how exhausted or upset she was, she would show up as promised to meet Long Zhentian. They chatted about everything under the sun, and amid their laughter and conversation, the world slowly unfolded before Shang Zhitao's eyes—a brand-new, wondrous world.

Bidding Long Zhentian goodbye, she recalled Sun Yu's words on her subway ride back: "You could make him your regular sex partner. It saves a lot of trouble and solves the problem."

Shang Zhitao confronted her own desires directly. She typed a text on her phone, deleted it, typed again, and finally sent a message to Luan Nian: Luke, can we be regular sex partners?

Looking back at her former self years later, Shang Zhitao could never explain why she had done such a thing back then, or why she had sent Luan Nian that text. At the time, she thought she was being brave, but only later did she recognize it as complete absurdity. With a beginning like that, how could there ever be a good outcome?

Why do people always do such foolish things when they're young, as if folly came at no cost at all?

Luan Nian was drinking with Tan Mian when his phone lit up. Seeing Shang Zhitao's message pop up, his brow furrowed involuntarily. He felt as though Shang Zhitao had found a way out for herself, even suspecting she was willing to sell her body. Or perhaps beneath her meek, docile exterior lay a heart that constantly longed to run wild.

Perhaps she had also overestimated her performance in bed—though he had to admit it was quite good. Luan Nian despised transactions, and he felt that Shang Zhitao was trying to strike a transaction with him.

Luan Nian replied to her: "Sorry, yesterday was an accident."

"Anything a man says when his dopamine is surging can be treated as total bullshit. If any word I said gave you the wrong idea, I apologize." Luan Nian was always this sharp-tongued and cruel.

Shang Zhitao put away her phone, her fingertips trembling slightly. She knew she had overthought things. Luan Nian's line from last night—"As long as you want, anytime"—was exactly what he described: what a man says when taking off his pants doesn't count; you have to see what he thinks when he's sober. The sober Luan Nian wouldn't give her a second glance, so last night could simply be chalked up to his "drunken lapse."

So what? It's not like I lost out. Hiring a gigolo like Luan Nian would probably cost a fortune, yet she hadn't spent a single penny. I really am quite capable, Shang Zhitao mocked herself playfully.

That night, she slept soundly, putting Luan Nian completely out of her mind.